Page 54 of Make You Love Me
“My real name is Roan. I changed it to Nora after high school graduation when I escaped the hell my life had become.”
Sydney sat motionless, stunned into silence, but her hand still rests on my back, providing the encouragement I need to continue.
“The summer after tenth grade, I discovered my mother’s boyfriend of the month was drugging her. He’d sneak a little cocaine into her food or drink, more and more until she got addicted. Once that happened, she would give him whatever he wanted. It was like he ripped her soul from her body. She’d never been perfect—fickle, scatter-brained, and disorganized with backwards judgment, especially with men. But nothing I said or did brought her back from that. All her focus was on keeping him happy and getting her next hit.” Lost in the terrifying past, tears fall undetected. “While she was passed out one day, he chained me to my bed.”
“Nora, no.” Her other hand flies to her mouth as tears pool on her eyelids, afraid for me. But shame and embarrassment turn my focus to the pavement below.
“He intended to do some terrible things, but my boyfriend Tristan had suspected something was up when I didn’t respond to his texts. The police arrived before the first customer did. When Tristan came over the next day, he admitted to knowing what that asshole was doing to my mother, even though I tried to hide it.” Story of my life.
“Thank goodness.”
“After that, my mother entered rehab in Pennsylvania, and she stayed clean for the next two years. Guilt from having to look at me every day after she got me back from the system kept the demons at bay for a while. But she eventually turned to other things to make her happy. Booze, gambling, men—her main vice. She really knew how to pick ’em. My senior year, the guy she was sleeping with moved in. As man of the house, he enjoyed displaying his dominance. He was verbally and physically abusive toward my mother, even though she did everything for him. He didn’t lay a hand on me until I cracked and tried to stop him from touching her.”
Sydney sucks in a sharp breath. “What happened?”
“Guess it was more fun to manipulate my mother by using me as his punching bag. And when that wasn’t satisfying enough, he added weapons.” Emotion lodges in my throat, choking me until I have no other option but to let it out. It burst from my chest with such force, several people slow their pace to stare.
Wrapping me in a hug, she soaks in my pain as if it’s her own. Her tears wet the back of my shirt, but I can’t reach for her. My body, my heart, it all hurts too fucking much.
“This is why I can’t be with Jordan.”
“What?” she asks, straightening. “I don’t understand. He’d do anything to keep you safe or help you heal. Nothing in your past could make him not love you. If anything, he’d love you more for how you’ve overcome it.”
My head shakes, spilling more tears over my cheeks. “I can’t have kids, Sydney.”
“Because of the…of the…” she stutters, struggling to put a label on the abuse I survived.
I sniff, falling back against the bench to face her. “Plastic surgery fixed most of the external evidence. But the internal damage to my uterus was too extensive. He wants a big family,Sydney. A picket fence, a big yard, the fairy tale. I can’t give him that.”
“You haven’t told him, have you?”
“I haven’t told anyone. Everyone knows me as Nora—the confident, carefree, sassy persona I adopted when I changed my name. Pretending to be someone I’m not helped me cope and forget. It’s like jumping into a book and becoming that character. I’m a damn good actress.”
“Had me convinced.” She meant it as a joke to lighten the mood, but it made the guilt weighing me down sting even more. I’ve been lying to her the longest.
We met our sophomore year in college when she answered my ad for a roommate. I wasn’t the easiest person to live with at first. While I didn’t want to let anyone in, lack of money created a need. I’d grown accustomed to keeping my distance, but over time, I found a kindred spirit in Sydney and came to trust, love, and lean on her. We’d drop anything to be by each other’s side whenever required—as she is doing now.
“What will you do now that he knows?” she asks, taking my hand.
“No clue. Josie won’t be back for several days. I doubt he’ll want me anywhere near him, but he needs constant observation.”
“Do you want to continue helping him?”
Considering the question, it doesn’t take long to decide where I stand. “Yes.”
“I have to say, I didn’t expect that. Did something change your mind about all this?”
“I still don’t like the deception involved, but at least it removed my blinders. He’s amazing. How did I not realize?”
My eyes plead with Sydney, who smiles, smug in the all-knowing answer she’s about to deliver. “I remember telling you on multiple occasions how good you two were together—how good you could have it with him again—but you were too stubborn to listen.”
“Yeah, yeah. I remember.”
“After the marathon,” she continues. “After that crazy girls’ night last fall. And many other times in between. You should listen to your best friend occasionally. She’s quite brilliant.”
“You still want to keep that title? Even after I lied to you all this time?”
“Nora, you were doing what you thought you had to do to protect yourself. I don’t blame you. I’d have done the same.”
