Page 69 of A Lady's Past
“It’s me,” Jacques said. His voice light and eager, he sounded nothing like the cold, detached man she’d heard in the parlor.
Leaning her head against the cold stone around the door helped force her to stay her tears. “You should not be here. Go away.”
“Are you crying? Open this door.”
Admitting to herself she wanted to see him and know why he hadn’t defended her, Diana unbolted the door. Perhaps because the truth needed no defense. Marrying her could ruin him. She peeked out. Still in his evening clothes with his hair pulled back, he stopped her heart. “You should go to your own room.”
Forceful but gently, he pressed the door open without hurting her. He lifted her chin with his finger and looked at her with narrowed eyes. “What are you crying about?”
“I don’t want to tell you.” She sounded like a child and felt like an idiot. She might be able to do complex mathematics both on paper and in her head, but she was still a blithering idiot when her heart was breaking.
Jacques stepped inside the room and closed and bolted the door before scooping her up in his arms and carrying her to the bed. He sat with her in his lap and held her. “Are you sick, Diana? Shall I call for a doctor? I know the weather is bad, but if you are ill, I will find you a doctor.”
“I’m not ill.” Her tears started again and there was no stopping them. She buried her head in his soft white blouse and cried until she gulped air on every sob. She needed to cry. She was dying, but he was the last person in all of England she wanted to see her so low. She should be braver after all she’d survived, yet she was dying inside.
“If you are not sick, you are going to have to tell me what is wrong. Just a few hours ago you were happy and dancing. What happened?” He kissed her temple and hugged her tighter.
“You didn’t come back.” She gasped for air.
“I had a lot to think about, so I took a walk about the castle. Is that what upset you?”
Shaking her head, she clutched him around the neck and refused to look him in the eye. On a long breath out, she said, “I went looking for you.”
His hand stilled where it had been rubbing her back. “Where did you look?”
Speaking directly into the patch of his blouse that she’d made sopping with her tears, she said, “I went to your room.”
“Now I am very sorry, I took that walk. I should like to know what you would have done if I had been inside. Would my goddess have seduced me? I assure you there is no need to cry about it. I am certain I would have been in favor of such an initiation.” His lips were so soft where they touched her cheek.
“When you weren’t there, I went downstairs.”
He stiffened but didn’t release her. “You heard my conversation with Preston?”
Pushing away did her no good. He held her firmly, but without harming her. “I should have told you I was there or run away sooner. You should let me go, Jacques. Middleton is right. I can only bring you ruin. I’ve tried to tell you so, but then you’ve been so sweet. I just wanted something normal and good. Having you love me was a treat I couldn’t resist.”
“I do love you, Diana. That will never change.” He caressed her back again.
The sweetness of his goodbye was too hard to bear. The last thing Preston said as she was moving away from the parlor door rang in her ears. What if she was a traitor? Of course they still doubted her. “Let me go.”
Very slowly, Jacques released his hold on her. He placed her on the mattress and Diana wanted to die from the loss. She steeled herself for the moment he would walk out of her room and her life forever.
Her heart stopped when he knelt in front of her. “Listen to me very carefully, Diana. I will never let you go. Preston is my best friend, and he worries about me. He does not disapprove. Not in the way you think. He voiced his opinion and we nearly came to blows over it.”
“You did? I didn’t hear that.” She replayed the cold agreement from Jacques in her head.
“Then you abandoned your eavesdropping too soon.” He smiled. “If Preston disapproved, I would be sad, but it would not change my desire or my determination to be with you. However, if you had stayed longer you would have heard him say that he will love you like a sister.”
“He said that?” Her heart leaped, and she had to swallow more tears, though this time they were happy tears.
“He did. My business will not suffer, and if it does, I will change my clientele. It won’t matter. I have enough to keep us quite comfortable for many years. Now, tell me what you had planned when you came to my room.” He pressed kisses to her hands where they lay in her lap.
It was impossible that this perfect man could want her. She slid from the bed and knelt with him. “I’m not really sure. I thought… I didn’t want to go to sleep on Christmas without saying good night.”
“Then I am honored.” He kissed her tear-streaked cheek.
Suddenly embarrassed by her hysteria, she put her hands over her eyes. “I’m a mess. I’m sorry for acting like such a ninny.”
He pulled her up with him as he stood. “Let me think. I got to carry you in my arms, sit with you in my lap, and hold you while you cried. I’d call that a full evening and not a bad one, from my perspective.”
