Page 9 of Rhymes with Metaphor
“She emits strong headmistress vibes.”
“I beg your pardon?”said Martin.
“I’m quite frankly surprised that her first name isn’t ‘Miss.’You stand to attention in her vicinity.”
“That’s because I’m keen on her....Was I too obviously keen?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, thanks,” said Martin.“I’m gutted now.Do you think she noticed?”
“Noticed?Your infatuation is visible from space.”
“Damn,” said Martin.“How can I fix this?CanI fix this?I left early—that’s good.Shows I’m not desperate.She liked the chocolates.I think.Do you think she liked the chocolates?Writers have cachet...but not humourists.I was born in the wrong era.No one takes humour seriously these days.”
Martin’s neurotic monologue continued after they arrived at his place, and Reg made monosyllabic responses, listening with one ear while he made coffee.
After half an hour, Martin said, “You seem strangely calm.Did the party improve your mood?Or is my coffee so good it’s distracting you?”
Reg was experiencing an odd combination of serenity from the coffee, a buzz from the Cold Crash, and an unsettling feeling that he’d forgotten something.
“Did you meet anyone interesting?”said Martin.
“I did, as it happened.”
Reg explained as much of the phenomenon of Flat Mary as could be explained.He took Flat Mary’s card from his pocket.
“Is his namereallyFlat Mary?”
“He was originally called Steve.Then he discovered music.”
Martin found Flat Mary’s website on his phone.“You can listen to his songs here.If they’re awful, better to find out before you sign a contract with him.”
Music played from Martin’s phone.
“It’s a bit weird,” said Martin.
“What’s the song called?”
“‘Laura Secord’s Suspenders.’Does he mean sock suspenders?Did Laura Secord wear sock suspenders?”
“Why are you consulting me about Laura Secord’s underthings?”said Reg.
“I don’t know,” said Martin.He played another song.“This one sounds more promising.More relaxing.Less squeaky.”
“Very Zen,” said Reg.
Perhaps overwrought from the excitement of the party, perhaps lulled by the dulcet tones of “Cinnamon Semtex,” they both fell asleep on the living room floor.
––––––––
Reg woke with the mentalclarity that comes only from a post-midnight semi-conscious state.He sat bolt upright.
“Martin!”
“...mmm?”
“Martin!”Reg kicked Martin where he lay beside him.“Call Juliet!!”
