Page 152 of Save You
I hate this situation.I hate that I went to Cyril and not her that Wednesday, and not a single day goes by when I don’t wish for a time machine to make it all unhappen.Because I could have talked to Ruby, when my friends and I have always had the motto “oblivion at all costs.”
I turn away from Wren and stare at my glass.The pounding music isn’t enough to shut down my thoughts and I wrestle with myself for a moment.I look over to the others.Cyril and Alistair are dancing with a couple of girls, while Kesh is leaning against the wall beside them, sipping his drink.For a moment I wonder about getting up and joining them, but it feels as though there are lead weights hanging from my body.It takes me almost every ounce of strength I possess to lean forward and put my glass down untouched on the low wooden table in front of me.
“My whole fucking life is a wreck,” I say in the end.I don’t know if Wren heard.The music is deafening and he’s several drinks in.But his dark brown eyes watch me closely as I continue.“And there’s nothing I can do about it.”
Apparently he did hear, because he leans in a little, grabs my shoulder, and gives it a squeeze for a second.“You’ll do what you’ve done all your life, bro.”
“What’s that?”
Wren’s mouth twitches into a grim smile.“You’ll keep ongoing.If there’s one thing I’ve learned from you in the last few years, it’s that.”
I gulp hard.
“Anytime I’m close to giving up, I remember that.It’s really helped me lately,” he adds.
Again, my eyes rest on the full glass of gin and tonic.What does “keep on going” mean in this case?Forget Ruby and act like none of this ever happened?Or fight for her?
“I know you’re going through a lot at the moment, but it’s your turn to ask me what’s been up with me lately,” he says.
Wren’s words make me look up.“What?”I ask, confused.
He frowns back at me.After a while, he breathes out hard and rubs the back of his neck.“Doesn’t matter.Forget it.”He stands up and nods toward the dance floor, toward our friends, who are bathed in blue and purple light.Their movements are relaxed, like they haven’t a care in the world.
As long as I can remember, that’s been our specialty.Acting like we don’t give a damn about anything or anybody.Like life’s just a game where nothing matters, nothing lasts.Over the last few weeks, I’ve realized that we’ve been under an illusion.Everyone is vulnerable; everyone has something to lose.
I shake my head, but Wren doesn’t take no for an answer.He grabs my hand, pulls me up off the sofa and onto the dance floor.The boys cheer as they see us and open up their circle so that we can join them.I spend a while trying to move to the beat, but it’s not working.
I’m about to apologize to the others and tell them that I’m leaving when someone dances up to me and wraps an arm around my waist.I turn around with a frown—and find myself looking into Elaine Ellington’s face.
“James!”she screams over the music, smiling at me.Her honey-blond waves frame her flushed face.As fast as I can, I push her arm away and leave the dance floor to head back to our lounge.When I get there, I feel strangely out of breath.I order a water and drop onto the sofa.
The sight of Elaine felt like a punch in the guts.I carry the memory of the evening in Cyril’s pool around with me twenty-four seven at the best of times, and in that instant, it was so fresh that I felt a wave of nausea wash over me.
But I’d reckoned without Elaine.After a while, she comes over and sits down beside me, one leg crossed over the other.
“That’s not a very nice way to say hello,” she says, running her hand through her hair.Her eyes sparkle with amusement.She’s sitting so close to me that we’re almost touching.She budges a fraction closer.My whole body freezes as the scent of her perfume reaches my nose.
“I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about what happened to your mum.If you ever want to talk or anything—I’m always here for you.”She puts her hand on my leg and runs it slowly up the fabric of my trousers.
“Elaine, stop it,” I say firmly, pushing her hand away.I shift to the side and look seriously at her.
“Did I do something wrong?”she asks in surprise.
I shake my head.“No.I’m the one who got everything wrong,” I reply.
Elaine raises an eyebrow.“What’s the matter?”
I shrug my shoulders but don’t speak.
For a moment she just looks at me, then she shakes her head.“Yeah, you’ve been better.”
“Sorry,” I say.“But I can’t do this anymore.”
She slides away from me a little.“Pity,” she says, standing up.“We’ve always had fun together.”
She pauses there for a moment, as if she’s waiting for me to stop her from leaving.When I don’t move, just stare straight ahead, she walks back to the dance floor without another word.
I let myself sink back into the sofa and stare up at the ceiling.I’ve never noticed the little lights up there before, which are presumably meant to look like stars.I find my hand reaching into my pocket to pull out my wallet.Shakily, I open it and take hold of the slip of paper hidden behind my driving license.I’ve avoided looking at the list in the last few weeks, for fear that it would make me feel even shittier than I already do.I hold it up so that the little ceiling lights are almost shining through the paper.Point by point, I read through what Ruby and I wrote together.I swallow hard and notice how rough my throat feels all of a sudden.
