Page 99 of Pictures in Blue
“Sharon, what are you doing here?”
Her eyes narrow at the name. She hates it when I call her anything but some form of the word mom. What she doesn’t know is she lost that privilege a long time ago.
“I’ve been calling and texting you, and you haven’t responded. So I came to you. You had your friend go to your place when I wasn’t there and move all of my stuff outandchange the locks!” she yells, shrill voice piercing the air. The dogs run from the kitchen at the sound of it and hide behind the couch. Part of me wishes I could join them.
I can see Hudson look at me, questions swimming behind his eyes. I didn’t tell him about the phone call to Charlotte. Only Elias knew and that was only because he was standing there when I made the call. As soon as Charlotte answered, she knew something was different and she didn’t hesitate to go to my apartment.
She got up from her computer, left work in the middle of the day with James calling after her. She told him it was an emergency and when he yelled more, she finally yelled back, “You know what? Fuck you!” before promptly leaving, the brightest smile on her face as she skipped down the stairs of our office building. Well, my office building now. I doubt James will let her come back after that.
I look Sharon in the eyes and stand as tall as I am able. As tall as I feel, which is more than the few inches I am used to.
“You mean you stalked me…is what you did. I’m here for me and there’s a reason I wasn’t answering your calls or your texts. I don’t want to talk to you. I am done.”
She lets out a derisive laugh. “You’re done? What does that even mean?” She stops to look around the space and her eyes land on the little pieces of me that I have left around. Clothes on the couch, a ribbon on the counter next to two mugs along with one on the floor that one of the dogs must have gotten a hold of.
“You expect me to believe you came here foryourself?When you are coming downstairs from a stranger’s house looking like a whore who just spent the night in his bed? When did you meet him? Yesterday? And you’re already jumping in bed with him? Looking like that? Really, sweetie? I raised you better than that.”
Her words sting and Hudson speaks before I can. He places a strong hand on my arm and pulls me back until he is standing in front of me, a protective wall of padding, guarding me from the beast ready to bite. He towers over her. “Absolutely not,” is all he says in a voice I haven’t heard before. Commanding and dark.
“You think you are going to scare me? Please.”
His eyes darken and his voice comes out low and daunting, but calm. “Mmm,” he scoffs. “It’s funny you think I’m the one you need to worry about. But I’ll be damned if I allow you to come in here and insult the woman I love.”
My insides turn to ice at his words. He’s never said them to me and I never expected him to. Our agreement ends in two days and I am going back to California. But when I look at him, standing there against my mother, speaking in my defense, my resolve shatters. He’s picking up the pieces I came here to mend.
No, I tell myself. I am picking them up, but he is holding them together.
“Love?” she scoffs again. “I am her mother.Ilove her.”
It’s my turn to let out a condescending sound. She peels her eyes from Hudson, shock spreading across her features. “You’ve never loved me,” I say. Hudson glances back at me and I nod, letting him know I’m okay. Letting him know I can do this. Stand up to her. Something I should have done years ago. “You raised me, but that’s where your mothering ends.”
“Av—”
I cut a hand through the air to silence her. “No. You shut up for once and let me speak.”
She jerks her head back and her eyes widen in surprise. Never have I stood up for myself. Never have I talked back to her, not even when I was a kid being constantly belittled by her and her friends. But I will not shrink in her presence ever again.
“You have belittled me foryears. You have treated me like I was nothing but a consolation prize and when I wasn’t perfect enough for you and didn’t live up to your impossibly high standards, you threw me aside.” My eyes start to water and I can feel my voice straining with emotion, but I don’t let myself break. Not in front of her. Not anymore. “Do you know what I go through on a daily basis because of your so-called mothering?” I ask.
Her features are stoic. Guarded and uncaring. I can tell she’s just waiting for me to be done talking so she can resume whatever insult she is thinking of throwing my way. She crosses her arms, boredom shown in her movements and in her face.
“You don’t. Because you don’t care. You havenevercared.” My voice breaks, but I refuse to let her see me crumble. “I have no self-esteem because of you. I am in therapy because of you. I have hated myself and my body, because. Of. You. You are manipulative. You are childish. You are horrible. You are a monster and I could keep going, but I am a better person than you, so I won’t. And you won’t change. You have shown who you are. You are all of the things I just said and you will continue to be, but the one thing you will no longer be is my mother. So leave. Don’t text me. Don’t call me. Don’t show up where I am. I never want to see you again and if I do, I will call the police. Don’t think for a second I won’t hesitate to get a restraining order against you, because I will. I had Charlotte move you out because I. Am.Done.”
I have never seen her look shocked before, but now her eyes are wide, tears forming behind them either out of panic at losing her daughter or panic at the fact that she doesn’t have me to depend on anymore. I don’t care. I try to look for a hint of compassion or regret, but I find none and my heart breaks a little bit more for the relationship I never had and will never have with her.
“As if I wanted anything to do with you anyway,” she spits before she walks out and slams the door behind her.
I stand, frozen in place, staring at the door as I listen to her car starting. Her tires circle the gravel driveway and the sound fades from the air. The last words I will ever hear her say and they were said with such hate behind them, but I know I made the right choice. I am making the right choice. So why does it feel so shitty?
The house is quiet aside from Hudson’s breathing and my quick breaths. He reaches his arms out to me and it’s only then that I let the dam inside me break. I crumple to the floor and Hudson is there to catch me.
Strong arms and calm words, he carries me back up the stairs to his bed and lets me cry in his arms. His voice soothing me with soft lullabies and his hands tracing gentle circles up and down my back until I have nothing left in me and I welcome the darkness.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
HUDSON
Avery sleeps through most of the day and evening, only getting up for the bathroom occasionally.The Princess Bridehas been playing on a loop on the TV in my bedroom and the only time I have left her side is to take care of the dogs or to bring her food..
