Page 50 of The One That Ran Away
“Yeah.”
They sat in silence, Jess rubbing her sore spots and Shannon trying to forget what made her so uncomfortable in that awkward moment.That was a stupid thing to say. She knows exactly what I mean.Shannon couldn’t say what she felt. All she knew was that she wanted to smack her face against the pavement like Jess had crashed into the bushes.I couldn’t come to terms with what we did back in college.
“Jess?”
She sat up straight, arms crossed and knees bent. Her sneakers dug into the pavement as if it were quicksand. “Yeah?”
“I’ve been thinking lately. About what happened.”
“Not this again.”
“Sorry, it’s… really heavy on my mind, you know?”
“Sucks to hear that. Can’t say it’s been as heavy on my mind.”
You’re lying.Shannon had recognized that look on Jess’s face the first two times they crossed paths again.I remember how you looked when I sat down at your table in the teashop.That look of wonder, of adoration… of instant love.
She hadn’t seen it lately.
I know you still want me like that.Shannon propped her elbows up on her knees and stared at the cold, white clouds settling in over Portland for the hundredth time that winter. Or was it spring now? Daylight Savings Time had started, but Shannon couldn’t remember which day was the first of spring.When did we used to have spring break? Did you used to think of me while you were home for spring break, Jess?
She had thought of Jess, occasionally.
Many times.
Frustration, confusion, abandonment… those were the sorts of emotions flooding Shannon’s mind when she used to think of Jess Mills and what her role in life was.I thought you were a test, Jess. Someone sent by the universe to test who I was.She realized now that was a terrible way to think of someone. Jess was a person with as many hopes, fears, and desires as anyone else. She had been in the precarious position of a gay girl in love with someone she never dreamed she could have.
The reason those thoughts used to keep Shannon up at night – and still did – was because she knew how it felt to be afraid of change.
“The day after we… you know…”
Jess heaved a mighty sigh. “Seriously, don’t do this. Please. I’m kinda begging you.”
Shannon sat back. “Do what? I’m trying to explain…”
“I don’t need you to explain anything.” Jess stood up, brushing the dirt off her knees. “That was a long time ago, Shan. I try not to live in the past too much.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means… I dunno. It means stop living in the past! I have. You should try it sometime. Really freeing. Makes you forget what epic cunts some people were in your past.”
That was directed at Shannon, who felt it like a stab to her heart.
“Where are you going?”
“Home. Thanks for this, I guess, but I didn’t know it would be more trouble than it was worth.”
“I don’t think it’s…”
Jess rounded on her, the fury of pain burning behind her eyes. “Don’t, okay? I know you mean well. I think.” She threw her arms down with a huff. “I’m not the same person I was back then. I’m not as eager.”
“Eager?”
“Desperate.”
Shannon cocked her head in confusion.
“God,” Jess said with a chuckle. “You’re really beautiful, you know that?”
Shannon was too shocked to beg Jess to stay.
