Page 77 of The Good Girl Effect
As he turns on me, I see the struggle in his expression. The excruciating conflict. “You think I want to be angry at you?” he snaps. “You are the last person I want to be angry with.”
“It doesn’t matter if you want to. Youare. So tell me.”
“Fine,” he growls painfully as his expression morphs into contempt. “You want to hear how mad I am?” He corners me into a wall with a sneer. “You didn’t just disobey me. You betrayed me. And not with just anyone but with mydaughter. You knew I didn’t want her taking those classes, but you did it anyway.”
Even though it hurts to feel his wrath, I love it. I want more. Seeing the anger on his face only fuels mine more.
“Well, then maybeyoushould come down from this room once in a while and actuallytalkto us. Then I could have spoken with you about it. Show you care!” I argue, moving to my tiptoes to get into his face.
“You think I don’t care? You haveno ideahow much I care about her,” he bellows with a pained expression.
“Then let her take ballet lessons!”
He growls angrily as he paces away. “You’re overstepping. You arenother mother.”
“You don’t think I know that?” I fight back.
“So you have no say in what she does or doesn’t do,” he barks.
It’s strange, but hearing him fight for Bea feels oddly satisfying, even if I’m the one he’s fighting with. And even if I know I’m right.
“I don’t care if I’m not her mother,” I say, standing tall. “I’m going to do what’s best for her no matter what.”
When he turns back toward me, glaring through rage-filled eyes, I keep my chin held high. He huffs, exhaling hard through his nostrils and pressing his lips together. “You are too stubborn,” he grumbles. “Too strong-willed. And you don’t know your place.”
“I don’t care,” I declare.
“I should fire you for this.”
I have to remind myself to breathe and not to cry as I stare back at him. I don’t want him to see me react to that.
“Are you?” I reply, feeling the threat of tears. I don’t know what I’ll do if he does.
With an exhale, he turns away, keeping his back to me. “No.”
After a long, tense moment, I ask, “Why not?”
Maybe it’s foolish of me, but I want to know why he would keep me after I distinctly disobeyed his orders. I don’t deserve this job anymore, but in my heart, I hope he’s keeping me around for morepersonalreasons.
It’s a foolish thing to wish, especially when all our boundaries are getting blurred. If I can’t do my job well, then what am I here for? What am I to this family?
“Because she wantedyoutoday,” he mumbles under his breath.
The tears I’ve been trying not to cry suddenly brim in my eyes, and it only takes one blink to make them spill down my cheeks.
“Is that all?” I ask, my voice just above a whisper.
He doesn’t respond. Instead, he turns toward me and sees the moisture on my face, reacting with a pained flinch.
“I don’t think we should do the bondage anymore,” he says with a heavy sigh.
I have to bite my teeth together tightly to keep from hiccupping with a sob. Even though I know he’s right. We can’t cross these lines. Thereare nolines anymore. We’ve obliterated them. It all just hurts too much.
No matter how much I try to hold back my emotions, they still keep spilling over. I’m not strong enough to keep them in.
“Fine, Jack,” I reply with a shaky voice. “Let’s just go back to the way things were before when you hated the sound of my voice, and you never came out of your room, and you lived like a shadow in your own house. Back when you hated me. It was much easier that way.”
With nothing left to say, I turn on my heels and rush out of the room. I don’t even make it to my room before I lose it. Sobbing in my hands, I close the door behind me and throw myself into my own bed, crying against the pillow.
