Page 137 of Save You
I’ve never found it harder to know the right thing to say than I do in this second.I feel like I’ve forgotten how to put a coherent sentence together.After I’ve spent so long thinking about everything I want to say to Ruby, there’s now a black hole in my head, getting bigger with every moment we spend sitting opposite each other in silence.All I can do is look at her.I’m overwhelmed by the longing to sit next to her.But I resist it and pull my desk chair over to the sofa so that I can sit opposite her and we can see each other.
“We were writing our resolutions earlier,” she says eventually.
I wait for her to go on.
“And I realized that there is still so much that hasn’t been resolved between us.I can’t feel good about going into the new year like this.”
My pulse starts racing.I definitely wasn’t prepared for that.I clear my throat.“OK.”
Ruby lowers her gaze to the jumper in her lap.She strokes the soft fabric absentmindedly.Then she takes it in her hand and lays it on the little round table between us.
She looks up and our eyes meet.I can make out all kinds of emotions in her face: Sorrow.Pain.And, last but not least, a spark of anger that grows bigger the longer her eyes rest on me.
“I’m just so disappointed in you, James,” she whispers suddenly.
My chest clenches painfully.“I know,” I whisper back.
She shakes her head.“No.You don’t know what that felt like.You bloody ripped my heart out.And Ihateyou for that.”
“I know,” I repeat, my voice husky.
Ruby takes a deep breath.“But I love you too, and that’s making the whole thing way harder.”
“I…” It takes a few seconds before I realize what she just said.I stare speechlessly at her.
But Ruby’s still talking, as though her words hadn’t meant a thing.“I don’t think it would ever have worked out between us.It was nice, even though we only had such a short time together, but now I have to—”
“You love me?”I whisper back.
Ruby jumps.Then she sits bolt upright.“That doesn’t change anything.The way you treated me…You kissed another girl, the day after we slept together.”
“I’m so sorry, Ruby,” I say insistently, even though I know my words aren’t enough.
“And it doesn’t change my resolution to start the coming year without you,” Ruby continues.
The pain her words cause me takes my breath right away.I know Ruby.Once she’s set herself a goal, she pursues it and won’t let anyone steer her off course.She’s here to finish things with me.
“That’ll never…I’d never do anything like that again,” I gasp breathlessly.
“I very much hope so, for your next girlfriend’s sake.”
I sense panic rising within me.“There won’t be another, for God’s sake!”
She just shakes her head.“It would never have worked out, James.Let’s be honest.”
“Why would you say that?”My voice is shaking with despair.“Of course it would.”
Ruby stands up and strokes her hands down her checked skirt a few times.“I have to go home; my parents will be waiting.”She goes to the door, and the knowledge that I can’t stop her is almost killing me.I stare at her, unable to move.The moment feels like a final goodbye, and I’m not ready for that.“I need a clean ending.Can you understand that?”she asks, looking back over her shoulder, her hand on the door handle.
I nod, though every part of my body is screaming the exact opposite.“Yes, I understand that.”
Ruby has given me so many chances already.I know I have no right to another.
“I…Happy New Year, James.”The pain that’s paralyzing my body is reflected in Ruby’s eyes.
“Ruby, please…” I force the words out.
But she opens the door and leaves.
