Page 141 of Save You
Lydia is sitting on her bed fidgeting about with the pillow in her lap.I’m trying for the hundredth time to sneak an unobtrusive look at her belly.After half an hour walking up and down in my bedroom, trying to get my pulse under control, I’m now slumped on one of the sofas in hers.
I’m trying to find the right words, but my thoughts are whirling, so messed up that I can’t even get one sentence out.
How?
How the hell are we meant to look after a baby?
How can we keep it a secret from Dad?
How can you take a baby with you to Oxford?
“I didn’t want you to find out this way.”
I look up.There’s no mistaking how tense Lydia is.Her cheeks are flushed; her shoulders are stiff as a board.
“I…I don’t know what to say.”
I feel so utterly stupid.At the same time, I’m realizing how egoistic I’ve been in the last few weeks.I’ve spent the whole time bemoaning my own fate, my loss, my guilty conscience, my brokenheart, when the whole time, my sister knew that she was pregnant and thought she couldn’t tell me.Of course there are things we keep from each other, but not something like this.Not a thing this huge and life-changing.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Lydia whispers.
I shake my head.“I’m sor—”
“No,” she interrupts.“I don’t want sympathy, James.Not from you.”
I dig my fingers into the armrest to stop myself from jumping up again and marching around the room.The fabric crunches under my unyielding grip.
The chasm that opened between Lydia and me when I hurled those unforgivable words at her feels unbridgeable.I’m not sure what I can ask her and what I can’t.Plus, I know absolutely nothing about pregnancy.
I shut my eyes and rub my hands over my face.My limbs feel tired, like I’ve aged from eighteen to eighty in a few hours.
In the end I clear my throat.“How did you find out?”
Lydia looks up in surprise.She hesitates for a moment, then starts to tell me.“My…uh…cycle is never very regular anyway, so at first, I didn’t think anything of it when my period was late.But after a while, I got suspicious because I was feeling really weird too.In general.”She shrugs.“So I bought a test.When we were in London.I did it in a restaurant loo and nearly fainted when it was positive.”
I look at her, shaking my head.“When was that?”
“In November.”
I gulp hard.Two months ago.Lydia’s been keeping this secret for two months, probably shit-scared, and feeling totally alone.The news has really knocked me for six, so how must she havebeen feeling all these weeks?On top of everything else that’s happened.
Suddenly, the thing I want most in the world is to overcome the distance between us.“I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you.”
“I…I’ve never felt so alone.Not even after the business with Gregg.I never thought that being with Graham could ever be worse than that.”
“Does he know?”I ask cautiously.
“No.”
Lydia is clearly trying not to break down, but I can see how hopeless she feels.She must have spent the last two months constantly pulling herself together, constantly focused on keeping her secret and never showing anyone her real feelings.I hate myself for having left her in the lurch like this.All I’ve thought about has been myself.
That’s over now.I have no idea what lies ahead of Lydia in the next few months.But at this second, I’m one hundred percent clear that she’s not going through them alone.
I take a deep breath and stand up.
As I sit next to her on the bed, I push everything aside—the grief, the pain, the rage I’ve been feeling.Cautiously, I reach for her hand.
“You’re not alone,” I assure her.
