Page 155 of Burn Bright
Mom stakes a glare at the candlestick like it deserves to be trashed for causing Audrey physical harm, but in the back of my head, I just think,it had to be me.
Maybe she would’ve chosen a different outfit if I wasn’t here. Maybe she would’ve been sitting slightly to the left. Maybe this is happening because I brought pain into the world and it’s trying to bring pain to the ones I love.
Dumb.
Fucking dumb.
I didn’t cause this…but didn’t I? My mouth dries, and I’m in a slight daze when I’m back in my chair. The dining room is rotating, and I only come into focus when Audrey says, “Ben.”
Everyone is seated but Audrey now.
Everyone is staring at me.
I breathe through my nose, trying not to pass out.
“I love that you come to dinners every Wednesday,” she professes. “I know it’s for me.”
I nod. My throat swells. Words lodge too much to break free.
“I was just thinking that if I visited New York, it’d put less pressure on you coming here. Whatever stress this might cause?—”
“It doesn’t cause me stress, Audrey,” I cut her off. “I want to be here.”I want to make sure you don’t feel alone. I understand what it’s like being in this big house with barely any siblings. I can’t imagine what it feels like to have no one.
She rips off the burnt lace of her sleeve. “I heard from a source that you look happy in New York.”
I frown.A source.I only think of Harriet, who I’ve spent most of my time around. “What source?” I end up asking.
“A friend of a friend.” She smiles impishly. “One cannot reveal her sources.” It must be Easton or Xander who told Vada who told her.
“There’s no need for secrecy, sister.” Eliot puffs a plume of smoke.
“Yes, I’d like to see your list of sources,” Tom adds. “So we can properly vet them.”
“Make sure you aren’t conspiring with vermin,” Eliot says.
“Rats bring information and the plague.” Tom tosses his scepter again back to Eliot and another crystal breaks off and lands in the platter of cranberries.
“Enough,” Dad says calmly but directly, then asks Audrey, “Finished?”
“Oui.” At this, Audrey lowers in her chair, ending her opening remarks.
Looks like I’m last up. I down a giant swig of water, then stand. “As you all know, I tried out for the MVU hockey team. I’ve made it, and I’ve already declined. Coach Haddock was really understanding, and he said if I change my mind, he’d love to have me next season.” I raise my glass. “That’s it.” I’m about to sit.
“You don’t want to play?” my dad asks, freezing me in place.
“No.”
“Because?”
“I don’t love hockey anymore.” I sink slowly into my seat, measuring the depth of confusion that passes between my siblings and parents. Now I’m baffled. “Mom, last time I was concussed, youpleadedwith me to stay off the ice. You should be thrilled.”
Her lips purse. “I would be if you decided to quit to protect your brain that I love so very much and would easily murder for.”
I let out a befuddled laugh. “So my reasoning isn’t good enough. Why would I play a sport I hate?”
“Why do you hate it, Pippy?” Jane wonders.
I stare at the seitan on my plate. Unable to verbalize my feelings to the depth that I could with Harriet. Why are these sentiments so impossible to release? The thought of them knowing more speeds my pulse. “Can’t I fall out of love with something? Why is that a fucking crime?”
