Page 33 of Elizabeth and Caroline
He let out a breath. “Oh, Lord, I am now remembering a number of conversations with her. She was, in fact, obsequious to a rather vile degree to me when I arrived, which I suppose I should have…” He dragged a hand over his face. “I didn’t pay it enough mind, because after I saw you the first day I arrived, I could not get you out of my head. Perhaps you’ve driven me mad.”
She wrapped her arms around her own waist, not liking the sound of that.
“There was a conversation about pens,” he said.
“I heard about that.”
“About how evenly I formed my letters.” He smirked. “It was off-putting, I must say. But she is your friend, and that is neither here nor there, I suppose. It is only that, if she did indeed fancy me, I think it’s abominable to bring her along with us. If she is truly your very close friend, Lizzy, you must see that would be cruel to her, forcing her to watch us together in that way. It would only bring her pain.”
Elizabeth’s lips parted. She was about to protest that it was not that way for Caroline, but she thought of her friend’s forceful declaration that she was not jealous, and she grimaced, wondering if he were not correct, if it would be cruel. She closed her mouth. She nodded. “Perhaps I see that.”
Mr. Darcy began to walk again and she walked with him,but now they weren’t touching.
“It is only…” She twisted her hands together in front of her body. “Well, the original plan was that we would match her and you, and then she would contrive to get me to London—which, truthfully, I suppose I needed her to get to London more than she might need me. She has many more avenues than I do. She can stay with her sister and her husband, perhaps. I don’t know if she does have to stay with us, but I must do my part.”
“Your part?”
“Yes, we were going to find me a match. I helped her with hers and she would help me with mine. And when she saw you wanted me and not her, we simply switched it, the plan. So, I owe her, you see. I have to help her find a husband.”
Mr. Darcy was quiet for some time, seemingly absorbing this. “Let me understand this, Elizabeth. You owe her to help her find a husband, but why? She didn’t help you find a husband.”
“W-well…” What was she to say to that?Yes, but together, Caroline and I tricked you into marrying me?
“We have come together all on our own, no matchmaking required. And, to be honest, my darling, I don’t mean to poke fun in your occupation or anything of that nature. Lord knows, intelligent women such as yourself must be quite bored with nothing to do except memorize poetry and cover screens, but I don’t think matchmaking is exactly possible. One cannot force someone to want someone they don’t already want.”
“It’s not about force,” she said, feeling belittled by this. “It’s about finding the point upon which to put pressure, finding the things that a person wants or hates and maneuvering them into seeing the other person in a way that fits with one’s natural inclinations. I could not make two people who despise each other fall in love, I’m sure, but I could find ways to tease a small bit of attraction into something more intense. It’s simply about understanding people, you see.”
He turned to her, raising his eyebrows, clearly not havingexpected that sort of response from her.
She winced. “I’m not saying I did it to you.”Oh, Lord, Elizabeth, you are denying it? Youdiddo it to him. Denying it makes it worse than a lie of omission. Now, it is simply a lie. Bald and undeniable.
He walked faster. “I see.” His voice was flat.
She walked faster.
“You did, um, protest rather a lot, didn’t you?” he said in a low voice. “So very much. ‘Oh, sir, you must not do anything hasty. You must at least sleep on it.’”
She put her hand on his arm. “I meant it, though. I meant it.”
He glanced down at her, searching her expression.
She took her hand away and stared straight ahead as she pressed on. “But I would have denied him, Mr. Collins, no matter what you did. I pretended to be more self-sacrificing, more motivated by family and duty than I truly am. I pretended that, because I knew it would sway you, and I suppose I wanted to see if I could do it, but then… you… so fast. You went to asking for my hand right away, and it was too easy, and I felt horrified at myself and I wanted you to take it back if you didn’t really mean it, because I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve this. I am not the sort of woman you think I am, and I should have told you before we… before…”
He had stopped walking, she realized, and she was still walking and talking, her voice going shrill. Now, she stopped, too, and turned to look back at him on the path.
He looked at her, brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that I lied just then. Ididdo it to you. I did trick you into marrying me.”
He let out a dismissive laugh. “No.”
She straightened. “But if you had known—”
“If you would have refused Mr. Collins, what would have happened to you?”
What did this matter? “Well, that’s hardly… you know what would have happened. My mother would have been furious, and he would have gone after Charlotte anyway, and we would have been left to be turned out when my father died, and I should have likely never gotten another marriage proposal and so none of my sisters would have either and—”
“And this is why I did it,” he said with a shrug. “Because it allowed the selfishness of claiming you, a woman I should not be allowed to claim but that I very desperately wanted, to feel like a noble act in some way.”
