Page 27 of Liquid Courage
“Just making sure I get all of the facts.”
“So is that what this is about?” Vivian kept her tone light, but she also wasn’t above fishing for some truth out of Kat’s dirty mind. “You gonna get me some food and drink before taking me back to your place?”
“Nah. Thought we’d do some other stuff in between too. I was just hungry.”
Vivian didn’t know what to make of Kat sometimes. She was so self-assured – something Vivian could never hope to be anytime soon. One moment she made a girl feel like the sexiest lady in the world. The next? Like she was easily replaced, because Kat couldn’t be assed to think about anything but sex. And if her date wasn’t in the mood, then what good was she?
No, don’t do this to yourself.Those were self-destructive thoughts getting the best of her again. Kat wouldn’t be on a real date with her if all she cared about was sex. Didn’t she normally work on Sundays? She must have cleared her schedule for this date. And it wasn’t like she didn’t have access to a bunch of gay women every single night!
“Sorry.” Vivian didn’t know why she was apologizing. Kat hadn’t been serious… probably. “The truth is, that night we met was my first time going on a date since getting better. I’m so out of practice. I mean, it’s not like I was a big dater evenbeforeI got sick. But a lot changed during those months. I’m not exactly the same woman I used to be.”
“Is that a bad thing? People change. Life events, getting older… eh. Some things always stay the same, I guess, but who cares? Change isn’t a bad thing.”
Vivian hadn’t meant to frown on this date, but she couldn’t help it. Hearing Kat say it like that brought some uncomfortable thoughts to the forefront of her mind. “On one hand, I guess I’m a lot more appreciative about having a life and not taking things for granted. On the other... I don’t like how self-conscious being sick made me.”
“Because of your weight loss?”
“It’s not just the numbers on the scale or what I see in the mirror. It’s how I feel.” Vivian’s soup had cooled enough to let her have a sip. “My doctor says I’m back in a healthy range and my bloodwork is really good. My family says I look slimmer, notskinnier,because words are important, right? My old clothes don’t look like tents on me anymore. But that doesn’t change the fact that my bones feel brittle when people hug me or I can’t walk around the mall without getting winded and needing to sit down for an hour. I hate it. I hate what being sick did to me. I feel like I was stolen from my body and put in somebody else’s. I feel like a joke.”
Kat was contemplative for a few moments. Then, “Obviously, I can’t feel what you’re feeling so I can tell you if you’re full of shit or not. Even if I could, it’s none of my business to tell you if you’re full of shit. But Icantell you that you look great. And for what it’s worth…” she leaned over her soup, the steam adding a touch of pink to her cheeks, “I don’t think I’m going to break you when I hug you.”
Vivian couldn’t bear to look at her when she said such embarrassing things like that! “You mean shoving me against your wall.”
“Same difference, honestly.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“What in the world do I have to gain from doing that? I already know you like me. Besides, I’m not the type to blow smoke I don’t believe in up your ass so I can get laid. You’re not the only one who knows what it feels like to be super self-conscious.”
“Really?You?What do you have to be self-conscious about?”
Kat laughed. “I’ve spent half my life feeling like a freak because I’m not hyper-feminine. Why do you think my mom and I ain’t pals? If she had her way, I would look like some Victoria’s Secret supermodel. She used to sign me up for pageants when I was a kid. The really scary shit. Curly wigs, frilly dresses, and tap dancing lessons.”
“No fucking way!”
“Way. Turns out I’m a big ol’ lesbian who, as my mom puts it, is stuck in 1995. Not sure what gay bars my mom was hanging out in back then since I was a little kid in ’95, but all right. Besides…” Kat stirred her spoon around her clam chowder. She didn’t take a bite. “Even in my adult life, other women – women who are supposed to be attracted to the wonderful differences that make up femininity and womanhood or what the fuck ever – have a bunch of shitty opinions about my appearance too. They either hate the fact I ‘look like a fifteen-year-old boy’ as they put it, or that I still wear some makeup now and then. Turns out, I’m not always in the mood to debate the way I express my gender.”
“Now we’re in personal politics.”
“Bullshit, right? I embraced lesbianism so I could get away from talking about my gender. I’m supposed to be on the same page as everyone else. You think I’m a girl, right?”
Vivian was going to give a practical answer before thinking of something cheekier – and something that would turn the tone of their conversation back to flirty and fun. “Dunno. I’m gonna have to do more investigating later.”
“Snap, right, I haven’t taken off my clothes in front of you yet.”
The waitress still clearly overheard them, for she abandoned her post by the front podium and pretended to be engrossed with a stack of uneven menus far,faraway on the other side of the café.
***
Kat had no idea what to expect on a date with Vivian. Talking about their deepest, darkest issues fifteen minutes in… yeah, that was definitely not on any list of expectations.
Can’t believe I told her about that shit.Kat rarely went into the insecurities she still sometimes felt regarding how she dressed and cut her hair. She had never seen herself as anything but a woman. Growing up, she heard every message from her TV and YA books that said she could still be a formidable woman even if she never wore skirts or makeup. These days? People still assumed she wanted to be a man. Even in the so-called LGBT clubs she left as soon as she joined, because she was tired of explaining that lesbianism still existed.
My mom says I’m not a real woman. Ass-crumpits like Shari say I’m an inferior woman. It never ends.Logic told Kat that the world was set up to brainwash women into tearing each other down. It happened even in the bar, where 99 percent of the patrons were self-identified women and claimed to be totally above that behavior.
Even Kat was guilty of it sometimes. How many times had she looked at Shari working her evil magic and thought,“Real women don’t do this to each other.”
It amazed her that someone as conventionally feminine as Vivian, with her silky long hair, made-up face, and clothes straight from the department store window, could face the same kind of insecurities.People are terrible to each other.
