Page 54 of As I Am
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Carson dried his hair with a towel, glad that this was his last concert for this leg of the tour. He was tired and ready for some time off. A change of scenery would do both Ky and him well. It wasn't easy living out of a hotel day after day.
Ky had handled it better than many would. He never once complained about anything. Even when the hours got long, and they were rushing from one place to another, Ky had gone along as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He couldn't have found a better man to be by his side. It was going to be hard leaving him in a few weeks to go back on tour, but he would not ask Ky to give up his job to come with him, at least not yet. That was a conversation for later. It meant too much to Ky to have his own life and his own job and not live off Carson all the time, though Carson was more than happy to pay for everything. It was worth every dime if he could keep Ky with him while on tour.
They would have several weeks to work everything out. First, he needed to find a house in Utah and move his things. He wanted to ask Ky to move in with him, but that was another conversation he figured it would be best to have once they weren't on tour anymore.
He pulled on his shirt, glancing at the clock to make sure he wasn't running late. One more sound check, one more performance, and one more flight, and he'd be free from the chaos of his career for a while.
He could hear Ky talking to someone in the other room. Curious, he headed out, pausing as he saw Ky staring out the window while talking on the phone.
"When I get home, I'll have money to get us a bigger apartment too." Ky stared out the window as he spoke to whoever it was on the phone.
Carson stood silent in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt, but his stomach twisted as he listened. He wasn't aware that Ky lived with anyone. He'd never mentioned anyone else.
"I know. I miss you too, but I better go." Ky smiled at whatever was said back to him. "I love you too. I'll see you when I get home tomorrow."
Carson sucked in a breath as if he'd been punched, the reality of what was going on hitting him hard. Of course Ky would have someone at home. Why wouldn't he. Carson had just assumed that he was single. He didn't know many guys who would tolerate their boyfriends selling themselves for sex. Hell, maybe they both did it.
Carson turned away, going back into the bedroom. He'd been so sure that what was between him and Ky was more than a business deal. It might have started out that way, but over the last three weeks, so much had happened between them.
He was so stupid. For once he found a man who he thought really accepted him for who he was inside, but it wasn't real. He was nothing more than a job for Ky. A way to make money. The pain of that knowledge cut deep, nearly bringing tears to Carson's eyes. He'd been so close to asking Ky for something more serious. Thank God he'd heard that phone call before he'd made a fool out of himself.
"Hey, I didn't know you were out of the shower already." Ky walked into the room, coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around him. "I was going to come join you and help you wash your back." Ky kissed Carson's neck.
Carson took a deep breath, unsure what to do now. He pulled away, turning to face Ky. "I wanted to hurry. I have a sound check in an hour." He was thankful that he had a performance coming up so he would have something other than Ky to focus on.
Hearing him declare his love to another was the last thing he expected. He'd been so close to saying those same words to Ky. He wondered what Ky would have said had he made the mistake of saying them.
"I'll hurry and change and come with you." Ky turned to the dresser.
"You don't have to if you don't want. I know you must get tired of watching me on stage day after day." Carson went to the closet to pull out a t-shirt.
"Actually, no. I enjoy it every time. I love the passion you have when you sing. You amaze me. I look out over the crowds and try to imagine what it would be like to stand up in front of all those people. I don't think I could do it. I'd be too scared." Ky stripped down right there and started to put on new clothes.
Carson watched the muscles play in Ky's legs as he stepped into a pair of jeans. He shook his head, reminding himself that Ky wasn't his. He belonged to another. Carson might have his body for a time, but his heart belonged to someone else.
How was he going to get through the night knowing that? He wasn't sure he could touch Ky again without thinking about him with another man. "It's not easy at first, but you get used to it. The first few times I went out there, the crowds were a lot smaller. I guess each time just gets easier. Each show is almost the same, so you just follow the routine and pray that nothing goes wrong."
"You might think each show is the same, but I see little differences. You play off the crowd. The more excited the crowd is, the more upbeat you are. The show in Houston was amazing. You could feel your passion, but the little show you did in New Mexico wasn't as strong. You didn't feel the same excitement coming from the stage." Ky pulled on a clean pair of socks.
"Really? You can feel that?" Carson knew exactly what Ky was saying. He could feel a difference from show to show depending on the crowd's excitement, but he hoped it didn't change the performance.
"I don't think many would see the differences. I've watched you so many nights now that I see what is different, but most only see you that one time. They wouldn't notice. It's nothing major or bad, just the way you talk to the crowd, interact with them. You are more active on stage if the crowd is really into it. If they aren't, you tend to just stay in one area of the stage as you sing." Ky glanced up. "It's probably because I'm so close to you. I catch things others don't."
Carson wished Ky was close to him.
"Anyway, don't think about it too much. I don't want you to get caught up worrying about it and make a mistake or something on stage. You haven't put on a bad show yet." Ky stood and went over to Carson, kissing him softly. "Then again, I think I've become your number one fan." He gripped Carson's hips, pulling their bodies closer together.
Carson closed his arms around Ky, his body reacting to his closeness. How was he supposed to do this now that he knew Ky had someone else? He still wanted Ky. Knowing he had someone back home didn't change that. He couldn't just stop what he was feeling. He didn't want to. For once he'd found someone that made him feel normal. Ky didn't treat him like some famous rock star. He didn't stare at him in awe. Hell, he even called him on his shit when he needed to. He was everything Carson could ever want, and now he couldn't have him.
As he lowered his head and captured Ky's mouth with his own, he figured that all he could do was enjoy the days they had left together. If Ky was here to do a job, he'd let him do it. He'd enjoy the company, the sex, and try as hard as he could to keep his feelings for Ky from getting any stronger. Once they got back to Salt Lake, he'd let Ky go.
He broke the kiss and pulled back, trying not to get caught up in the way Ky looked up at him. If he was just doing a job, Ky needed to stop looking at him the way he did, with such emotion in his eyes. He brushed the pad of his thumb over Ky's bottom lip. "We better be getting to the arena."
Ky licked over his lip and nodded. "Okay. Let me run a brush through my hair and we can go."
As he watched Ky walk into the bathroom, Carson wondered how he'd misread Ky's intentions. He swore Ky was feeling the same way he was. It was in the way they looked at each other, in the way they touched. You couldn't fake those things. At least he hadn't thought you could, but he guessed Ky had experience giving men exactly what they wanted. Carson had made it easy for Ky to play the part of boyfriend. The thing was, while they might have started out acting, it was no longer an act for Carson. He wanted Ky, but after hearing that call, it was clear, once again, what he wanted he couldn't have.
Reaching for his jacket, he forced back all the feelings raging inside him. He had a show to put on, and he wasn't going to let Ky or anyone cheat his fans out of getting what they paid for. At least they would go to bed satisfied tonight, because he sure wouldn't.
