Page 43 of As I Am
"You don't want to be here?" Carson swallowed the lump forming in his throat.
"No, it's not that. I want to be here. So much that it scares me. I don't know how to keep from…" Ky shook his head. "It's just hard."
"No, finish what you were saying. Tell me what you're feeling. I can't help if I don't know."
"It's just for three weeks, then I go home and you go back to California. I can't get used to having you around. To being treated like you treat me." Ky opened his eyes and rolled onto his back so he could look at Carson. "Don't you see? You make me want so much more with you than I can have. I feel this…" Ky rubbed his chest, directly over his heart.
Carson smiled. "Ky, I feel it too. It grows stronger each day we spend together. That is what happens when two people like each other and date."
"But we aren't really dating. You're paying me to play a part."
"Damn it, Ky, I've said it before. I'm not playing. At first maybe that was the idea, but then I started to really get to know you. I want whatever this is between us to be real. I want us to see if we can have a relationship long-term. It's not just three weeks for me. Yeah, we both will have to spend some time apart. We have our careers and stuff to think about, but I hope that we can still find a way to make things work between us. If that means we see if you can get time off to go on tour with me when you can, or that I spend my time off with you in Utah, then that is what we will do. Stop thinking about the money. If I didn't know how badly you need it, I'd take it back and not offer you any. I want to be a couple. A real couple. Not some make believe thing."
Ky stared at him, looking suddenly wide awake. "You have feelings for me?"
"Of course, I do. And they are getting stronger every day. I thought I was telling and showing you."
Ky turned so he was facing Carson. "You have, but I thought it was all part of us playing that we are a couple. I mean, that's why I'm here right? To help you keep fans away. To make them think you're taken."
Carson shook his head. "That was some of it, but I wouldn't have asked you to come if I didn't like your company in the first place. There's something between us, Ky. Don't tell me you don't feel something too."
"I don't know what I feel. I've never done anything like this before. I've never had a boyfriend. I love being around you, being like this." He gestured to them in bed. "Sex is amazing. I've never wanted sex before, but with you, I want it all the time. But as for feelings, I guess I'm just scared of how you make me feel. I know this ends in a few weeks and that makes me feel like I should guard myself from letting myself like you too much, or need you too much."
"This doesn't have to end. That's what I'm saying. I want to find a way to make it so it doesn't end." Carson brushed Ky's hair back from his face. "I want this to go on after this leg of the tour ends."
Ky smiled. "I do too, but I can't leave Utah. That's where my life is right now. I've got a job to start and everything."
Carson wanted to remind him that he had the money to take care of them both, but that seemed too much too soon. As if they were jumping into something much more serious and committed than Ky might be ready for. "That's okay. I spend a lot of time there when I'm not touring. I can even get a house there so we have privacy when we want to be together or we just stay at your place." He would have to deal with security issues later. "We can make this work. I know we can."
Ky closed his eyes. "Why me? You can have anyone you want, but you pick some dirty street hustler who has nothing to offer you."
"Maybe because that's who I want. I don't want someone who looks at me in awe all the time. Someone who is with me because I'm famous and rich. You haven't asked for a thing since we met. I've offered, but not once have you asked. You did something last night that amazed me. When we stepped into the meet and greet, you stepped back. You didn't keep clinging to my arm, staking your claim. You gave me room to do my job. Then you went out and did everything you could to make the night even more special for a little boy. You didn't do that for me, you did that for him. Not one guy I've dated since I became famous would do anything like that. They hang on me and try to force me to want them, which just makes me push them away faster. I don't care about your past. I'd hope that if we make this work between us, you wouldn't go back to the having sex with others. I'd like a committed relationship, but if you don't want to give that part of your life up, I'd understand. I'm not sure I'd stay, because commitment matters to me a lot, but I would understand."
"I hate what I do on the streets, but it's such easy money. It was the only way I could get ahead. Now, I have a full-time job, I'm going to do everything I can not to go back. I don't want you to think for a minute that I liked what I had to do. I hated it, but there was no other way. I was fifteen when I started. No one would hire me. I didn't have a home. I was lucky to get a shower once a week."
Carson slid his leg between Ky's, pulling them even closer together. "Then let me help you if you need it. I know you well enough to know you hate asking for money, but I have it if you need it. I'd rather you ask me than ever go back to selling yourself."
Ky blinked, his eyes filled with tears. "You're serious about this, aren't you? You really want to try?"
"Of course, I am. I wouldn't have brought any of this up if I wasn't." Carson kissed a tear that fell down Ky's cheek. "I know this is all new to you, and my life can be a bit overwhelming. Dating me isn't going to be like dating some guy you met at work. We can't date like normal people. We will have to have security around and we won't be able to go out like most couples can, but I promise to do my best to find ways we can have time together."
"I'm not worried about going out. I like this. Just spending time together talking. I loved watching the movie with you. I haven't seen most movies. I could probably sit at your place and watch a hundred of them with you that I've never seen. I'm scared that because I haven't done much, or ever been in a relationship, that I won't be enough for you. That you'll get bored with me."
"That's not going to happen." Carson kissed Ky's cheek. "So, no more roleplaying, no more pretending. Everything I say or do, I mean. When I tell you how much you mean to me, I mean it, it's not just empty words. When I tell fans that you are mine, I mean it. I'm not just displaying you for them to see. You're mine, and I'm yours. Deal?"
Ky nodded, but still looked unsure. "There's things about me you need to know. Things I need to tell you in time, but I'm not sure I'm ready yet."
"When you are ready, I'll be here to listen. I know it's new to you. Take your time. Once you're more comfortable, and more secure that I really do want you, then tell me. As long as you're not wanted for murder in five states, then I think we'll be okay."
Ky smiled. "Only three states."
Carson jabbed Ky playfully in the stomach. "Hush. I know you well enough to know you're not wanted for murder, and even if you were, you would have had a damn good reason for doing it."
"I've never killed anyone." Ky pressed his forehead to Carson's chest. "I just need time to get used to being wanted."
Carson's heart broke hearing those words. "I want you, and right now I can't see a time where I won't. I don't know what our future holds, but I promise you that you are wanted." He ran his fingers through the back of Ky's hair as he held him close. "I hate to ruin our morning, but we have a plane to catch. Calvin will be knocking on our door in less than an hour. How about a quick shower, then you can help me pack all my stuff?"
Ky pulled back and nodded. "A shower sounds good."
As they both stumbled out of bed, Carson was sure it wouldn't be a quick shower, and that Calvin would be pounding on the door long before they were done. He didn't care. He'd do whatever he had to so that Ky never felt unwanted again.
