Page 30 of Pictures in Blue
What if he does show up?
Should I dress up?
Should I shower again?
I check the time. Crap, I have twenty minutes…and now I wish I had listened to Charlotte earlier. No time to shower again. Instead, I leap out of bed and rifle through my suitcase for anything besides sweats and come up empty.
Fuck.
I start searching through the extra pockets, hoping beyond hope Charlotte shoved something, anything, in here without me noticing. Once I get to the last zippered pocket, the large one on the front, I send the biggest silent thank you I have ever sent and make a mental note to call her later with a real thank you or send her an obnoxious bouquet of flowers to work. Make her happy and piss off James in the process. My fingers brush a soft piece of fabric and I tug until it is fully out, the long red, patterned dress, flowing to the floor.
It’s perfect.
Surprisingly, it’s not too dressy or fancy. She didn’t choose this for herself, she chose it for me and I am so glad she did. I undress quickly and throw the maxi dress over my head. The red floral pattern is interrupted by a slit up the side that reaches the middle of my thigh, showing off a little more leg than I’d like, but tonight is about embracing change. So I embrace it. I stand in front of the floor length mirror attached to the bathroom door and start brushing through my hair. Pulling half of it back, I tie a simple, solid colored red ribbon to match my dress. Once it’s in a bow, I realize I’m barefoot.
Once again, sending positive energy to the universe, I return to the pocket the dress was hidden in and reach deeper until my hand comes in contact with what feels like shoes. I pull out a pair of thin brown sandals and slip into them. I finish the outfit with a necklace—also shoved into the pocket—a slightly deeper brown than the shoes, a collection of metal feathers hanging from the chain and coming to rest in between my breasts. The dress’ neckline is low, like I-can’t-wear-a-regular-bra-with-this low. Luckily, my breasts are small enough to remain hidden behind the fabric without having to wear any extra support. Small boob gang for the win!
With everything in place, I take one more look in the mirror and notice five things I like about myself in this moment. Another piece of advice from my therapist that I try to follow as much as I can. I remember the first time she suggested this exercise as a way of retraining my brain to love my body in its current form, rather than picking it apart, something I did way too often when I was constantly judged by my mother. Truthfully, my body image issues started with her. Flippant comments about my weight and my appearance stuck with me more than I care to admit.
The first time I did this, I was completely embarrassed even though I did it in the safety of my own home with no one else around to hear me. But talking to myself in a mirror, out loud, about how I love my body felt like the biggest lie at first. Because I didn’t. And I never really did, until recently. Once I started seeing running through a different lens, I became less afraid of the mirror and everything it used to represent for me. I still feel weird sometimes saying out loud what I love about me, but it is oddly cathartic and I have a feeling I am going to need catharsis before tonight.
So, I let my eyes travel over my reflection, taking in my appearance and talk out loud.
“The red compliments my skin tone.”
I turn and let the slit of the dress fall on either side of my thigh.
“My legs are strong and I love them.” That one is true. I have come to really love my legs, even if they still jiggle. But everyone’s do. Something that took me way too long to realize. Healthy legs don’t stay still. They jiggle all the same and they have cellulite and they look bigger when sitting down. But they also carry my whole body. They let me move and more importantly run. They help me exercise. And best of all, they are the perfect surface for pets to curl up on.
I turn to the side, surveying my stomach and smile. Placing a hand on the small pooch there, I say out loud, “I love my stomach and the way it fuels my body.”
I continue with two more.
“I love my hands, even though anxiety has caused me to chew my nails and pick my cuticles. My hands help me cope and carry the things I need to. They take my pictures.”
And finally, “I love myself. I love my body. I love my mind.”
Cheesy as it all may sound, I feel better. I cross my arms over my chest and give myself a squeeze. Half the time when I do this exercise, I chicken out and go about my day. Sometimes I am still scared to allow myself to love who I am. But today is not one of those days. Today is a day I love myself and my body, and I am ready to go out and experience something new.
By the time I lock my door behind me and get to the bottom of the stairs, Sky is leaning on an elbow against the front counter, head turned toward Cordie in conversation about tonight. She’s dressed in her usual dark jeans and sneakers, but with a maroon flowy tank top this time that just reaches her belly button.
“I’ll be surprised if he shows up, but who knows,” comes Coride’s soft voice.
Sky must have seen me appear in the corner of her vision because she immediately turns my way and lets out a long whistle. I let myself bask in it for a brief moment and grab the side of my dress without the slit, hold it out to the side and spin around. Once I do a full circle, I stop and smile at Sky. “You clean up good, cupcake,” she says, looking me up and down.
“Sky is right,” Cordie agrees.
“Thank you,” I say, acknowledging them both and for once, taking their compliments as they are.
“Are you ready?” I ask Sky.
“I am if you are,” she says, pushing herself off the counter and heading toward the door. “I’ll see you there, Cordie!” she calls back before exiting.
I offer Cordie a small wave before following Sky out the door, the bells sounding their now familiar chime in our wake.
“So, who are we meeting there again?”
“Oh, my best friends, Jacob and Sophie,” she answers. “The three of us always go to this thing together and watch everyone get plastered. Plus Jacob’s been out of town for some vet convention thing, so it’s been over a week since we’ve seen him.”
