Page 93 of Into the Mountains
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
ELIAS
I’ve been awake for far too long, and my thoughts are spinning in my head like an uneven load in the washer. I can’t help it though. My life has been uneven and confusing for years. Expecting any kind of end to that is a little out of my wheelhouse now.
Charlie was the first one I was thinking of when I woke up and seeing her next to me, cuddling close when she sensed my movement, felt more right than I want to admit. Considering I woke up because of a nightmare I had of my dead wife, anyone’s head would feel like a jumbled, fucked up mess.
It feels like only a short time ago, I had a healthy wife I was madly in love with, a complete life in Seattle, a thriving business with her, and we had our son to swoon over at every opportunity we got. And now she’s just gone. I’ve struggled a lot with moving on. Dating was never an option because of Ethan and even if he wasn’t in the picture, I don’t think I would have dated for a long time. Hell, if Charlie hadn’t come back into my life I doubt I’d have ever been with anyone else. I’ve only loved two women in my life and I had to move on from one because of choices I made. I’m forced to move on from the other too, not because ofmy choices, but because the universe or whatever being might be out there decided Sarah had to die.
I catch myself sometimes expecting to see her on the couch or walking down the street. It’s easier living in Jacob’s old house now, but living in her town makes it harder some days. I think she’d like Charlie though. However, if Sarah was still alive, there would be no reason for Charlie to be here, aside from Avery. They still would have met at one point in time and I like to believe they would have been friends.
“What are you thinking about so hard over there?” I turn my gaze from the ceiling I’ve been staring at for who knows how long and meet Charlie’s beautifully tired eyes.
“Honestly?”
She smiles sadly like she already knows what I’m going to say. She probably does. “Always.”
“I was thinking about Sarah…and you.”
“Yeah?”
Automatically I search for some kind of reaction. Anything that will tell me that she has a problem with talking about my wife. My ex-wife? No, we never divorced, she’s not my ex.
“Is that weird?”
She doesn’t answer right away and I wonder what thoughts are swirling through her mind now. What tornado is taking place in her head. “I don’t think so.”
“It’s not?”
“No? I mean, I don’t really know the answer to that actually, but my gut tells me that’s not weird, so I’m going to go with it. But she was your wife. The person you expected to spend the rest of your life with. Grow insanely old with. And that didn’t happen. Now, here you are, dating for the first time after her death, with a woman you dated fifteen years ago, trying not to feel guilty about any of it. I can’t even imagine the shitstorm that is going through your head right now.”
“Shitstorm…that’s a good word for it. I feel happier than I have since she was on this Earth. And I know I shouldn’t feel bad about that. Most of the time I don’t. But there are times I do feel like I shouldn’t be happy, like I’m not allowed. And if I am, I have something inside me that’s twisted. She didn’t get to live the rest of her life. Why should I get to?”
She shifts closer to me in the bed so her body is fully facing mine, her arm resting underneath her head. I close my eyes when the palm of her hand comes to rest on my face. I turn my head slightly so I can press my lips to her wrist. Her pulse is steady, not nervous or freaked out by the conversation we’re having and I think mine skips a beat or two because of that realization.
“You’re not twisted or wrong for being happy. You’re not wrong for feeling sad,” she pauses and waits for me to open my eyes, hers searing into me like she wants the words she’s about to say do the same. “And you aren’t wrong for still having love for Sarah.”
“You’re not angry that I do?”
“I’d be more weirded out if you didn’t. I’m not stupid, Eli. I know she was the love of your life and she was taken away from you. I don’t expect to replace her. I just want to be here with you and Ethan. Andforyou.”
I don’t say anything else. I don’t think either of us need to. Our lips press together and my heart quickens for a completely different reason and I am suddenly filled with warmth I haven’t felt in a while. I’ve let myself remain stranded in the cold for so long with no way to get warm. Charlie is here now and all I feel is the warmth seeping in more and more, thawing everything I encased in ice.
“I’m falling again, honey.” The smile stretches on her lips that are pressed against mine. My new favorite thing might be feeling her smiles against me.
“If you think I ever stopped falling, even when I hated you, you’d be wrong, Eli.” I was wrong then, because I truly thought when she cut me off, any feelings she had for me were gone, closed off or locked away. But now with everything she’s told me, they never fully disappeared. I can’t say I’m unhappy about that.
She starts to kiss her way down my chest, my torso and I take a deep breath in.
Because it feels like I can freely breathe again.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
CHARLOTTE
Weeks pass with Eli and I working on the expansion project with nights spent in one another’s bed. Usually his after Ethan is in bed. While his son knows we are dating, I don’t think Eli is fully ready to let him know just how much we have established ourselves in each other’s lives. I wouldn’t be surprised if he already knows though. He has a good intuition.
The plans are about to be finalized and there’s a part of me that’s afraid of that. We see each other just about every day and I’m not sure what life will look like when we don’t have the work excuse to spend so much time together. Then again, it was only a few short weeks ago we were on the floor of my apartment practically professing our love to each other. Not much conversation has come up about that since and I think it’s because we have been focusing so much on the project and finishing it.
