Page 45 of Benga's Rise
He nods and puts his helmet on like the smaller boys. They ride around the building to the men smiling and laughing. I’m not doing either. L. didn’t tell me Cort got him a bike or that he’s been learning to ride it. Neither did Raid.
“Thanks, Brother. I was going to ask, but now it’s settled.” Raid hits Cort’s back and walks my way.Now it’s settled. I push the wheels getting me moving toward his truck. Why would he hide this from me?
“You’re ready and out on time today too.” He’s happy and I'm seething.
“I am.”I don’t say a word about the bike, or them not telling me. I don’t say anything at all. With nods or shakes of my head, he stops talking. I keep wondering why he’d hide a bike or classes from me. I’m not unreasonable.
He lifts me out of the truck and puts me in the chair, then he bends. “Why are you pissed at me?”
“You would have asked, but now it’s settled?”
Surprise shows on his face. “Yeah. I was going to ask you about getting him a bike, but Cort already had one for him.” He thinks hiding it from me is okay?
“When were you telling me?”
He stands up and closes the door. “Since I found out today. I guess today.” He walks in the house and I sit here. He didn’t know? Oh shit.
After I take my face out of my hands, I push the wheels then stop. The chair rolls to the threshold and stops at the molding. L. didn’t tell Raid either? I push, but can’t get past the stupid strip, so I pull myself in and roll into the kitchen. Raid has a beer and a glass of water on the table at my spot.
“I could roll away and hide for being an ass, but I like your way better. I’m sorry. I should have realized you’d ask or tell me if you knew.”
He nods. “Today has been interesting. Cort asked me how I felt about you. Being honest, I’m interested in more than friendship, but you’re showing that you don’t trust me with shit that shouldn’t be questioned. We’ve talked every night and I thought you knew me better than you do. What do you need to see that I won’t hide shit from you or hurt you?”
Holy crap! “It’s not you. No one has ever done anything for L. and I’m surprised at what they do, you included. My ex...”
He shakes his head. “Your ex didn’t have as much power as you do. Stop using him and be honest.”
Using him. “He made my life hell.”
He shakes his head again. “You let him. You could have left at any time, but you stayed until he forced you out.”
“What? You know nothing about it.”
“This is what I mean. We’ve talked for weeks now. I do know. You’ve told me. He cheated, he didn’t hold a steady job. Your name wasn’t on the house and you stayed and paid for it, even slept in the spare room, giving him the green light to keep using you. He was verbally abusive to you and didn’t talk to Leo...at all. That lasted for ten years. You never talk about the men in your family and Leo doesn’t either.Your family moved four years ago and you never asked them for help. Freedom and Victory were here and you didn’t ask them for help. We moved in and gave you an offer for help. Not trusting men only goes so far. You didn’t trust your family, friends or us. Now me. Leo didn’t tell me he got a bike. He didn’t tell you either. He hasn’t told you about the gang and I’m concerned what else he hasn’t said. Your ex never had the power. It’s always been yours. Not using it has consequences. I have no problem seeing where awecan go, but you have to stop blaming everyone for what you didn’t do.”He’s got a hell of a nerve.
“What I didn’t do?”
“How long has Leo been staying home alone after school?”
“Since he was seven. My ex was in and out but didn’t work during the day. That’s not the point.”
He stands up. “Isn’t it? Seven years old, he started staying home alone and who did he call for help? Your family?”
I shake my head. “You don’t understand. His father was...” I stop with his smile.
“The man that didn’t talk to him and you said hated Leo more than you? Why couldn’t he call your family? They lived in town. Why couldn’t he stay with them while you worked? Your dad took him fishing once. Leo doesn’t know your family. Stop this and be honest with yourself then me.”
Tears fall and I can’t stop them. “I am being honest. I had to work so we had a roof over our heads.”
He sits and takes my hand. “At what cost? You’re so determined to make every little decision to keep him close, but don’t really know who Leo is when you’re not with him. I’m telling you I think what I’ve seen is worth the time we get to spend together, but you’re so afraid of losing control, you’re losing that woman I see fighting to get out. I wouldn’t hurt you or Leo. You shine brightest when you can provide for Leo, but a roof is not a home. I’ve seen you smile and even cry because he’s happy living with people surrounding him. Get over the anger and hurt and move on so we can.”
Get over it? “You think this is all my fault.” I shake my head. I never stop, I’m always working, for the hospital, L. or to spend time with him.
“No, I think abuse is a part of your life that you don’t admit and you don’t trust anyone for anything. I screwed up so bad with Cort and the Club when we were in the city. It took months to understand and let it go. While my mistake was big. I didn’t hold the power to change the situation. That power wasn’t mine. Just like the power isn’t Leo’s or your ex’s. It’s yours. You may not have done all the shit your ex did, but you did hold the power to change it and make it better. Like me, seeing that I screwed up so bad, but it wasn’t all on me, you will feel freer when you realize it too. You aren’t alone in the mistakes that were made and we’re human so mistakes are a given.”
“You can stop talking now. Iwasinterested, but anyone that thinks what my ex did was my fault is not someone I’m interested in. I’ll call and see if Seren can find us a place to live.”
He lets go of my hand and stands up. “Nope. I have a room at the Club. Stay here where you’re both comfortable. I’ll stop in to check on you and Leo and get clothes. Call your friends or the Prospects if you need anything.” He walks out and I hear his bike start.
