Page 23 of Save You
I remember Ruby’s message:
I can’t.
Of course she can’t.I kissed another girl, and that’s unforgivable.I’ve lost Ruby forever.And Lydia waltzing in here and trying to convince me of the opposite is the last straw.I wanted to switch off and distract myself, but that’s not possible anymore.Slowly but surely, the rage crawls back into my body.Rage at Mum’s death, rage at my father, rage at myself—and the whole world.
“What’s it to you?”I ask.My fingers clutch at the towel.
“You both matter to me.I don’t like seeing either of you miserable, for fuck’s sake.Is that so hard to understand?”
“Ruby doesn’t want me back, and there’s no way I’m going to force it.I don’t want you intruding on her either.”I stand up, intending to head over to the two treadmills set up in front of a huge panoramic window that looks out onto our gardens.But I don’t get far.Lydia pulls me back by the elbow.I spin around, glaring angrily at her.
“Don’t look at me like that.It’s time you got your shit together,” she snarls.Then she jabs a finger into my chest.“You can’t push everyone and everything away forever.”
“I’m not pushingyouaway,” I mutter through clenched teeth.
“James…”
I try to summon up the mask of inapproachability that was always my second face at school and official meetings with my family.But this is Lydia in front of me.I’ve never had to hide anything from her and so I just can’t do it.Frustrated, I throw the towel down to one side.
“What do you want me to say, Lydia?”I ask feebly.
“That we’ll get through this together.You and me.Like always.”She swallows and touches me gently on the arm.“But if you can’t be honest with me, and keep hiding away like this, then that won’t work.”
I snort in disgust.“You’re acting like you always tell me everything, likeyou’rethe open one out of the two of us.I’ve always had to squeeze everything out of you.I only found out about your affair with Sutton because you got caught.”I push her hand away and stare coldly into her eyes.“Just because Mum died, it doesn’t mean that it has to be us two against the world from now on.Don’t make us into something we never were, Lydia.”
She flinches and stumbles back.Without deigning to look at her again, I turn and shove my earbuds back in.If my sister says anything else, I don’t hear it.The loud guitar riff drowns out the ugly reality of my world.
9
Ruby
The memory of James is so strong that, even after weeks of no contact, everything still feels like it happened only yesterday.I’m sleeping badly.I delete his photos from my laptop, only to download them again a day later, and run my fingers over his smiling mouth like a psychopath.At the same time, I feel like a liar because I told Lydia that I don’t want him back, when my body is clearly not of the same opinion.
I miss James.
It’s absurd.
Absurd and insane.
And I could slap myself for it.He broke my heart, for God’s sake.I really shouldn’t miss a person who does a thing like that.
Christmas comes and goes and, for the first time in my life, I can’t enjoy it.The films we watch seem dull and all the songs we listen to sound the same.I know that Mum and Dad have been cooking flat-out, but the food tastes bland.And to top it all off, my relatives keep asking me why I’m so down and whether it hasanything to do with the boy who gave me that lovely bag for my birthday.After a while, I can’t take any more of it and crawl off to my bedroom alone.
Once we get to the end of the year, I decide that I can’t go on like this a minute longer.I’m sick of feeling like this.I’ve always been a positive person who looks forward to new beginnings.I refuse to let James take that mindset away from me.
So I jump up and have a shower, dress in one of my favorite outfits—a tight tartan skirt and a flowy cream blouse—grab my new bullet journal, and go downstairs, firmly resolved to announce my New Year’s resolutions to Ember and our parents.
But as I walk into the living room, I stop in my tracks.
“What are you doing here?”I ask in surprise.
Startled, Ember whirls around to face me, and so does Lin, who was in the middle of slipping colorful mini umbrellas into an array of glasses.Lydia pauses in mid-movement too, but the streamer in her hand takes on a life of its own and unrolls itself.We watch in silence as it ends up in a sad little heap on the floor.
Then Ember plants herself crossly in front of me.“Why did you pick today of all days to emerge from your shell?”she snaps.“We’ve been able to set our watches by the times you come out of your room, but now—right when I’ve been planning a surprise girls’ night for you—you have to come down early.That’s just…bloody hell, Ruby!”
I look at each of them in turn.Then a slow smile spreads over my lips.
“We’re seeing the new year in together?”I ask cautiously.
