Page 101 of Save You
Now he clenches his fists too.“I’m trying to do the right thing for both of us!”
“The right thing?”I can’t believe he just said that.“You think it’s right to dance with other women—while I watch on?”
“Do you think Ilikethis?Keeping away from you, acting like we never met?”he asks in disbelief.Then he clutches his hair, shakes his head.“It hurts like hell, Lydia, and it’s getting worse every day.”
“Well, that’s certainly not my fault!”I almost scream the words, and then bite my lip.I take a deep breath and remember the stuff Mum drummed into me about composure all my life.“I don’t call you,” I continue more quietly.“I don’t speak in your lessons.I don’t even bloody well look at you.So, if you’d be so good as to let me know what else I should be doing so as not to hurtyourfeelings…”
Graham shakes his head again.Then he takes a long stride toward me—and holds my face in his hands.
For a moment, it’s like I’ve been turned to stone.Then I push his arms away.He can’t touch me like that—if he does, it feels like the old days, and I can’t bear that for even a second.
“We can’t go on like this, Lydia,” he croaks.
“Like I just told you, I’ve stuck to my end of the deal.”
“Me too.But it’s going to break both of us.”
I feel my anger gradually ebbing away, leaving only pain.Pain that’s tearing me apart from the inside, so that I can’t breathe.
I wish I hadn’t pushed him away.And I wish I’d done it harder.
“It was just a dance,” Graham whispers.
All I do is nod.I long to look away, but I can’t.Graham and I—it’s been ages since we’ve been this close.I get the feeling that I have to breathe in every second before the moment is over and I’m left here on my own.
“Nothing has changed on my part, Lydia.”
I catch my breath.“What—what do you mean?”
Graham comes another step closer but doesn’t touch me.“I mean that you’re the first thought on my mind when I wake up.I think about you all day long.If I see something funny, you’re the first person I want to tell.I hear your voice in my ear when I fall asleep.For God’s sake, Lydia, I love you.I loved you from our first phone call.I will never stop loving you, even though I know there’s no chance for us.”
My heart is beating as fast as if I’d just run a marathon.I can’t believe he just said that.
“I’ll change schools.”
That tears me out of my stupor.I shake my head.“No.You can’t do that.You said yourself that Maxton Hall is the best thing that ever happened to you.That you’ll never find a better job.”
“I don’t care.I want to be able to be there for you again.I want to be able to walk into a café with you, to hold your hand.And I want my best friend back.If I have to take a worse job to get that, then I’ll be happy to.”
I shake my head again, confused by this sudden switch.“I…You can’t.Why suddenly now?”
“It’s not a spur-of-the-moment thing.Since my very first day here, I’ve been thinking about leaving.Every morning, I ask myself whether Maxton Hall is really worth us having lost each other.”
“But we—” I break off, unable to think straight.
“We decided it together.That’s why I didn’t say anything.I was afraid of pressuring you.But now…”
The tears flow faster and I can’t hold them back.I pinch my eyes together and a silent sob shakes me.This time, whenGraham touches me, I don’t stop him, just let my brow rest wearily against his chest and allow him to gently stroke my cheek.
“I’m so sorry that I can’t be there for you, Lydia,” he whispers.
The longing for him is almost unbearable at this moment.And so is my guilty conscience, because I still haven’t told him about the pregnancy, and my grief—not just for our relationship, but for our friendship.I dig my hand into his shirt and hold him tight.“I miss my mum.And I miss you.All the time.”
“I know.I’m so sorry.”He strokes me again.
His soft touch reminds me of the first time we met.Then we were nothing more than friends who’d met online, but he held me in this same way when a young woman in the café asked me about the newspaper headlines.I tried not to let anyone see how much her words had affected me, but Graham could tell at once, and he took me in his arms.He whispered into my ear that everything would be OK.Just like he’s doing now.
His soothing voice eases my pain, and as he runs his thumb over my wet cheek and assures me that we’ll get there, I sink into the dream for the moment, into the illusion he’s created.
