Page 48 of A Heart to Find
Okay, so she made valid points. He would probably never again pay attention to his nostrils with such fervor, but he could work on seeing things in a different light. Travel had taught him a lot about that. Now he needed to apply it to growing with a partner in a new kind of relationship.
The permanent kind of relationship.
“Now that you’ve had some time to focus on your body and your mind, let’s take turns sharing your deepest concern that you bring to the relationship. We’ll start with whichever partner is seated in the blue chair. The purple chair will have an opportunity to speak next. Please share the most important issue you bring to the new relationship, and a little about why it’s so important. Purple chair partners—now is your time to listen, and then we will switch. Do not respond now. Your homework will be to carry these concerns with you for at least twenty-four hours. You will utilize meditation before emoting on the topic. You will each agree to revisit the topic tomorrow afternoon before the group scavenger hunt. Ready? Deep breaths. And go.”
Jared leaned forward in his chair, about to joke about ditching the event, but the severity and depth of emotion in Keira’s eyes made him realize she was fully invested in the activity, and he’d better be, too.
She dragged in a deep breath, her chest rising with the effort. She closed her eyes as she slowly cleared her lungs, but her leg shook with the wiggling of her right foot. When she looked at him again, her eyes were misty. “This is hard for me to say, but please know that there are reasons for my feelings.”
He nodded. Sweat pooled at his lower back, and his stomach tightened. She sounded tortured. Pained.
He didn’t like it one bit.
She closed her eyes again and straightened her back as her palms pushed down on her thighs.
Thinking of how excited she’d be when he shared with her his most important concern—how to best help Hailey adjust to having a new parental figure in her life—encouraged him. He knew it’d be a change in all of their lives, but with Keira’s love of children and Hailey’s blinding optimism and enthusiasm for a new female role model in her life, he knew things would go beautifully. He knew he needed to tread carefully, and knowing that Keira was a child development expert certainly helped.
This was the perfect time for him to tell her about his daughter. He couldn’t wait to see her eyes light up.
When she opened her eyes, there was a fiery light in them. A new resolve.
“It’s important for you to know that I’m eager to start a family. I don’t want to wait a long time.”
Relief coursed through him. Bewildered at why he had been so nervous, a relieved smile burned his cheeks. He couldn’t wait for his turn to tell her the news that he now knew would thrill her. That could make her want this relationship as much as he did.
Hailey wasn’t a bargaining chip—nothing had changed in that regard. But he had sensed a change in Keira’s attitude toward him since her ankle incident and all the time they had spent together, and this would just cement the deal.
“I have to admit something that I’m not proud of, but it’s something I hope you can understand.” She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms over her belly. Her legs crossed at the ankles. “I was afraid they’d pair me with a single dad, you know, since I’m a professional in a nurturing field. And normally that would be so wonderful—it’s not that I don’t have every bit of respect for single parents—but I need children of my own. Trust me, if I hadn’t been through what I’ve been through, I’d love the thought of step-children. I’d be happy to adopt at some point, but it’s important for me to have children that can’t be taken from me.”
The last part of her sentence was almost masked by the choking sound coming from her throat. And if she said anything after, he had no idea.
The room grew silent, though seconds ago it had been rumbling with excited conversation. A spotlight bore down upon him, and the rest of the room fell away to darkness. Her face hovered in front of him. Distorted. Floating. Seeking a nonverbal response from him.
He should have paid more attention to how to do that meditation thing, because he was in serious danger of losing his grip.
“Jared? Are you okay? I shouldn’t have said all that. I hope you don’t think I’m mean, but Megan and I talked about the possibility of me being matched with a single dad, and I guess it’s just been a relief in some ways to know that didn’t happen. But you do want kids, right? I mean, I know you didn’t before, but you said you’ve changed, so I guess I’m looking for reassurance here.”
Excited rumblings returned, and he realized his mind had tried to check out of a difficult conversation.
He couldn’t tell her about Hailey now. Not when she looked so vulnerable. Not when there was something lurking beneath her words—something she hadn’t yet discussed with him. Something he wanted to break the rules about and question her on. If she could explain the reasons behind her concern, he could help her see that Hailey wouldn’t threaten her feelings. He knew she’d love his daughter, and he knew that seeing the two of them together would make every rocky road he had taken to get to this point worthwhile. And she’d never lose Hailey, because he would do whatever it took to keep Keira. Forever.
“I know you’re not supposed to respond yet, but ugh. The wait might kill me.”
His head pounded, and his eyes ached deep in the sockets.
“Jared,” Keira whispered urgently. “She hit the gong thing. You’re supposed to be sharing your concern with me now.”
Running a sweaty hand over the top of his head, he struggled to think of something that wouldn’t betray his inner thoughts.
“I don’t really have anything. Sorry.”
He could feel her glare even as he avoided making eye contact. He searched the room for a clock, wishing they hadn’t made them check their phones into lockers at the entrance. The fight or flight impulse warred within him, and he tended toward the flight option these days.
He had to get out before he made a mess of things. Had to regroup. Figure out how to deal with this conflict. Decide how best to proceed.
A small blip. A communication issue.
Her concern wasn’t a death sentence for their relationship.
