Page 75 of Save You
He gulps hard.“Without my mum.”
I press his hand to encourage him to go on.And he does.
James starts to tell me about the last two months.Faltering at first, then a bit more smoothly as the words flood out.He tells me about the guilty feelings toward his mother, because he feels like he’s not grieving properly.About being afraid for Lydia, the fear that’s with him when he wakes up and when he goes to sleep.About the Beaufort meetings where it feels like his soul isn’t part of his body and he’s watching everything like an outsider.He tells me that his father won’t let him or Lydia visit their aunt Ophelia.That Lydia really wants to find a private midwife, but she’s scared of revealing her secret.And that he feels bad about letting his friends down recently.
We sit in my room all day, talking.Not just about James’s family.About all kinds of things.School, Ember’s blog, my chatwith Alice Campbell last night, which I still haven’t processed properly.
Just before five, Dad calls my phone.He prefers that to yelling across the house like Mum does, or sending Ember up to my room.
“Dinner’s ready,” I say.
Hand in hand, we walk to the door.I’m about to open it when James pulls me back again.He hugs me and holds me tight for a moment.
“Thanks,” he whispers, right into my ear.
I don’t have to ask for what.
22
James
Mr.Bell’s Bolognese is amazing.
The spaghetti is al dente and the sauce is so perfectly balanced with herbs, tomatoes, garlic, and a dash of red wine that I absolutely can’t help the little appreciative sound I make as it crosses my lips.
Once I’ve tasted my first mouthful, there are four pairs of eyes fixed on me.Ruby’s whole family is staring at me.Mr.Bell’s expression is making me particularly nervous.Since I got the cutlery the wrong way round when laying the table, he’s had his eye on me, like he’s just waiting for me to make my next mistake and prove that I’m not good enough for his daughter.And of course, I know which way round to put the knives and forks!At business dinners at home there can be a whole array of the things, a set for each course.I’m not stupid, just a bag of nerves.
I clear my throat, sit up straight, and say with utter conviction, “This is the best Bolognese I’ve ever tasted.”
Ruby’s mother smiles at me.Ember mumbles something under her breath that sounds like “creep.”But at least Mr.Bell’ssmile is a little friendlier now.I realize that both Ruby and Ember have his eyes—not just the color, but the intensity of their gaze.
“James,” says Mrs.Bell—Helen, I correct myself mentally—just as I’ve put another forkful of pasta in my mouth.“What are your plans for when you leave school?”
At once, I stiffen.But I see Ruby look expectantly at me, which reminds me that these people are her family and I don’t have to fake it with them.
“I’ve got an offer from Oxford,” I reply hesitantly, without the usual steel in my voice.“And I’m already on the board of Beaufort’s.”
“Have you always wanted to do that?”Helen persists.
OK.I might not have to fake it with them, but at the same time, I can’t lay my entire inner life bare to these virtual strangers.I just can’t.So I chew my spaghetti slowly and pretend that I’m thinking my answer over.
“Ruby knew that she wanted to go to Oxford so young.Sometimes I wonder if everyone at Maxton Hall is as ambitious as her,” she adds, smiling at her daughter, who is sitting to my right, squirming uneasily in her chair.
I swallow and take a sip of water.“No, not everyone is like Ruby, I can assure you of that.”
“What’s that meant to mean?”Ruby inquires, outraged.
“I don’t know anyone else who’s as desperate to go to Oxford as you.My friends and I have put the work in, but I’m sure nobody else is as dedicated as you.”I wonder for a moment if that sounds like I’m trying to suck up to her family by praising Ruby in front of everyone.“But maybe I’m biased.”
That makes them all laugh.Like they found that genuinelyfunny.I frown.I meant every word I said.I didn’t expect them to be amused by it.I feel an unfamiliar emotion in my chest, and take another forkful of pasta to suppress it.
After dinner, I help to clear the table.I’d never do that at home—that’s why we have staff—but here, everyone gets to work so automatically that I don’t hesitate a second.
Besides, I really do want Ruby’s parents to like me.
I totally understand them being dubious about me.I would too in their shoes.
“Will you two join us in the living room for a bit?”Helen asks once it’s done.“Or do you have to get home, James?”
