Page 2 of The Road Home
CHAPTER TWO
Jared tossed the gloves into the trash before straightening and rolling his shoulders, trying to ease the stress in his back. The day seemed endless. He was supposed to have headed home four hours ago, but the emergency room had been so busy that he'd stayed around to help, even though he could have skipped out and gone home to his bed.
Bed... Sleep… That was something he only dreamed about anymore. He thought once he'd finished his internship and actually hired on with the hospital, he would have a more normal schedule, but after several years, he was still pulling hours like he had when he'd just started.
With a tired sigh, he glanced up at the clock on the wall, seeing it was after eleven. Once again, he'd missed dinner, and worked through the night without stopping. This wasn't the life he'd wanted when he'd became a doctor. He'd thought he would be able to make his own schedule, have nights off, enjoy time with friends. That was before he found his love for emergency medicine. Gone were the dreams of a quiet private practice. He loved the rush of treating whatever might come in the door next. He relished the challenge of diagnosing and trying to figure out what was going on in the human body. And the rush of adrenaline that hit him each time a trauma patient came in was something he couldn't get anywhere else.
"Hey, do you have a minute?" Cameron came to a stop at the doorway of the room Jared was standing in.
"Sure, what's up?" He'd always liked Cameron. The two of them had started working at the hospital about the same time, both learning the ways of the emergency department together. They'd become good friends over the years.
"I was wondering if you could help me. My mom called an hour ago. She's going in for heart surgery Tuesday. It's nothing major, but I'd still like to fly out to Kansas and be with her for a few days. Trouble is, I have a shift Monday night at the clinic downtown," Cameron told him. "Since you've covered for me there a couple of other times, I was hoping you might do it again."
The clinic wasn't his favorite place. He grew tired of trying to weed out the drug seekers and people just hoping to find a way to get off the streets for a night. Sure, there were people who really needed help, and he enjoyed that part, but seeing the amount of people suffering from drug abuse was hard. He wanted to get them all help, but sadly, many of them refused any of the options that were offered. Quickly going over his schedule in his head, he nodded. "Yeah, I'm free. I can work for you. I hope your mom's going to be okay."
"She should be. That's one of the reasons I want to be there. I don't trust that she's been telling me everything." Cameron looked tired. "Since Dad died, I hate being so far away from her. I keep trying to talk her into moving here, but she's set in her ways and has no desire to move to a big city."
Having grown up in a small town in Montana, Jared understood how someone wouldn't want to move. "Well, if I can do anything, you let me know. What time does your shift start?"
"Five to nine." Cameron brushed his fingers through his hair, pushing it back from his forehead. "The clinic closes at eight, but by the time you get everyone out, it's about nine. I really appreciate this."
"No problem." He was happy to help him out when he needed something. Cameron had helped him more than once when he needed an extra set of hands in his wood shop or just someone to go hang out with and grab a beer. "I hope everything goes well. Call me if you need anything."
"I owe you." Cameron looked relieved, making him wonder how much stress he was really under.
"We'll grab a beer when you get back." Jared slapped him on the back. "I'm going to head home. You got everything here under control?" He hoped it had slowed down enough that he could sneak out without feeling too guilty.
"Yeah, go. Thanks for sticking around." Cameron smiled. "Get some sleep. Don't spend all night working in the shop."
"I won't. I'm beat. As much as I could use some creative therapy right now, I'm looking forward to climbing into my bed more." Jared followed Cameron out of the room and into the hallway. The long nights in the shop weren't helping. It gave him too much time to think, to remember. Sleep would bring a blissful nothingness that he craved, at least until the dreams started. "I'll see you tomorrow." He slipped out the side door, leaving the chaos of the emergency room behind him and made his way to the doctor's lounge to grab his jacket.
By the time he stepped outside and made his way to the car, the tension and stress of his shift started to ease. He was good at leaving work behind and not taking it home with him. It was rare that he would end up thinking about his patients much once he left the hospital. The good thing about being an emergency physician was that he didn't have to follow up with his patients. He sent them home or to a specialist and moved on to the next. That didn't mean that a case wouldn't get to him from time to time, but it was rare.
He stared up at the night sky, taking in the nearly full moon, trying to guess how many more nights he had before it was full, and insanity would come upon the hospital again just like it did every month during each cycle of the moon. As he slid into his car, he prayed it wouldn't be the night he spent at the clinic.
It wasn't that he hated the people that used the clinic, but he had a hard time understanding why so many of them wouldn't do anything to change their situation. There were programs, there were jobs, there was help. He'd even had one old man tell him he enjoyed the independence he had from being homeless. He didn't want the stress or the worry of trying to make a better life. That was something Jared just couldn't understand, especially coming from a Veteran who'd fought in some of the worst times the world had seen. Why wouldn't someone want a better life? What drove a person to just give up?
Pushing the thoughts from his mind, he headed home, ready to be done with the long ass day. More than anything, he was looking forward to not having to get up early in the morning. He had Sunday and Monday off, so other than the clinic, he wouldn't have to think about patients or hospitals or anything that went with it. He could hide away in his woodshop and just enjoy the solitude.
If he was lucky, he could finish the hutch he was working on for his friends Richard and Tyler. It was a wedding gift to the two of them. Jared smiled, thinking about the upcoming wedding and how glad he was that Richard had found someone to spend his life with. The thought was bittersweet, reminding him of how alone he was now. How he had the chance at love once and let it slip through his fingers because he was too scared to admit who he really was inside.
"Fuck!" He pulled into his driveway, taking a deep breath as he tried to force back thoughts of the man he'd loved. If he'd only been braver back then, but growing up in a small town in Montana, being gay wasn't accepted, and he'd been too scared to be true to himself. He'd let love pass him by.
Now, Daryl was married to another man and had adopted two kids, still living in the same town, facing the hate and opinions of the people in the area, standing up for love and who he was. Jared had run, too scared to come out, opening the door for Daryl to move on and find love with another.
He had no one to blame but himself.
Even though it had happened years ago, the pain was still eating at him. He wondered if he'd given up his one chance at love. He turned away, too scared to face the truth and flipped his middle finger at the chance to find true happiness with someone by his side.
The house was dark and quiet as he walked inside, just like it always was, with no one waiting for him. No 'honey, I'm home'. All he had now was his career, which he loved, but some days it just didn't feel like enough.
If he'd only been braver.
He still hid, too scared to admit the truth. Even after being in college in California, he still didn't have the guts to admit who he was. The few hook-ups he had were done from single sites and at clubs where he always prayed that he didn't see anyone he knew. More times than not, he avoided sex altogether. It wasn't worth the fear of having anyone find out he was gay.
With a heavy sigh, he tossed his keys on the kitchen table and headed to the bedroom. A quick shower and he'd be able to fall into bed. It was only then, while asleep, that the feeling of failure would leave him and he could find some peace.
