Page 28 of A Two-Faced Laird
Surely, she did not wish to be the unwitting means of bringing shame on them.
Aidan ranupstairs to his chamber as fast as his legs would carry him, then unlocked the door to his bedchamber and flung himself onto the bed. He buried his face in his pillow and let go of all his grief in a great storm of tears. He surrendered himself to it completely, punching his pillows and kicking his mattress. If there had been a stone wall to bang his head against, he would likely have done that too, he thought. So what if men were not supposed to cry? They were human beings, after all, and every so often there was simply no other way of coping with the pain of loss.
Unless… Unless it was being with Edina. He remembered again the softness of her flesh under his palm as he kissed her, the feeling that he never wanted to stop. He wanted to lose himself in her, mind and body, and in those moments when they belonged to each other, there would be no memories and no worries about the future. There would only be now, the present, and the magic they were making with each other.
He hated himself for having lied to her so much. He had no idea where his brother was, and no letter was left for him after his brother disappeared from his life.
It was at times like this that he would have given anything to have his brother with him. When he was not drunk, he was a wonderful confidant, and they could tell each other anything without fear of it going any further, but in the final days he could barely make sense. His thoughts were clouded, his eyes confused in those last few days. He had spent hours just sitting and talking to him, sharing memories and occasionally talking about Edina.
He remembered the last time he saw him; Lewis had smiled at him, a smile of great sweetness and warmth.
“I have no idea where I am going after I leave here,” he said, “but I know that when I come back I will be healthy and happy again, Aidan.”
“I am sure you will be,” Aidan said with an attempt at a smile. “I am told that this journey of healing is hard, but I know you can do it. I have faith in you, my brother.”
“Let’s not lie to ourselves, brother,” Lewis said sadly. “We both know I do not have much in the way of willpower. If I had, I would not be in this predicament now. They tell me my liver is damaged, and if I do not stop drinking right away, soon there will be nothing more anyone can do for me.”
“This is my fault.” Aidan sighed and picked up Lewis’s hand. The veins were blue and standing out against his pale skin like those of an old man.
“What makes you say that?” Lewis asked, frowning. “Aidan, you are not to blame for any of this. I brought all of this trouble on myself, and you had nothing to do with it.”
“I introduced you to those monsters!” Aidan put his elbows on his knees and rested his head on his hands. “You would never have become mixed up with them if it were not for me.”
“But you had the strength to walk away, wee brother,” Lewis pointed out.
He could hardly raise his voice any more, but he had to make Aidan realise that he was innocent. He could not bear the thought of leaving, while Aidan blamed himself; that was how much he cared about his brother.
“I was weak; I was always weaker than you,” he said, with a note of anger in his voice. He was not angry with his brother, but with himself. “You might have been smaller and not as strong as I was when we were boys, but I was the one who was easily led and always fell into trouble. You always stood up for me, and were always by my side. I remember once or twice you even took the blame for me. You are a fine wee brother.”
That was when Aidan burst into tears and fell into his brother’s arms, and they were locked in a tight embrace while both of them wept till they had no tears left.
Aidan remembered the sweetness of the last smile Lewis had given him. The next day, he waved his brother goodbye in the dead of night, and he had not seen him since. However, he held on to the hope that he would come back soon, clean and whole again.
His mother and father both began to weep straight away, but Aidan had cried all his tears. Over the next few years, he thought about his brother constantly, reliving the times when they had been young and carefree. He felt constantly guilty, despite Lewis’s reassurances to the contrary.
That was the first time he really believed that he would never see his brother again.
Aidan lookedup at the carved ceiling above his bed, wishing his brother was beside him. Sometimes he longed for his company so much that he imagined he could see him. Eventually, however, tiredness overcame him and his eyes drifted closed.
He turned over in his bed and his heart leapt in his chest as he saw his brother lying beside him, wearing his usual mischievous grin.
“Where did you come from?” he asked, shocked.
His brother laughed. “You will find out some day,” he answered. “You look worried. Tell me your troubles. I may be able to help.”
“I cannot believe you are here,” Aidan whispered, reaching out a hand to touch his brother’s cheek.
He wanted to make sure that his brother was a solid, flesh-and-blood being like himself, but his hand met empty air and his brother’s image faded, leaving him with a plunging sense of disappointment. Still, even seeing his familiar face was comforting, and he smiled as he closed his eyes again.
There was a sudden rap at his bedroom door, and he jerked out of his half-sleep and sat upright. Who was bothering him at this time of night?
“Who is it?” he asked irritably, rubbing his eyes.
“Edina,” she answered. “Please let me in. I want to talk to you.”
“Well, I do not want to talk to you!” he growled. “I have had a very bad day, Edina. Please leave me in peace. Goodnight to you.”
He turned over and put his pillow over his head so that he could hear nothing more, then determinedly closed his eyes and went to sleep.
