Page 151 of Save You
He sounds tired and broken.Sad and shattered.Like something’s happened from which there’s no going back.
It’s clear that he can’t be on his own right now.But at the same time, I’m annoyed that he’s here.I’m the last person he should come to if he’s got problems.Why does he have to wreck this moment for me?I’ve just got an offer from Oxford, for God’s sake.I should be dancing around the house, not letting his pain get me down like this.The thing between us is over—heended it.And we shouldn’t be taking two steps back, desperately clinging on to something that no longer exists.
“You can’t go on like what?”
“I’ve just been at a Beaufort’s board meeting.Lydia’s pregnant.And I got into Oxford.I…I’m fucked up right now.”
James’s chest is rising and falling frantically, like he’s been running a marathon.And it probably feels that way to him.I know how much he hates the pressure his dad puts on him, and just at the moment, it looks like he’s about to buckle beneath it.
I take a deep breath.“I get how bad that must be for you.But…I’m not the person you should turn to when you’re down,” I reply as gently as possible.
He hurries up the steps to the front door, until he’s standing right in front of me.His eyes are dark; his expression is desperate.I’ve never seen him like this.
“I can’t keep away from you any longer.You’re the only person who truly understands me.I need you.And I’m going to fight for us, because I’m yours.I’ll always be yours, Ruby.”
I grip on to the doorframe and stare at him in total disbelief.My body is flooded with hope, pain, and rage all at once, a chaotic blend that sets my heart racing and my thoughts whirling wildly.
I can’t believe he just said that.
I can’t believe he’s trying again, having another go at knocking my life off course.
Suddenly, I’m furious.How dare he rejoin the events committee?How dare he wreck this moment for me?
“No,” I say with an effort, shaking my head.“No.”
“Please, Ruby, I—”
“Do you know whatIneed, James?”I interrupt him.“I need peace.I need time for myself, to get over you.I really wish for you to be happy one day, and that you won’t let your dad run your life for you.But I can’t help you with that.”
He shakes his head.“I feel better when you’re with me.Then I am just…happy.”
“It’s not my fucking job to make you happy!”I scream.
James flinches and takes a step back.He slips off the top step, and for a moment it looks like he’s going to lose his balance, but he catches himself at the last second.He stares at me and the unspeakable shock in his eyes takes my breath away.
“James,” I croak.
He shakes his head.“No, you’re right.I…I shouldn’t have come here.”
Without another word, he turns away and walks down the steps.He hastily crosses our front garden until he reaches the low wooden gate.He opens it, steps through, and then looks back at me again.His eyes are glassy, like they’re full of tears, but I can’t tell if that’s because of what I said, or just the cutting wind.Before I can say anything, he turns and leaves.
James
The bright lights of the club dance to the beat over my friends’ faces and the bass thumps in my ears, shaking my whole body.
I’m sitting in the lounge on one of the comfy sofas, watching Alistair, Kesh, and Cyril as they dance with a group of girls, not far from me.Wren is sitting out too.I think the lads took one look at my face and decided that they couldn’t leave me on my own this evening.Like I’m a little kid, for fuck’s sake.
“You OK, bro?”Wren yells suddenly in my ear.
I raise an eyebrow.Normally, Wren would be the last person to talk about emotions.Seriously.We’ve both spent years perfecting the art of bottling up our problems.It’s one of the reasons we’re best mates.
“Don’t give me that look.I’m just worried about you.”
I can hardly hear what he’s saying, but his expression speaks louder than words anyway.The moment I set foot in this club, everyone clocked that something must have happened.Cyril handed me a G&T without a word, but even now, a good hourlater, I haven’t touched it.I could down it in one.The urge is strong.Maybe that would finally drown out Ruby’s words, which have been playing in my head on a constant loop.
It’s not my fucking job to make you happy!
I understand why she’s angry—she has every right to yell at me.Driving over to hers was a knee-jerk reaction that I can’t explain, looking back at it.
