Page 118 of Save You
And as James cries in my arms, I realize that I’d gotten the situation totally wrong.
I’d thought that after what he’d done to me, I’d be able to put him right out of my life.I hoped to get over him as fast as possible.But now that I grasp what his pain is doing to me, I know that that’s not going to happen any time soon.
3
James
The walls are spinning.I don’t know which way’s up and which way’s down; all I can tell is that Ruby’s hands are there, keeping me semi-anchored in reality.She’s sitting on my bed, leaning her back on the headboard, and I’m half lying in her lap.One of her arms is wrapped tightly around me and she’s stroking my hair with her hand.I’m focused entirely on the warmth of her body, her even breath, and her touch.
I have no idea how many days have passed.There’s nothing but fog when I try to remember anything.Thick gray fog, and two thoughts that get through to me in every brief moment of clarity.
Firstly: My mum is dead.
Secondly: I kissed another girl in front of Ruby.
It doesn’t matter how much alcohol I down, or what else I take—I’ll never forget Ruby’s face at that moment.She looked so shocked and hurt.Like I’d destroyed her whole world.
I bury my face in Ruby’s side again.Partly because I’m afraid she’ll stand up and leave at any moment.And partly because I’mafraid the tears will be back any second now.But neither of those things happens.Ruby stays and, apparently, there’s no more liquid left inside me to get rid of.
I feel as though there’s nothing at all left inside me.Maybe my soul died along with my mother.How else could I have done that to Ruby?
HowdidI do that to Ruby?
What’s wrong with me?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
“James, you have to breathe,” Ruby whispers suddenly.
As she says that, I realize that I have actually stopped breathing.I’m not sure how long ago.
I inhale deeply and slowly let out the air again.There, that wasn’t so hard.
“What’s happening to me?”Whispering those words is so exhausting that afterward, it feels as though I’d shouted them.
Ruby’s hand pauses.“You’re grieving,” she replies, equally quietly.
“But why?”
Just before, I forgot to breathe—now my breath is coming way too fast.I sit up with a jerk.My rib cage hurts, and so do my limbs, which feel like I’ve been training too hard, even though I’ve spent the last few days doing nothing but suppressing the way my life is right now.
“What do you mean, ‘why’?”Her expression is warm, and I wonder how she’s able to look at me like that.
“I mean, why am I sad?I didn’t even like my mum very much.”
Even before I’ve finished speaking those words, I freeze.Did I really just say that?
Ruby reaches for my hand and holds it tight.“You’ve lost your mother.It’s normal to be knocked sideways when someone that important to you dies.”
She doesn’t sound as confident and sure of herself as usual.I don’t think Ruby actually knows how to act in a situation like this.But she’s here and doing her best, and that fact feels almost like a dream.
Maybe it is.
“What happened here?”she whispers suddenly, cautiously lifting my right hand.
I follow her gaze.My knuckles are still smeared with blood, and my skin is red and blue with bruises and grazes.
Maybe this isn’t a dream after all.Or if it is, it’s a highly lifelike one.
