Page 81 of Pictures in Blue
“Hey, are you okay?” Ethan’s voice comes from somewhere to my right, but I can’t tell because I have my eyes shut so tightly, all I see is red. But it’s worth it to avoid any spider legs piercing my eye. Can that actually happen? I have no idea, but my anxiety tells me that it can so I keep them shut and continue trying to pluck the webs off of me while also attempting to calm myself down.
“No,” I mumble. Spiders can also crawl into mouths. It’s wet and dark. Spiders like wet and dark. “Afraid of spiders.” That’s all I have the ability to explain. I think back to the fake zipper I closed on my lips earlier and wish I could do that in reality, firmly zipping my mouth closed with no way to get in.
I hear quickening footsteps from behind and feel firm hands grasp my arms to turn me to him. The familiar scent of pine and salt rushes into my nose and I immediately feel a bit calmer knowing Hudson is here. “What happened?”
I shake my head at his words refusing to open my mouth.
“We were racing and she ran into the big spider web and I guess she’s like really afraid of spiders,” Ethan explains.
I can feel Hudson’s hands tense on my arms. “Ethan, you knew that web was going to be there, why did you let her run into it?”
“I didn’t know she would be afraid.”
“It’s okay… I’m fine…” I manage between panicked breaths. Ethan didn’t know I would react this way. To his eight-year-old self, this was going to be a funny prank to play on a new friend, not a completely terrifying and traumatizing experience. I wasn’t going to let Hudson be mad at him
“Listen to my voice, Sunshine. I am going to start pulling the webbing off of you, okay?”
I nod.
“Ethan come over here and hold her hand please.” Within seconds, I feel a small hand become enveloped by mine. He squeezes hard and I am immediately grounded by the pressure. I take a deep, careful breath through my nose and let it out slowly.
“That’s it. Breathe. Focus on my voice and Ethan’s hand in yours.”
I do as he says and I feel my heart start to return to normal as he pulls a web that was tangled in my eyelashes. Good thing I kept my eyes shut. Sometimes my anxiety-ridden thoughts can be beneficial.
“There are wind chimes above your head. Do you hear them?” I focus on the breeze sweeping across my cheeks and listen for the tinkling sounds above. Even though I can feel the other pairs of eyes on us, I don’t feel as exposed as I normally do.
I feel…okay.
I’m okay.
Hudson is here. Ethan is beside me and something tells me that no one here is going to judge me for what’s happening.
Once I feel the webs leave my face, I finally relax. Until I remember the crawling feeling from earlier and I tense up again. Hudson notices.
“What is it?”
“It’s probably in my head. It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine if it has your whole body seized up. Tell me what’s wrong,” he says firmly.
“I just thought I felt something crawl on me earlier, but like I said it was probably in my head. Or one of the webs. You got all those. It’s fine.”
He wastes no time in unzipping my jacket and peeling it from my shoulders. Ethan’s hand briefly leaves mine, but his warmth returns as soon as my sleeve is off. I am grateful for his hand in mine and give it a gentle squeeze.
Once my jacket is off, Hudson starts circling me. A predator circling its prey except I am not the meal. Ethan’s hand tenses in mine and I shut my eyes again at the fear creeping up my spine.
Nope. Not fear.Legs.
I am hyperventilating again as I hear Ethan say Hudson’s name and I imagine him silently pointing to the creature on my back, crawling its way up to my exposed skin that is prickling at the surface.
“Stay still,” is all I hear. Like I could even move if I wanted to. My body is petrified and I suddenly know what Captain America must have felt like in the block of ice he was stuck in for 70 years. A cold, suffocating pressure that is a constant presence. My chest tightens and the pressure of an anvil presses down, caving in.
I feel the quick motion of Hudson gently scooping the spider from my back. He immediately walks to the back corner of the yard. He opens his hand and shakes it off over the fence and the tension in my body rolls out of me. I am suddenly exhausted and feel like I could sleep for days.
Panic attacks are one thing, but being completely paralyzed by fear for a few minutes makes the energy seep from my body like liquid slowly leaking from a broken faucet.
I meet Hudson’s eyes across the yard as he starts walking purposefully towards me. His eyes darken with something behind them I can’t quite recognize. I want to ask him what he is thinking, but it’s then I remember the other people around us.
