Page 131 of Save You
Lydia watches Mum as she walks back to the counter to serve the next customer.Then she sighs softly, pulls the mug of hot chocolate closer, and wraps both hands around it.
“I always wanted to be a designer for Beaufort’s,” she says, answering my question after all.
“But surely you…”still can, I want to say, but one glance from Lydia is enough to cut me off.
She picks up her spoon and stirs the hot chocolate for a while.“Once upon a time, I dreamed of bringing my creativity to the firm, but Mum and Dad considered my ideas too modern, not traditional enough,” she goes on.“I kept getting into rows with them because I wanted a bigger role than they were planning for me.Unlike James, I really would like to take the company on.But for them, it was all about him.Ever since we were born.Regardless of what either of us wanted.”She pulls the spoon from the mug and slips it into her mouth.“Mm.”She sighs with delight.
“I hate how much pressure you were both put under.Still are.It must be so hard,” I mumble, turning my attention to my own drink.The warmth is doing me the world of good, and my cold fingers are gradually thawing out.
Lydia looks so sad and hopeless that I wish I could give her a hug.“Anyone looking at our family from the outside would get the impression that Mum and Dad love us more than anything, and just want the best for us.Wanted.Whatever.”She clears her throat.“I can’t complain about having grown up like that.I don’t have any right to.I don’t know how much James told you, but…there are things that just went wrong and can’t be put right again.”
I can’t help wondering if she means her father.And whether he only gets violent with James the minute he doesn’t get his own way, or if he’s rough with Lydia too.If so, then I’m even more worried for her.
“He only told me a few things,” I say evasively.
I know that Lydia knows him better than anyone else in the world, but I still can’t talk to her about the things he confided in me.Even after everything that’s happened, I couldn’t betray him like that.
“He’s doing better, by the way.He’s stopped drinking since the funeral.Now he’s working out obsessively instead.”
I remember the blank look in his eyes.James’s tears.The way he clung on to me.The cuts and bruises on his hand.
“And things between him and your dad…?”I ask cautiously.
“You know they had a fight?”
I nod.
“Dad acts like nothing ever happened.He’s practically never at home, and when he is there, he orders James into his office to brief him for Beaufort board meetings.”
On the one hand, I’m glad that James’s relationship with his father hasn’t escalated any further, but on the other hand, I know what James feels about the company and what a weight it must be on his shoulders to work for the firm.I’m so sorry for him, especially seeing that that’s all kicked in sooner than he was expecting.
“I hope you two can get through this, Ruby.”
I look into Lydia’s turquoise eyes.Her eyes that look exactly the same as James’s.
Wearily, I shake my head.“I don’t think we can.To be honest, I don’t even want to.”
It’s the first time I’ve said that aloud.But it’s the truth.I don’t think you can ever just get over a thing like this.Everything James and I have gone though.And I really don’t want to.Especially not when I think about everything I’m going to face in the future.It feels like there’s a shadow lying over all my dreams, and only because I confided them in James, and then he hurt me so badly.
“You could try,” Lydia suggests gently, but I shake my head again.
“I understand that the news about your mum knocked him sideways, but…” I shrug helplessly.“That doesn’t change anything.I hate him for what he did.”
“But you were still there when he needed you.That has to mean something, doesn’t it?”
I stir my hot chocolate and take a deep breath.“I still have feelings for him, yes.But at the same time, I’ve never been this angry with anyone in my whole life.And I don’t think that anger is just going away.”
Neither of us speaks.The oven seems to be beeping louder now than a few minutes ago, and the bell over the door and the coming and going of other customers are louder too.
“Would it have been better if I’d gone to my appointment on my own?”Lydia asks out of the blue.
My head snaps up.“No!”
There’s a blush on Lydia’s cheeks and she suddenly looks almost shy.I wonder what’s going on in her head right now.
“If I’d known how you were feeling, I’d never have taken you up on your offer.I—”
“Lydia,” I interrupt her in a gentle voice, reaching across the table to take her hand.Her eyes widen and she stares at our interlinked fingers.“I meant what I said to you.I’d like to be there for you.Our friendship has nothing to do with James.OK?”
