Page 92 of Into the Mountains
“Yeah,” she breathes out like she still can’t believe it happened. “I’d like to explore that more later, but right now, you’re in charge. So don’t stop.”
“I’m in charge, yet you’re the one telling me not to stop.”
She rolls her eyes and comes down to give me a quick kiss on the lips before she gets back into the position she was in before.
I follow her movements, but this time I don’t ease back into her. I give her what she wanted before and push into her quick and hard. She moans and I don’t waste any time. I grab her braidand wrap it once around my hand, tugging her head back just enough to expose her neck.
“Fuck yes,” she moans.
That’s all the encouragement I need.
In a few more strokes, my own orgasm bursts through me. We are both exhausted and need to hop in the shower, but I don’t think either of us wants to move.
We lie there for a while in the comfortable silence. Spent and satisfied, my mind drifts to the camping trip after canoeing. And I realize I never brought up our conversation again.
“I’m sorry.”
Her head instantly lifts from my chest, her brows already furrowed. “For what exactly?”
I play with her hair, trying to figure out the right words to say. “I tried to apologize to you officially after the canoe race thing during the camping trip, but everyone showed up and I didn’t say anything about it the rest of the trip and I should have. Hell, I should have a long time ago and I’ll apologize for that too.”
“You’re rambling.” Her fingertips trace the line of my jaw back and forth, and my dick is already hardening again, but I can’t give that any attention.
“I’m sorry for Ash. I had planned to tell you everything, about the dare, the app, everything. Then Ash got in the way and kind of spilled the beans before I could and I never had the chance to explain, which is fair. I deserved that and you had way more going on, you didn’t need me to deal with too. I’m just sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
She doesn’t say anything. We sit in the quiet of the apartment for what feels like hours, a clock on the wall ticking away the seconds.
“It took me a long time to separate the pain of my parents’ death and losing you. It was all confusing and different kindsof losses, but they all hurt. Everything hurt, which is why I left and never went back. It wasn’t until I moved here and saw you, watched you from a distance, and learned what kind of man you really are that I forgave you. I realized the anger I held on to was childish and, while it was justified at the time, holding it for so long was stupid. I should have forgiven you a long time ago.” Her eyes are shining with unshed tears now and all I want to do is take away her pain.
“My mom didn’t want me to stay angry and I did anyway. At you, at her for forgetting me, and my dad. At Dad for dying so soon after Mom. That summer was filled with so much love with you and my family, but over the years, the dark parts took over in my memories and the pain is what I remember the most. The feeling of utter heartbreak when Mom forgot me again in the middle of a conversation. The devastation I felt when I found my dad on the floor of the living room, knowing he was gone. Knowing I’d just lost the only other person that mattered to me in my life. And the worst part was I didn’t get to say goodbye.”
The conversation has shifted to something she doesn’t open up about much and this matters more than anything I had to say, so I just pull her closer and listen.
“Mom was different. Even though she forgot me, I still had a chance to say goodbye and tell her how much I loved her. I was able to hug her again and feel her arms wrap around mine one last time. But with him, that chance was ripped away from me. I’d never see him smile again or feel the scratchiness from his beard when he kissed my cheek or the top of my head. I’d never hear his unmistakable, boisterous laugh or an encouraging word when I needed one. He was just gone and my life changed in a way that I wasn’t ready for. I had to handle the grief in a completely different way. A way that I wasn’t ready to handle.” Tears fall from her chin and roll their way down my chest and onto the floor. I wipe underneath her eyes and squeezeher shoulder, offering her whatever comfort I can as she talks through the most painful memories of her life.
“You don’t talk about your dad much.”
She takes a deep breath in and lets a shaky one out. “I’ve never talked about his death to anyone really. During the visitation, it was just one long line of people saying the same things over and over again. So I would too. I’d repeat myself so much, it was like I was a robot. It was sudden. Unexpected. It was a heart attack. No history of heart related issues. I never explained further. Andy and Meredith tried to help, but eventually I pushed them away enough that they knew I needed space. So, the only people that know I’m the one who found him are the EMTs that showed up after I called 911 and the coroner who came after. And now you.”
“I remember being in the house when Hudson found Sarah. She was downstairs at George and Isabelle’s on the couch playingScrabbleand watching a movie with Hudson. One thing I never told anyone was that I actually woke up ten minutes before he did. I don’t know if that’s the moment she died, but I woke up for some reason and when I did, I could feel it. That she just wasn’t here anymore. When I went downstairs, Hudson was distraught. I was practically numb and I think part of him will never understand how I was so calm through it all. I knew what I was walking down to when I woke up. A future without my wife. But I had to be there for my son, too, and I think if I wouldn’t have had him to focus on, it would have been a lot harder. I also had a support system in my family. I’m sorry you didn’t have that.”
We’ve both been through such deep losses, it’s hard to imagine a time when I wasn’t mourning Sarah over the years or when she wasn’t mourning her parents. Yet here we are. Healing together.
“I am too, but it’s my fault that I didn’t. I could have had Andy and Meredith and their family, but I pushed them as far away as I could at any chance I got.”
Suddenly an idea starts to form in my head. One that I’m not sure how I feel about and I’m very unsure how she will take it, but I speak my mind anyway. “Have you thought about going back there?”
“Back?”
“Yeah. I mean, the house is in your name and you said before you haven’t been back to officially clean it out or anything. Why don’t we go together? I could help and maybe you can get closure?”
She looks as if she’s going to debate me at first, but after a second she lets the thought sink in. Once it’s fully submerged, she meets my eyes. “Let’s do it.”
“Really?” I ask surprised. I figured I’d have to do more convincing, but the determination in her face says she’s ready to face her past and she wants me there with her.
“Yes. But let’s focus on finishing the expansion and then we can go. I’d rather finish so I can fully be there and not worry about doing other things during our visit.”
“Deal.”
