Page 35 of Keeping Busy
“You let your mind wander during sex, Mecca? On purpose or is this some kind of medical condition?”
I wanted to laugh, because really, what the hell medical condition caused a reaction like mine? But the expression on his face was serious, so I matched his energy. “A therapist told me once that it’s a defense mechanism, a way for me to maintain control.”
“Self-discipline even in the harshest of circumstances. I mean, your body wants to let go, and give in, but to give in would mean you have to give up control.”
“Why do you understand this?”
“B.S. in Psychology. Hale Williams University, class of 2011.” He joked. “Besides, I’m an athlete, I know all about the pride that comes from self-denial and mental strength. Playing through strains, pulls and even breaks. Pushing your body to its limits - mentally compartmentalizing pain...or in your case, pleasure. That shit’s not healthy.”
“It’s not.” I agreed. “But it’s a hard habit to break.”
He focused his attention on a spot somewhere over my head. “It’s a learned behavior. Anything learned can be unlearned.”
“That’s what they tell me.” I mumbled.
His eyes found mine, again. “It’s true. It just takes time and a willingness to change. That’s the problem with athletes, if we think a habit serves us well, even if it’s unhealthy, it’s hard for us to drop it.”
“Don’t be analyzing me.” I teased.
“I’m not. I’m empathizing with you, cuz I do the same shit. Not where sex is concerned. I totally let myself go during sex. I feelallthe feels.”
He was grinning at me, and I couldn’t help grinning back. He was just too damn fine.
“At least you can relate, other dudes...not so much. My last guy kept insisting that I didn’t like sex.” I pinned Maddox with my gaze. “I like sex.”
“Maybe you just didn’t like it with him.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe. The bottom line is that in order for me togive up control, I would have to trust completely, and the only person I trust like that...is me.”
“Okay. Okay. So, I’m guessing when you get intimate with yourself, you stay engaged.”
I laughed out loud. “Definitely.”
“I’mma put this out there, and you can do what you want with it - I have never backed down from a challenge.”
“Did I challenge you? I don’t remember challenging you. We were sharing, Boo. That wasn’t me throwing down the gauntlet. That wasn’t a challenge.”
“Just keeping my hands to myself when you’re around is a challenge, Pudding.”
“Ugh, you’re so corny, Busy.”
He moved closer to me, even though we were only about a foot away from each other. “Let me off the leash, Pudding. Let me pursue you, date you for real. The shit that happened with them other dudes has to be unsatisfying. I’ll help you relieve your frustration.”
Ooh, he was so right. I liked sex, but it did have the tendency to be unsatisfying. Looking at Maddox, I didn’t think there was any way that sex with him would be a flop, still, I wasn’t going to tell him that. “Yeah, yeah. Every dude thinks he has the magic stick. But when we’re in the middle of doing that thang, and I’m mentally planning my outfit for the next day, what then? You gonna want a do-over?”
“Oh, you’re talking so much shit.”
“You gonna make me eat my words?”Please promise to make me eat words, then come through and actually make me eat my words.
“If we’re in the middle of doing that thing, and you’re planning out clothes to wear…” he started.
I waited to hear whatever platitude he was going to spout about how hard he would make me cum, and how he would “snatch my soul,” and all the other bullshit promises men liked to make.
“I’mma be highly disappointed in myself.” He continued. “And you might hear me crying in the shower.”
I screamed in laughter. “Wow. I can’t believe you.”
“And yeah, I might want a do-over.” He chuckled.
