Page 44 of Make You Love Me
Jackson:Of course. Everything all right?
Me:I’m not sure.
Jackson:I’m here for you, buddy. Text me when you’re finished, and we can meet in my office.
Chapter 12
Jordan
My stint in the military has been anything but uneventful. While I may not have found myself at the other end of a rifle, grenade, or handmade explosives like Jackson and Sergeant Montgomery have, trouble seems to find me on every mission and seemingly with little searching.
During this morning’s seizure, my fucked-up brain ran through those near misses—the dozen or so situations that threatened to end my life. The fear I felt in those final moments, crawling up my spine and rolling in my gut. I don’t make a habit of thinking about those times. Facing my mortality isn’t a favorite pastime, and nothing good comes of it. I prefer to focus on the present, making the most of every day I’m blessed with.
But when the wreck played on repeat through the chaos and in full technicolor like I was there, everything changed. I’ve been living in the past since I woke up.
I remember feeling free the minutes leading up to the truck T-boning my pristine, antique, Ford Mustang. Not borrowed. Not a rental car.Mine. I remember buying it the day before, giving a good chunk of the cash I saved over the last eight years tothe pretty, gray-haired lady excited for her vacation. I remember driving to Richmond to celebrate my discharge with friends.
Discharge.
After my body heals, I’m not going back to the base, and I’m unsure how to feel about that. I’d been excited to experience life when I left. Now, it feels like I’m mourning the loss of a best friend, my only constant (other than Josie), and life as I’ve always known it.
My entire adult existence, I’ve been a Marine. I don’t know how to be or do anything else. I don’t even know if any of my combat skills translate to a job without serious threats, war, terrorism, or combat.Civilian life.
Before the crash, I planned to travel the world. But facing this new chapter seems like a blinding neon sign with arrows pointing in every direction. Where do I go next? Which direction is the right one? How do I even start when I have no intel?
I hadn’t realized my life is an unfinished puzzle until a few missing pieces slid into place while I slept. I’m a veteran with no real-world skills, no job, and no prospects. If I hadn’t had Josie to take me in after the accident, I don’t know where I’d be. A charity case for my friends or VETS?
I awoke after the seizure with so many unanswered questions about the future on my mind and wondering how Nora fits into it.
Last night reminded me of how much I love her. How I’ve loved her since we met at the marathon. She’s tattooed herself onto my soul, and I’ll never be me without her. And with the way she held me in the moonlit shadows, I thought she finally felt the same.
Then, the seizure and subsequent puzzle-building memories told me more than Josie or Nora have since the wreck. Nora and I are not together. Not in the way she’s pretending. Far from it.
Some of the details of our history are missing or frayed at the edges, but the truth is as undeniable as the bullet now lodged in my chest. Waking up this morning, the pain of losing my brothers, my career, and the love of my life all over again ripped me in two.
It took everything I had to fight the urge to lash out. Looking at her and feeling her hands on my skin sent a surge of anger through me I never experienced before. She was wearing my sweatshirt and looking at me as if the last year hadn’t happened. As if the lies are no trouble at all.
I can’t tell Nora I know. Not until I figure out the missing details and remember how we got here. Why we’re not together and why I still love her. Although, I have the sinking feeling that will never change, no matter what she does. And I need to decide how to handle that.
Am I comfortable taking the chance on her when whatever broke us up could happen again? Or would it be best to move on? Then, there’s the service…the only job I know. Do I go on with my life alone as I planned when I retired, or do I re-enlist and drown out my heartbreak with something bigger than myself? But none of those questions matter until I answer the most important question of all: Can I trust her again?
Under normal circumstances, last night’s activities could have convinced me of just about anything, but some things are more important than unforgettable sex. For a relationship to thrive, loyalty, love, and trust must be present, and each is non-negotiable.
???
After a quick shower by her standards, I retreat to the bathroom and run the faucet, pretending to be washing up. I stare at my unfamiliar reflection and comb my short hair for ten painstakingminutes, delaying the inevitable for as long as I can. My appointment at VETS isn’t for another hour, and it takes only twenty to walk there. That means forty minutes left to go on hiding. It’s cowardly, but I can see no other option.
Sitting on the closed toilet seat, I read through my missed text messages and voicemails. Josie called three times and left one brief message, asking me to call her back. That’s not going to happen.
She sent several updates on her art show set up and mentioned a few people she’d met like I have a clue who they are. Normal everyday shit as if she has no secrets, schemes, or remorse. Convinced she is the writer and producer of the farce that has been my life for the last month, I ignore her messages and pull up Sergeant Montgomery’s contact.
My fingers hover over the tiny keyboard as I decide how to begin.
Me:Did you know?
I tap the delete key until the abrupt question disappears. Of course, he knows. He signed my damn discharge papers. He witnessed the crash and stayed with me at the hospital until Josie arrived. When he came to visit me shortly after leaving the hospital, he also seemed surprised at my mention of returning to work. He wanted to ask something, confusion wrinkling the skin around his eyes, before Josie interrupted. I remember finding it odd that she cut his goodbye short and walked him outside.
She must have informed him of the plot to control my life that night. And when we went out with Jackson soon after, he said nothing. Why? Whatever the reason she’d given him, it must have been convincing.
