Page 48 of Save You
I miss his old smile.
I push that thought down as I pull up in front of James.If today is going to be even moderately successful, I have to get myself together.
“Morning,” he says, dropping into the passenger seat of our people carrier.It’s an old car and kind of beaten-up, but it goes, which is the main thing.Luckily, Ember and I cleaned ityesterday evening, because I’m now realizing that there’s something weirdly intimate about the way James is looking around.
His eyes rest on the Yankee Candle scent tree dangling from the rearview mirror as I start the engine again.
“My mum loves those things,” I explain.“She adores floral scents and that really winds my sister up.Ember hates the smell of roses and Mum loves it.”
I need to stop babbling.It’s not like I didn’t have a reason to ask James to come along with me today.But I’m finding it hard to direct the conversation straight back to our failed relationship.Especially considering how long we still have to be in this car together.
“My mum always loved the scent of flowers too.”
It’s a real effort to keep my eyes on the road and not turn abruptly toward him.Evidently James has no problem with skipping the small talk.
“Do you miss her?”I ask quietly.
It takes him a moment, then he says, “Yeah, actually,” in a kind of growl of agreement.“Things are different without her.”
“In what way?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see his shoulders twitch.“There’s no buffer between me and Dad anymore.Lydia wants to take that role, but I’m doing my absolute best not to let that happen.I don’t want her to get stuck in the middle—least of all now.”
“How is she?I’ve hardly seen her this week.”
“Pretty good.I think.”He hesitates a moment.“I wish she’d just tell Sutton.But at the same time, I get why she doesn’t want to.”
“The whole situation is just total shit.”
“Yeah.”For a moment, he’s quiet, then he clears his throat.“So, how are you?”
I really don’t understand how a conversation can feel so normal and so weird at the same time.
“Good.I…um.I got an offer from St.Hilda’s too.”
“I knew it.They’d be total idiots if they didn’t take you,” he replies.“Congrats, Ruby.”
I glance at him in surprise.He looks seriously back at me.
I don’t know how he keeps doing this.One day he’s crushed, standing shivering on my doorstep, and the next he’s back at school, finding the strength to act like nothing happened.And now he seems totally unfazed, even though I know that last Saturday had an effect on him.
“Thanks,” I mumble.For a moment, I try to find the right words for what I want to say to him next.I’ve had since Monday to think about it, but right now, my mind has gone totally blank.“I’m sorry about what I said to you last weekend,” I start.“That was—”
“Ruby.”James tries to interrupt me, but I shake my head.
“I want to get over you,” I say quietly.“But being mean to you won’t make that any easier.I really am sorry.And it’s important to me that you know that.”
I feel his eyes on me.“There’s nothing for you to apologize for,” he whispers.
I don’t know how to answer that.The words sound bitter as he says them and I want to contradict him, but on the other hand, I’m scared that that will turn the conversation in a direction I’m not ready to go.I wanted to say sorry, and I’ve done that.At the moment, I don’t think I have the strength for anything more.
So I stay quiet and accelerate.The silence between us gets more and more awkward the longer it goes on, and after a while I can’t bear it any longer and turn on the radio.The cheerful popmusic on Mum’s favorite station is in stark contrast to the oppressive atmosphere between James and me.We spend the remaining fifteen minutes of the drive in silence, but I’m aware of his presence for every second.I hear his quiet breathing and sense when he moves beside me.And the heater might not be up very high, but just the thought that I’d only have to stretch out my hand to touch him makes me burn up.
I’m really glad when we get to the old business parking lot and I can finally get out of the car.The cold air feels so good on my flushed cheeks.
“It’s over that way,” I say, pointing to a unit with a colorful sign over the doorway.James comes to stand beside me and, as we set off, my arm brushes against his.
We’re both wearing thick coats.
