Page 155 of Save You
Her last words sound so revolted that I have to grin.
“Have you ever talked about it?Properly, I mean?”I ask gently.
She shakes her head and goes bright red.“Cyril and I never spend much time talking when we see each other.”
Oh wow.
“We’ve been friends for so long and I had no idea.I feel like a really bad best friend right now.”
“You’re a great friend.I just didn’t want to tell anyone because…oh, God knows.There was something exciting about keeping it a secret.But now that the whole thing’s clearly over as far as he’s concerned, it’s killing me.”She sighs deeply.“We’re both exactly the same, Ruby.Neither of us wanted to get into anything serious before Oxford.”
One of the many things that Lin and I have in common.
“And now both James and Cyril have got offers too,” I mumble.
“Yeah.”
For a moment we’re quiet, each lost in our own thoughts.When I moved to Maxton Hall, I lost all my friends from my old school.After that, I decided that I’d keep all my friendships really superficial.I didn’t want to put my energy into anything that wasn’t going to last.
But that changed when I met Lin.OK, so I’m still scared that this might be another temporary thing, but I’m prepared to take that risk—this conversation now is showing me that again.
I take Lin’s hand and give it a gentle squeeze.“You can always talk to me, Lin.Always.I want you to know that.”
I’ve never said that to her before, and I find it surprisingly hard to get those words through my lips.Not because I don’t mean them, but because they mean so much to me.
“Thanks.You can too,” Lin says, her voice husky with emotion.She turns her hands so that we can link our fingers together.“I mean that.You can talk to me about James anytime.Or about anything else.”
I chew the inside of my cheek and think about the moment this afternoon when James was standing on the doorstep, telling me all that stuff.
I’ll always be yours, Ruby.
His words made the ground wobble beneath my feet.He looked so determined, like nothing in his life mattered more than winning me back.
“James was here this afternoon,” I begin after a while.
Lin keeps holding on to my hand as she looks inquiringly at me.“What did he want?”
I shrug my shoulders.“He said that he needs me.That I’m the only person who understands him.And that he could be happy with me.”
Lin takes a sharp breath.“And?”
I shrug again.
I meant what I said to him.It’s not my job to make James happy.Even so, I regret yelling it at him like that.He was clearly struggling, and I’m probably the only person who gets why.When we were in Oxford, he told me that he’d never told anyone about his fears of the future, and I can imagine how he must have been feeling after the Beaufort board meeting and getting into St.Hilda’s.But…we split up.He can’t put all that on me.I can’t be the only thing that gives his life meaning.That’s not what a relationship is meant to be about.
“I want to be there for him, but at the same time, I don’t know if I can,” I whisper.
“I get that,” Lin replies.“But…I also see the way he looks at you in team meetings.I think he really does want to win you back.”
I shake my head.“That’s what he wants rightnow.James is so fickle—in another two weeks, I’ll bet something else will happen to shake up his life, and then he’ll vanish or freak out or do something else to sabotage us, and I’m not having it.I’m not going to let him hurt me like that again.”
I blurt out the last words so fiercely that Lin looks at me in surprise.
“That’s just what I admire about you.”
I blink in confusion.“What is?”
She smiles slightly at me.“I could see exactly how the thing with James messed you up.How much you suffered for him andhis family.You were there for him after he hurt you so badly—and now you’re staying strong and focusing on yourself.I think that’s amazing.”
