Page 48 of Pictures in Blue
I can’t. I can’t breathe. It hurts too much. When I breathe, the air pierces my lungs like it’s a foreign object obstructed in my body, stabbing me over and over until all of the blood in my body seeps out of me.
“Hudson,” she says again, tightening her hold on me. I see the resignation in her eyes and without hesitating, she lifts her left leg over me resting her knees on either side of my hips.
She leans closer to my face, our eyes inches away. “Breathe,” she says, softly. “Breathe with me.”
“Inhale.” I inhale as deep as I can, my eyes never leaving hers.
“Exhale.” I exhale, my heart rate slowing to a calmer pace.
“Focus on the sounds around us.” I hear leaves rustling in the trees, the waterfall, the cicadas. Avery’s breath, her chest rising and falling.
“Feel your hands. Open and close them.” I do. And my body starts to relax.
She moves her forehead closer to me, pressing it lightly against mine. “Shhh, close your eyes,” she whispers. I do and listen to her breathing as she softly strokes her thumbs back and forth against my cheeks, soothing me until my breathing slows.
The panic is passing and now I am fully aware of Avery’s body above me. She leans down and places a soft kiss to my forehead and settles herself next to me, her body never leaving mine. Draping an arm across my chest, she nuzzles her head between my chest and shoulder. The way she fits plants a different ache in my heart than what was there a few minutes ago.
“How did you know to do that?” I ask, breaking the silence before she has a chance to ask what just happened. Finding Sarah was the worst thing that I have ever been through and I don’t talk about it. I never have. Not even with Elias.
“I’ve had panic attacks most of my life and I learned ways to cope. Learned how to stop them and how to work through them.”
“On your own?”
She hesitates. “When I was a kid, yeah. But when I started therapy a few years ago, I was able to learn other methods to help.”
“Is that what that was?” I ask. “A panic attack?”
“I think so, yeah. Have you ever had one before?”
I think back to all the nights similar to this one when I have been jerked awake by that memory, taunting me. My chest was tight, and sweat soaked my sheets. The only thing I could do was breathe until I felt the pressure lighten. But what Avery did helped calm my racing heart so much faster.
“I think so. But I never realized that’s what it was.” I pull her closer and kiss the top of her head. “Thank you,” I whisper in her hair.
She hugs me tight, letting her fingers trace circles on my chest and after a few minutes, I hear her breathe in and I know she’s going to ask. “Who’s Sarah?”
My hand on her lower back stills the soft strokes I was making and I feel my mind start to go into overdrive, but my heart softens. Just a little bit. “Sarah was my sister,” I hear myself say. “She was Ethan’s mother. Elias’s wife.”
“What happened to her?” I focus on her hand, her continuous movement against me.
“She died,” I say softly. “She had breast cancer. She fought it off once and was in remission for a while, but it came back more aggressive and she decided not to do any more treatments. She didn’t want to live the rest of her life in and out of the hospital, weak, tired. Sarah wanted to live her last days, months, whatever time she had left with her family and for them to remember her for who she was, not what she had.”
“I’m so sorry,” she spreads her hand and flattens it over my heart. “And the nightmare?” My heart quickens against her palm and I know she feels it. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I get it. It’s personal.”
Usually, I wouldn’t want to talk about it. When people ask how I’m doing, I avoid the topic altogether and change the subject as fast as I can. Being vulnerable isn’t something I do often. Or ever. But being here away from the town, in the woods, it feels like what I say would stay here if I asked.
“I found her. That morning,” the image of her lying still on the couch creeps in and for the first time in a long time, I don’t close my eyes to it. “We were playing Scrabble the night before, watching a movie. Ethan had come down to say good night, and she and Elias took him back to bed. She came back down to finish our movie and we fell asleep. When I woke up, she was gone. Worst fucking day of my life.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she sniffs.
“Most people don’t.”
“I’m sorry you were the one that had to go through that. It must have been hard.”
“It was. Elias must have heard me yelling her name, trying to wake her up. He came down and once he got my panic under control, he focused on his wife. I didn’t know what to do. But he did. Elias always knows what to do. He’s the logical one. Always has been. He took care of everything before everyone woke up, especially Ethan. We were all at my parents’ house to be together as much as we could. We woke my parents and Sky before the funeral home came, but Elias didn’t want Ethan to see her like that on the couch, expecting her to wake up. He was only 5 and he wasn’t sure what kind of effect that would have had on him as a kid.”
“I can’t imagine going through something like that as a kid.”
“Yeah, it was hard on him. Still is sometimes. Which is why we do the capture the flag throughout the week. It’s a fun distraction for him.”
