Page 61 of Above
“Don’t give me that bullshit! I’ve seen the two of you!”No. No, no, no, no, no!
Even now, in the safety of my room, I could feel my panic.
“I can explain, please.” But I didn’t know how. Not in a way that wouldn’t make me look weak or potentially get me into trouble. Plus, Talon would never believe me.
“Your explanations are useless to me. As always, it’s all about you. How you can get ahead. How you can be successful. How you can get the stars. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. At least Nova loves me, even if she doesn’t realize it or if it’s not in the way I want yet. She cares! You’re just a pathetic embarrassment clinging to the notoriety you once had. Your fragile ego can’t take the idea of someone being better than you, so you sabotage everyone else no matter how much it hurts them. I won’t let you continue to do that to me!”
I’d admit it. I had let my anger get the best of me.
“Yeah? If your precious littleNovacares about you so much, then why when I knocked at your door did she answer soaking wet wearing only a towel?” He froze, his chest rising and falling in rapid succession, his eyes wide.
“You’re lying.”
“Not at all, actually. She opened the door, told me you weren’t there, asked me if I liked what I saw, and then ended up with her towel on the ground. Go ahead, Tal, ask her. See if I’m lying. But hey, I’m the villain. Somehow me trying to save your ass from that worthless cunt is an awful thing.” I had raised my hands, backing away, but I knew the damage I was doing. Still, I finished with a few damning final words. “Tell Tershetta that I did, in fact, like what I saw.”
Suddenly aware that I was still in my barracks room rather than on that mountain again, I groaned and took another full gulp of the liquor, wishing I could drown myself in it. Opening my journal, I began the slow work of writing it all out. My thoughts, feelings, ideas. Mostly plotting, because the time for action was approaching.
The akhata would die, even if that meant killing Talon too. I no longer had the capacity to rescue someone who didn’t want to be saved.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Nova
“Celeste has been doing well on haya. Maybe it’s all in my head, but I swear she looks younger somehow. She’s so happy too, and the girl she’s been seeing is lovely. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find someone too, but mostly I think I’m better off alone so I can focus on taking care of everyone.”
-From the journal of Nova Tershetta, 9261 AS
Maybe it was all the illusions of my family dying. Or perhaps it was the nightmares that manifested after said illusions. Either way, I missed them. Tonight, with Talon who knew where, I decided I would surprise them for dinner.
I knew it was wrong. That there was probably an unspoken rule not to leave the island. While there must have been trainees with families that loved them, I did wonder if growing up around eadi somehow made me more grateful for my own. As if the ticking time refused to allow me to squander even a moment.
Of course, Ihadwasted time with them before by purposefully sneaking in when they were sleeping. But I feared that seeing them would result in me admitting to my failure. Now though, I was far too desperate to care. I needed to see them.
So I had left Talon a note saying I would see him in the morning and was now walking toward the sea. I didn’t need to, but I hoped the fresh air and vast expanse of water would calm my racing heart and rushing nerves. It had been nearly two months since I had seen my family. Would I look odd to them with my swirling black markings and my tired eyes full of horrors? Would they still love me as they had before? Their letters were normal, if not short. But that was written words. This would be so much more.
With my mind lost, I had somehow made it all the way to the sandy beach without realizing, my eyes blinking with the sudden realization that I stood before the wide open water and shining moons, the stars glittering above—watching, as always.
When I finally focused, I caught sight of a figure, their body half submersed in the salty sea, a hooded cloak shielding them from prying eyes. Every gush of water from a cresting wave sent their body swaying, sometimes nearly tipping. Their shoulders were slumped forward, head tilted down, and I could have sworn they appeared more than willing to allow the waves to take them out into the open waters.
Could this be another trainee hoping to end the pain? We’d lost three more since the first.
Like I often did, I allowed my heart to lead instead of my mind.
My boots trudged through the sand, considering if my presence would help or hurt. Sometimes I wondered if my survival would lead to others spiraling. Why did I—an of eadi—continue on? How was it that I could be deemed worthy and survive when they so desperately clung to life? It was an assumption, but from the dirty looks and loneliness, it wasn’t a hard one to make. I knew what they thought of me.
Yet, I still walked forward, unwilling to talk myself out of helping someone. This moment wasn’t about me. It was aboutthem and whatever demons they fought. If I could help, then I needed to.
“Are you okay?” I asked, noting how the person’s head instantly lifted. But they didn’t speak. Nor did they turn. So I continued on. “Do you need any help?”
Closer I moved, now only a few feet away, until a gust of wind smelling of salt and spring shoved into me. I stilled, the sand flying up and forcing me to shield my eyes with my arm, the leathers not enough to ward off the sudden chill. When the wind had stopped, I moved my arm and was immediately punished with the sight of blonde hair, the shade looking like pure light beneath the glow of the stars and moons.
Altair.
Well, that was unfortunate. All that thought and stress for nothing.
Turning, I began making my slow walk toward the grassy area beyond so I could dust off, not wanting to bring a bunch of sand into the house and give Mama a heart attack.
That snake was not my problem. Let him drown himself. At least then I’d have one less person to deal with. One less murderer to fight off. I shouldn’t have attempted to save anyone. All of the trainees other than Talon and the cores were, at best, uninterested in being too close to me for fear of being contaminated. The cores only wanted to be around me because they hoped to kill me. So, really, I was surrounded by hateful cowards. What did I care if they died?
