Page 41 of Liquid Courage
“Yes, I often do feel insane.”
Is that why you lash out at people?Again, which parts of her were the real Shari, and which parts were her disease? At what point did shebecomeher disease?I can’t believe I’m entertaining this. It’s so ridiculous.
Shari sighed, the tension in her face easing as she pointed her nose down toward her tea. “I’m sorry. Truly. I am.”
Kat didn’t say anything. She still had yet to try her coffee.
“The doctor says my attitude is normal. Granted, I’m pretty sure I’m an angry, spiteful person in general, but I like to believe I was better at managing it before I forgot to put on underwear every day. Okay, so that’s an exaggeration. I don’t forget to take off underwear. I mean put on. I think that’s what I mean.”
Kat still had no idea what to say.
“This disease mostly fucks up my interpersonal relationships. I don’t recognize people unless they’re around me constantly. Even that will slip away one day. If it weren’t for my brother, I’d probably give up being happy at all. But a part of me thinks it’s worth it to go out on dates while I still can. One day, everyone around me will say it’s too dangerous for me to date and have sex. That I won’t be able to legally consent because my disease has advanced that badly. Forget not being in the right mind to vote. I’ll miss sex the most. Dating. Harboring dreams that maybe I’d meet a woman who could tolerate my nasty attitude and see past what I say and see who I really am inside. That was before who I really am became the disease. Doctors think I’ve had it my whole life, though. That I was born with it. Can you imagine? Not knowing who I really am supposed to be?”
“I admit, I had been wondering.”
“It’s so exhausting that I stopped caring about it. I want to spend the last of my energy on more productive shit. Did you know I’ve been trying to write a book for years? I keep such extensive notes that my notes are basically my book now. I just need to pretty it up with better prose and toss in a few transitions.”
She really likes hearing herself talk.“What does this got to do with me?”
“I’m trying to apologize, okay? Sorry that I suck so much at it.”
“You should apologize to Vivian,” Kat reminded her. “I’m in the ancient past. Vivian is still reeling from you confirming her worst fears. Or so she tells herself.”
“You know what? Set me up with her, and I’ll do that. Feel free to tell her about the worm eating its way through my memory, first. Might sound nicer coming from you.” Shari enjoyed a nice, long sip of her tea. “This is really good. It’s weird, you know? I can’t remember what it tastes like if more than a few minutes go by and it’s left my tongue.”
“Okay. I’ll do it.” Kat stood up, her to-go cup in hand. “Drop by the bar sometime Wednesday night when Vivian and I will both be there. You can apologize to her.”
“All right. I’ll put it in my calendar right now.” Shari took out her phone. “Otherwise I’ll forget.”
Kat held up her cup in recognition. “I really gotta get going. I need a shower.”
“Yes, you do.”
Sick or not, Kat really did not miss Shari. Not even a little bit.
