Page 210 of Save You
For the first time since I met him, he seems to have faith in his own happiness.And that makes me very happy too.
28
Lydia
I wish I hadn’t come.I should have listened to my gut and not let them convince me.I knew it wouldn’t be easy for me to see Graham.But I never expected this.
Just now, when he was dancing with Pippa, when he put his arm around her like it was so ordinary, when she smiled at him and he smiled back, when the distance between their faces was shrinking more and more—I just couldn’t bear it.It was too much.
And even now, in the empty corridor, with no music and no people around me, my heart won’t stop racing.I feel sick and my hands are clammy.Dots are dancing before my eyes.My blood pressure must be way high.At once, I lay a hand on my bump, like that will tell me anything about whether the twins are OK.
“Lydia?”
I lower my hand and turn around.
Graham is standing just a few feet from me, his jacket unbuttoned, his eyebrows narrowing pensively.
“What?”I snap.Oh, how sick I am of pretending to everyone that everything in my life is fine.Nothing is fine.Least of all now, with him facing me.He ran after me when I thought he hadn’t even seen me.And he’s looking at me like he knows what’s going on inside me—the way he always used to.
I can’t look away.The pressure that has been building up inside me has got to the point that I can’t hold it in anymore.
“Did you have fun?”
His expression darkens and his frown deepens.“It was just one dance, Lydia.”
I snort disdainfully.“What I saw in there was a lot more than just ‘dancing.’ ”
We’ve never argued before and now I know why.It feels shit, and snarling at him like this isn’t even liberating.
“She asked me, and turning her down would have looked weird.People are already gossiping about me as it is.”
I laugh.“So, you were on the verge of making out with my tutor in the middle of the dance floor to stop people wondering if you’re seeing someone?”
The words emerge from my mouth louder than I intended, and Graham glances anxiously over his shoulder.
“I hate this, Graham,” I say.My voice is cold yet trembling.I’ve never heard myself speak like this before.“I hate that you can’t even speak three words to me without looking all around you in panic.”I clench my fists and put all my strength into fighting the stinging at the backs of my eyes.
“Do you think I’m enjoying it?”he retorts suddenly.
I can only snort again.
Now he clenches his fists too.“I’m trying to do the right thing for both of us!”
“The right thing?”I can’t believe he just said that.“You think it’s right to dance with other women—while I watch on?”
“Do you think Ilikethis?Keeping away from you, acting like we never met?”he asks in disbelief.Then he clutches his hair, shakes his head.“It hurts like hell, Lydia, and it’s getting worse every day.”
“Well, that’s certainly not my fault!”I almost scream the words, and then bite my lip.I take a deep breath and remember the stuff Mum drummed into me about composure all my life.“I don’t call you,” I continue more quietly.“I don’t speak in your lessons.I don’t even bloody well look at you.So, if you’d be so good as to let me know what else I should be doing so as not to hurtyourfeelings…”
Graham shakes his head again.Then he takes a long stride toward me—and holds my face in his hands.
For a moment, it’s like I’ve been turned to stone.Then I push his arms away.He can’t touch me like that—if he does, it feels like the old days, and I can’t bear that for even a second.
“We can’t go on like this, Lydia,” he croaks.
“Like I just told you, I’ve stuck to my end of the deal.”
“Me too.But it’s going to break both of us.”
