Page 119 of Save You
“I punched my dad.”The words come out of my mouth entirely neutrally.I don’t feel a thing as I say them.Something else that’s wrong with me.Any halfway normal human being knows not to hit their parents.But that moment, when my father gave Lydia and me the news of Mum’s death—so emotionless and cold—was the moment when I couldn’t take it anymore.
Ruby lifts my hand to her lips and kisses the back of it gently.My heart starts to beat faster and trembling floods my body.Her touch is doing me good, even though her tenderness is killing me.Everything about it feels so wrong and yet so right.
From when I was a little kid, my parents taught me never to show my emotions because doing so allows other people to get to know you, and—up to a point—to get the measure of you.The moment you show weakness, you make yourself vulnerable, and at the top of a big business, you can’t afford that.But they never prepared me for a situation like this.What do you do when youlose your mother at eighteen?For me, there was only one answer: Try to drown the truth in alcohol and drugs, and act like nothing even happened.
But now that Ruby’s with me, I’m not sure I can go on like that.I let my eyes roam over her face, over her slightly messed-up hair, and down to her throat.I still remember exactly what it was like to press my lips onto her soft skin there.How overwhelming it felt to hold her.To be inside her.
Now she looks just as sad as I feel.I don’t know if she’s thinking about my mum, or only about how much I hurt her.
But there’s one thing I know for certain: Ruby didn’t deserve to be treated like that.She’s always given me the feeling that I can achieve anything.And whatever might have happened…I should never have let Elaine kiss me just to prove to myself and everyone else that I’m a coldhearted arsehole, incapable of feeling a thing, even the death of my own mother.Pushing Ruby away like that was cowardly.And it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life.
“I’m sorry,” I say hoarsely.My throat feels rusty, and it’s a major effort to speak.“I’m so sorry for what I did.”
Ruby’s whole body stiffens.Minutes go by in which she doesn’t react.I think she’s even stopped breathing.
“Ruby…”
She just shakes her head.“Don’t.That’s not why I’m here.”
“I know how badly I fucked up, I—”
“James, stop it,” she whispers fiercely.
“I know you have no reason to forgive me.But I…”
Ruby’s hand shakes as she pulls it away from mine.Then she gets up from the bed.She smooths out her jumper, then flattens down her fringe.It’s like she wants to re-create her neat and tidyappearance—the version of her that I didn’t even notice for two years.But too much has happened between us.There’s nothing that could make her invisible to me again now.
“I can’t do this now, James,” she mumbles.“I’m sorry.”
The next moment, she walks across my room.She doesn’t even turn back to me, doesn’t look at me as she goes through the door and shuts it quietly behind her.
I clench my teeth together hard as the stinging behind my eyes returns and my shoulders start to shake again.
I don’t know how long I lie in my bed, staring at the wall, but eventually, I pull myself together and go downstairs.It’s been dark outside for ages, and I wonder if the lads are even still here.From just outside the sitting room, I can hear their quiet voices.The door’s slightly open, and I pause with my hand on the handle.
“This is getting out of hand,” Alistair murmurs.“If he keeps on like this, he’s going to drink himself into a coma.I don’t get why he won’t talk to us.”
“I wouldn’t want to talk if I were him.”Keshav.It doesn’t surprise me that he’s the one who said that.
“But you know your limits.I’m not sure that James does anymore.”
“We shouldn’t have let it get this far,” Wren says.“Until yesterday, I genuinely thought he was just celebrating Oxford.”
There’s a moment of silence, then Wren goes on, his voice quiet.“If he doesn’t want to talk about it, we have to accept that.”
Alistair snorts.“And keep watching on as he fucks himself up?No way.”
“You can take the drugs and booze off him,” Wren mumbles,“but his mum died.And as long as he won’t face up to it, there’s nothing we can do, however shit that feels.”
An icy shiver runs down my spine.They know.The idea of having to look into their sympathetic faces in a moment turns my stomach.I don’t want that.I want this all to be like the old days.But if Ruby’s visit has shown me one thing, it’s that it’s time to face reality.
So I let my neck click, circle my aching shoulders, and walk into the sitting room.
Alistair is about to reply but presses his lips together as he spots me.I head straight for the drinks trolley and pick up a bottle of whisky.There’s no way I’ll get through what I’ve got to do next sober.I pour a shot and down it in one.I put the glass down and turn to the lads.Everyone but Cyril is here.Alistair is swirling the last of his drink around his glass and keeping his gaze fixed on the floor.Kesh is watching me, his dark eyes expectant, and so is Wren.Although they already know, it feels important to say the words out loud.
“My mum is dead.”
It’s the first time I’ve said it.
