Page 75 of Elizabeth and Caroline
“You see, it’s not that way, is it?” he said. “When one fallsfor someone else, one doesn’tknowwhy, or one can’t articulate it, anyway. It’s not rational, it’s simplythere.”
She felt herself soften. “Well, itisthere, is it not?”
“Aye.” His voice was hoarse.
And then, when their lips came together, it was like they were drawn close by some force outside of themselves, and she felt weightless and free and cherished in his arms.
They kissed for too long.
They would have kept kissing forever, perhaps.
But Louisa interrupted them, tsking that they must cease that immediately. “Good things come to those who wait,” she cried in a bright and teasing voice.
And indeed, good things did indeed come to them, because now, every time he looked at her, every time his fingers brushed against her fingers or against her gloved arm, or even—occasionally, if he could manage it—the bare skin above her gloves, she felt that warm glow of the way the colonel cherished her. It surrounded her, like a warm bubble, and it nourished some tender and bruised part of her soul.
Why was it?
She did not know. Perhaps she would never know, indeed, why it was that two people came together in such a way and fit together so well.
She did not fit easily with many people, it seemed. But when she did fit, it was lovely.
The wedding came quickly and she told herself, again and again, that she would not be as Elizabeth had been, utterly transformed by whatever it was the wedding night was. That was foolish, she thought. It must be quite, quite rare. She didn’t even need that, after all. She only needed it to be nice. No, she only needed it not to be horrid. No, she did not need it at all.
She girded herself up against it, and then, well, she was quite the same as she’d been before that first kiss, still and stiff and tense and worried.
Her husband noticed, however, in that darkened room where they were to spend more time alone together thanthey had ever spent, and he murmured to her, “Are you still thinking that I do not want you, that you are not pleasing to me, not handsome, whatever it is you seem intent upon telling yourself about yourself?”
She only shook her head, pressing her lips firmly together.
He brushed aside her hair, which was down around her shoulders, hanging and gleaming in the low lamplight. “I want you, Caroline Fitzwilliam. I want you badly.”
And she couldn’t help but feel that warmth stealing into her again. She couldn’t help but smile.
“I think you want me too,” he said. “I think you’re nervous.”
She bobbed her head in assent, but what she said, was, “Not at all.”
He laughed. “Well, neither am I, then. Nervous, that is. Not even the least bit nervous about pleasing you.”
But he did please her. He was very careful and very deliberate and asked ever so many questions and touched her like she was fragile and precious and, well, cherished.
Was she transformed when it was over? Oh, she didn’t know. Perhaps.
Perhaps, yes, she was transformed entirely.
And then, they were alone in town, and staying at his family’s town house, and the real and true realities of what their marriage was to look like had come to light. Her dowry was quite enough that they could afford to use it to buyonehouse, but they could not have both a country house and a house in town.
He hadn’t had much to say to her about money; she suspected he was ashamed. So, it was her who broached the subject, that they should speak to her brother about investments.
“Go into trade?” he said to her, raising his eyebrows.
“Well, you’re not going to make much money in the army, are you?” she said. “If we want to have children, we should think of what future we can give them. Will your mother and father find it too far beneath them to think theirson is doing such a thing?”
“No,” said the colonel, “not at all. I am only thinking that I am a very stupid man not to have considered it already. It’s a good thing I married a woman who’s much smarter than I am.”
It was good they saw to it quickly, because he had her with child in two months. She sent a letter to Elizabeth telling her the news.It’s quite early and I can’t be entirely sure, but I am feeling sick in the mornings and I definitely have not seen my bleeding this month, so I am fairly convinced. Don’t spread it about, but I wished to tell you.
She received a reply,We are both increasing at the same time! This is fantastic news. After all, we always wished to raise our babes together, did we not?
