Page 184 of Alphas Like Us
“Colossally,” Irebut.
He’s about to respond, but the sliding glass doors push open. My little brother storms barefoot onto the main deck in sweatpants and an oldNew Mutantstee.
Isolidify.
Some of Xander’s favorite vacations are on the yacht. No pressure to leave the boat, no strangers hounding him, and for the most part, he’s been in goodspirits.
The way he approaches me with a darkening scowl—I’m aware that something is vitallywrong.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Janie setting down her coffee and standing off the ottoman. Farrow also rises to hisfeet.
I turn towards my brother. “You okay,Summers?”
“You tell me,” Xander snaps loudly, his phone gripped in a fist, knuckleswhitened.
The chatty girl squad in the hot tub suddenly falls silent. On another set of couches, Eliot, Luna, and Tom are smoking—and their heads turn. Charlie, Beckett, and Sullivan look up from their game of Catan at an outdoor table. And Ben Cobalt stops reading his book on nature conservatories, only two lounge chairsaway.
You tellme.
I shake my head once, confused. It’s not like Xander to draw attention to himself, but I’m witnessing so much hurt twisting up his face. And I step forward. “Xander?”
His chest rises and falls heavily. “So you didn’t knock on Easton Mulligan’s door and accuse him of taking mymeds?”
Christ.“Xander—”
“Fuck you,” he says. And that rips me open, but he can’t see. Tears gather in his reddened eyes while I build barriers between me and myemotions.
I want to protect him, but I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve needed to protect him from something I did. From my choice, hismistake.
Our mistakes—I’m sorry. I’m so fuckingsorry.
“You’re mybrother,” Xander says like that word means life itself. He pushes the longer strands of his hair back, and I step one more footcloser.
He grew another inch this summer. We’re the same height now, but I look at him and I just see my fragile little brother. And this is not what I wanted forhim.
This is not how I saw thingsgoing.
I don’t have a chance to speak yet; he’s still getting itout.
“How could you even…?” His chin quakes. “…why wouldn’t you…” His face is beet-red, and Jane nears us like she’s about to put her arms aroundhim.
Xander points his phone at her, the one in his death-grip. “Don’t.”
She skids to a stop. A couple feet fromme.
“I don’t need you two doing that thing you do,” he says in short breaths, “where you act like you’re the big siblings who want to protectus.”
“What you did was wrong,” I say, my throat swollen. “And I am trying to protect you. I can’t changethat.”
“I know what I did was wrong!” Xander screams and chokes on his words. “And I hate myself for it. And what are you even trying to protect me from?” He inhales sharply. “Myself? You can’t protect me from myself. It’s up here.” He points to his head. “It’s in here.” He jabs his cell to his chest. “It’s bigger than you or me. And you should have just…” His voice cracks. “…you should have come to mefirst.Not a kid down the street. Fucking…” He puts his hands on his head and glares at the nightsky.
“I’m so sorry, Summers,” I say, my hand outstretched to him. He’s fighting tears that threaten to fall, and it hurts to watch. Hurts to speak, but I control everything for him. He doesn’t need me to scream and sob. “I should have confronted you.I should’ve, but it’s a heavy accusation. And I was fucking afraid. If you were supplying kids withdrugs—”
“I stopped,” Xander says, pained. “That’sover.” But he suddenly frowns, head hanging in a weighted thought. “You’re going to tell Dad.” It’s not aquestion.
“No,” I say. “You said it’s over. I believeyou.”
“But what if I don’t believe you,” he says and walks backwards towards the saloon. He grinds down on his teeth and rubs his forearm to his wateryeye.
