Page 135 of How You See Me
“There were months of hospitals, chemo treatments, and nights spent hovering over a bottle, wishing I could trade places with Ava.”
A passing guide checks on us, giving me a chance to pull myself together.
“The first night I could get home, I sat beside Ava’s bed until she fell asleep. I was weak and exhausted, but she still saw her hero. Like I could fix anything. But I couldn’t fix this. I couldn’t do a damn thing to even help.” I scrub a hand over my face, feeling the familiar helplessness creeping in again. “I’ve never experienced true fear until she got sick. It closes in on me when I’m alone, and I struggle to climb out of that darkness once it settles in. It was worse that night, and after Mom went to bed, I ran.”
“Like you did at the B&B?”
I kiss her forehead, grateful for how deeply she understands me. “Yeah. I just took off with no plan, no direction. I felt like my life was being squeezed out of me, and I needed to get it out before it crushed me.”
“Where did you go?”
“I ended up on a bench outside some all-night diner, staring at an old, flickering streetlight. I was empty, angry, scared, and trapped in my own head. And then I saw it.”
“The moth,” she whispers.
I nod. “Tiny and battered, it wasn’t strong enough to combat the breeze. But it kept flying. Kept crashing against the glass and bouncing off, chasing the light no matter what—even though it was barely there. In that moment, I thought of Ava." My gaze lingers on the faint orange glow of the sun behind the canyon walls. So peaceful. So different than the never-ending storm inside me. "She keeps fighting. Keeps smiling. Her faith in the world hasn’t wavered, even when she’s hooked up to tubes and too tired to get out of bed. She never stops seeking the light, evenwhen it’s dark.” Appreciation for all she’s taught me, settles deep in my chest and calms a few rolling clouds. “And I knew I needed to hold on to that. I needed to remember.”
Josie’s fingers trace the wings again, her expression thoughtful.
“When I explained it to the artist, he took one look at me and sketched this. A moth with tattered wings, tough, and battle-scarred, but still fighting.”
“That’s your entire family."
“And yours.”
She blinks up at me, surprised by the new realization. “You’re right. Jordan never stopped soaring after all the scares you two had overseas, after his accident, or when he thought he’d lost Nora.”
“And even though fear ruled your decisions and tragedy struck more than anyone should have to endure, you built a beautiful life. You’re still fighting and chasing your dreams.”
Tears pool, but she doesn’t let them fall. My beautiful warrior. “I can’t tell you how much your belief means to me. You really get me, don’t you?”
I lift her chin with a finger and press my lips to hers. “I get that you’re unstoppable.” Another kiss. “And extraordinary.” One more. “And stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
She smiles through tears and climbs into my lap as my phone buzzes in my pocket.
“Terrible timing,” I grumble, fishing it out.
Not recognizing the number, I silence it and hold Josie close, savoring the love and acceptance she gives so freely, until the guide calls us back to the trail.
As we ride into the fading light, I realize the heavy darkness that once followed me is gone. Not completely. Not for good. But enough to feel steady. Lighter. To find clarity.
I know what I want, who I want, and what I need to do.
I’m ready to retire. Ready to start living again.
And with Josie by my side, I know I’ll always find the light.
???
The drive to our camping spot in the national park takes longer than planned. Traffic crawls. The signs are impossible to read in the dark. And by the time I cut the engine, Josie and I are on the verge of combusting from sheer need. I’m running on fumes, but nothing—absolutely nothing—will stop me from ravishing this woman tonight.
We spend the next hour rediscovering each other as if it’s our first time all over again. Every kiss feels new. Every touch, another promise.
Later, we take the blankets and pillows to the roof and finish the night under the stars.
Josie drapes a leg over mine and snuggles under my arm, right where she belongs.
“I can’t wait to have a place where we can do this whenever the mood strikes,” I confess.
