Page 19 of Into the Mountains
He comes to sit next to me, mimicking my posture. His arms come to rest around his knees and suddenly he seems so…small.
“I’m not sure I am either,” he admits so softly I almost don’t hear him.
“I thought you were excited about the move?” I ask, looking over. His eyes stay on his knees in front of him.
“I am excited. I’m really excited actually. But,” he hesitates and looks at me. I nod, encouraging him to go on.
“This was our home as a family.” Tears shine in his eyes and that shattering in my chest I heard earlier only grows louder.
“It was.”
“I don’t want to leave her behind.”
Putting my arm around him and pulling him close to my chest, I kiss the top of his head. “Never,” I choke out. “She’s with us always, Son. No matter where we go.” And for the first time in a long time, we cry together, not letting go of one another. Our lifeboats on a sinking ship, we hold on as tight as we can until the seas start to calm.
With one tight squeeze, he loosens his grip and I let him draw back as I grab for the box. “I couldn’t leave this behind.” I pull it closer and hope when I open it, the shattering sound wasn’t an omen of things to come. Carefully, I pull out the now shattered picture frame and slowly tug the photo free of the broken glass.
“Maybe we can get a new frame for the picture and hang it up somewhere at the new house.” Ethan’s words sound more like a question than anything else and I feel the familiar sense of guilt well up inside that I put even one picture of his mother away. This one is from the day before we found out about her diagnosis. We had no idea what was coming and the two of us are looking at each other like we have all the time in the world to live our lives together with our son. She had teased me about the teal sweater I wore that day. I was convinced it was a shade of green and she insisted it wasn’t. We fake argued about it all day to the point we looked up the exact sweater I bought to see the color that was listed.
Sarah was right. And I still don’t wear teal.
“Whoa, Dad, look at this!” Ethan quickly buries his small hand into the box, diving for whatever it is he sees.
“Ethan, be careful. There’s glass everywhere.”
He listens and uses his other hand to move a few scarves, a box of jewelry, and a few books carefully out of the way. When he pulls his hand out of the box, a bracelet is dangling from his fingers. It’s nothing flashy. That wasn’t Sarah’s style.
It’s a simple gold leather band with an engraved circular pendant in the middle.
“What’s on it?”
Without even inspecting it, he answers. “Erebor.”
“Erebor?” This is something I should know, I can feel it.
“It’s the symbol of Erebor, Dad.” He says it like it should be obvious, but it’s still not. Cue the dad guilt. Again.
He looks up at me and when he sees the confused look on my face, his eyes roll practically to the ceiling. “It’s fromThe Hobbit,Dad. It’s about time you read it.”
“I’ve tried.” I have. I just can’t seem to retain anything when I do try to read it. I’ll read a page and then be confused on the next one because I can’t remember what I just read on the previous one. I’ve never been able to read much. “Maybe it’s time I try again though,” I say, because I can’t help but want to do everything I can to relate to my son in some way.
“Can you help me?” He reaches out his wrist and hands me the bracelet. I secure it to his wrist and study the symbol for a moment. I’ve seen it before in his room and on his collectibles.
“Erebor is the Lonely Mountain, right?”
He lifts his eyebrow in suspicion. “How’d you know that?”
“I may not have read the book, kid, but I’ve seen that movie with you and your mom way more times than I can count.”
The corners of his lips lift slightly. If I wasn’t looking, I would have missed it, but the smile was there. Usually at the mention of Sarah, it’s a lot of tears and heartache. It would be good to have more smiles once in a while.
“Thanks, Dad. You’re the best.”
Before I have a chance to say anything, Ethan bounces out the door toward our family, leaving me here to say goodbye.
And I think I’m ready to do the same.
CHAPTER NINE
