Page 32 of The Road Home
"Yeah, that would be nice, thanks." Orson dropped his bag by the doorway to the guest room before following him into his.
"Do you need anything else?"
"No, this is more than enough. I feel guilty with everything you let me use and all the food you've given me."
"Don't feel guilty. I'm not out anything loaning you a pair of sweats, and I'm glad to see you eating. I was worried about you the first time we met, then the second time you'd lost even more weight. At least now I know you're eating something."
"Still, thank you." Orson took the sweats and t-shirt Jared handed him. "I'll see you in the kitchen in a few."
"Sounds good." Jared smiled as he started to pull off his shirt, needing a quick shower to wash the day off him.
As he showered, he tried to think of exactly what he would say to Orson about him hiding being gay. He was dreading seeing the look in Orson's eyes when he admitted he had the same situation facing him as he had, and he'd been too scared to admit the truth. He'd let his parents control who he was, even if they didn't know it.
With his stomach in knots, he dried off, quickly dressing before heading out into the kitchen. He smiled, seeing Orson already with two glasses of tea poured for them. "Thanks." He took a long drink.
"I would have started dinner, but wasn't sure what you wanted." Orson smiled.
"Well, let's decide." Jared went over and opened the freezer. "Pick whatever you want." He motioned to about twenty frozen dinners stacked in the freezer.
"You really do eat a lot of these." Orson shook his head. "That can't be healthy."
"What can I say? I'm one of those do as I say, not as I do kinda doctors." Jared laughed.
"I'll take the chicken." Orson reached for one.
"Meatloaf for me." Jared took another.
After he got them in the microwave, he pulled out a set of silverware for them and sat down across from Orson. "So tomorrow, we'll get up a little earlier and go downtown. I can either drop you off and pick you up later before I go into the hospital or wait for you like I did before. I want you to have time to talk to everyone you need to."
"You could come with me." Orson glanced up with a nervous look in his eyes.
"I can if you want me to." Jared wasn't sure what he was getting into, but if Orson needed him with him, he'd go.
"I just thought you could explain better than I could." Orson shrugged. "But I get you might not want to go there."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because it's not the cleanest place or the safest."
"I can handle it." Jared smiled. "I'd be happy to go with you. Let's plan on going around noon. That will give us time to make sure I'm to work by three. I figure since we won't be up all night like last night, we'll be okay on sleep."
"That depends on how much you have to tell me tonight." Orson smiled.
"Yeah, about that…" Jared stood and went over to the microwave, watching the food spin inside it. "I guess the best place to start is at the beginning." He turned and looked at Orson. "Like you, I figured out I was gay pretty early. By the time I hit high school I knew for sure. Daryl was my best friend, and we both kind of figured it out at the same time. I won't go into how we both found out about the other, but once we did, we quickly realized there was a lot more between us than friendship. We didn't have to hide much since everyone was so used to seeing us together. We'd wait until we were behind closed doors to really be together, but it grew into something intense fast. I loved him."
The microwave dinged, drawing his attention away for a second. He pulled the food out and set it on the table in front of them. "Anyway, it started at about fifteen and by the time we were seventeen I was looking into colleges and he was getting ready to take over the family ranch. His dad had a stroke about a year before and ranching was what Daryl loved. He wanted me to be with him. Wanted both of us to tell our parents about us, but…" Jared sighed and cut into his meatloaf.
"You were too scared?" Orson finished.
"Yeah. My parents weren't the loving kind. Everything was black and white to them. You didn't show affection in public. Hell, they didn't even show it in private around the house. They were set in their ways. It wasn't really religion or anything, just a base of morals and habits that you weren't allowed to break. I was too scared. I knew if they found out, they wouldn't pay for college and I'd end up kicked out. I hadn't expected Daryl's parents to take it any better, so I made the only choice I thought I had, and told Daryl we were over and went off to college."
Orson didn't say a word as he cut into his chicken and took a bite.
"I never found the courage to come out. Even in college and medical school, I hid. I was so scared of how people would react, how they would treat me. I worried it would change how my teachers looked at me, then once I was doing my internship, I worried about how it would affect my job. I've never gotten over that. I just keep hiding. Then I met you…" Jared set his fork down as he stared at Orson. "You were so brave. You and I had pretty much the same choice to make, even though I know circumstances were different. We both risked being kicked out, we both risked our lives being pulled out from under us. You were so brave. You knew who you were, stood up for who you were, and even though you suffered for it, you dealt with it. You didn't run and hide the way I did. I looked at you and saw the path my life could have taken, and I hated myself for not being as brave as you are. I hate that even now as a grown man I'm too fucking scared to tell the world I'm gay."
Orson set his fork down and shook his head. "You're not weak for choosing the life you did. Look at how many people you've saved because you made the choice to go to medical school. You chose to have a life. You aren't weak at all, Jared. You have sacrificed just the same way I have. You have gone without, having to deal with an incomplete life because you didn't come out. Yeah, maybe now that you are older it doesn't make as much sense to me, but I remember how I felt at seventeen. I have spent so many cold nights wishing I'd made another choice. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what my life would be like had I just let my parents have their way. I could have gone to school, could have had a normal life. I could have hidden it at least a few years. Gotten on my feet, then walked away once I had a more stable life. I wonder all the time how different things would be for me if I had."
Jared sighed. "I think about everything you've been through. I only know a little of it, and I'm scared to imagine what I don't know, but still, you were true to yourself. You didn't let anyone keep you from being who you are. I'm a fucking coward. I'm still hiding. I have my own life now, my own home, a job where it shouldn't matter if I'm gay, yet, I still can't bring myself to come out. I deny who I am to everyone."
