Page 73 of A Heart to Find
Wouldn’t.
“Excuse me, Megan, I need some air. Catch up with you later?”
“Of course, my friend. Just know that Matt and I will be by your side forever. If we have to choose, we choose you.”
Keira hated the idea of Jared being left out, but he’d probably be relieved.
Squeezing herself through a stream of joyful people, Keira released a pent-up breath when she finally made it to the covered balcony at the far end of the conference hall. The sharp air cut her lungs, but cooled her face and saved her from the embarrassment of passing out in the heat of the crowded party.
She made her way to the edge and brushed snow off the rail so she could lean over and admire the sparkling ground as the fresh snow twinkled under the lantern lights.
In spite of everything, she’d miss this island.
“Guess I’m not the only one who needed solitude.”
She startled at the rumbling of Jared’s voice cutting through the quiet of the night. Her hand flew to her heart.
“I didn’t know you were out here.”
“I figured as much.” He stepped out of the shadows and into the light. His hair more disheveled than usual, he looked out of place. Uncomfortable.
Uncertain.
“Jared, I’m glad you’re out here.”
“Yeah?” He perked up and tilted his head, a slight, nervous smile rising on one side of his face.
Argh, that crease!
She nodded.
“I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last year with everything that happened with my family, my fiancé, and all that. Some of it hasn’t been so pleasant.” Her self-deprecating laugh punctuated her commentary. “Thing is, I’m a fixer. I never mean to be, but that’s what I am. I look at the lives of those close to me and don’t rest until I find ways to fix whatever is causing them harm. Seems innocuous enough, but it drives people away, and rightfully so. People don’t want to be fixed. I’ve learned that.”
“I’m sure you’ve only ever tried to be helpful. People shouldn’t take advantage of your good nature and not be willing to take your advice or assistance and repair their lives. That’s not a flaw, Keira.”
“But it is. And you see, I’ve been thinking about it ever since our disagreement yesterday. I can’t fix you. I don’t even want to try. You’re great the way you are, and I know with all my heart and soul that you will make someone an amazing partner.”
“The only one I want is you.”
She shook her head, biting the insides of her cheeks to keep from letting her sadness flood the balcony.
“It can’t be me, Jared. And not because there’s anything wrong with you and not even because you kept a secret that I wish you hadn’t. It’s simply because I’m too broken for a relationship, especially one where I feel deceived. Especially one where I stand to lose so much. I smother people. I do too much. And I lose myself in the process. Coming here was a bad idea, and I’m sorry if I hurt you with my reaction to what I honestly believe is wonderful news.”
“I don’t need you to fix me or take care of me, Keira. I can do all that myself. And you don’t need me to fix you or take care of you. You’ve proven that. All I need is for you to love me at least a fraction as much as I love you.” His voice cracked. He reached for her.
She stepped back, crossing her arms over her chest and hugging her arms to shield herself from the cold and from his heart reaching out to hers.
“Let me love you.”
His plea did something to her. His desperation reached inside her chest and squeezed her heart, leaving her breathless. Her knees locked, and though she wanted to flee, she couldn’t find the strength.
But then he stepped closer, placing his warm hands on her cold arms, and her fight or flight or freeze instincts switched to flight.
“I’m so sorry, Megan. I can’t come down for lunch. I have so much to do right now.”
“I don’t know what you could possibly have to do, but okay. I’ll see you at the board game event later, though, right? Please say yes. I have things to tell you.”
“I wouldn’t miss it. Now you go and enjoy a quiet, romantic lunch with your smitten kitten, and we’ll catch up later.”
