Page 33 of The Road Home
"That can change. You don't have to hide anymore," Orson told him.
"I don't even know how. Just telling you had me petrified. I was scared to death. I couldn't even say the words to you at first. I'm gay. Two words that make me feel as if I'm suffocating. I think of saying them out loud and I feel as if everything I know is going to collapse around me. I'll lose everything I've worked for."
"You said you have some gay friends?"
"Yeah, Richard and Tyler. We aren't close, but we hang out sometimes."
"Have they lost everything for being out?"
Jared shook his head. "Richard is a well-known business owner."
"So why would you think you'll lose everything?"
"I didn't say it made sense. It's like a fear of heights or something. I think of coming out and I get nervous, sweaty, my pulse races, and I feel frozen, unable to think or do anything. It's all-consuming." Jared shook his head. "I know times have changed. It's more accepted, but I can't stop the fear. I wish I was stronger, brave like you, but I'm not."
Orson smiled. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."
Jared snorted. "Weak and scared."
"Strong and amazing. Not once have you hesitated to help me, to help others. Hell, your profession is helping people. You don't judge them, you don't care where they come from, you don't care who they are sleeping with. You just do what is right. You take what you have, who you are, what you've learned, and use it to better the world. I hate that you don't feel you can tell people you're gay, but that doesn't make you weak. It makes you cautious. I know the hate. I've experienced it. It's not always easy." Orson ran his fingers through his hair. "I think back though, and wonder if it was worth it sometimes. My life is a mess. I have nothing to show for it. I have nothing to look forward to. I gave up everything for it. I haven't had a boyfriend since I left home, yet I've been raped five times, beaten, and mugged more times than I can count. Was it worth it? Would I have been better off doing like you did and giving in to what my parents wanted? I'd have a better life. I wouldn't be so broken."
"You're not broken." Jared reached over and gripped Orson's hand. "I don't see you as broken."
"I feel broken." Orson sighed.
Jared shook his head. "You've been through hell, but you've managed to stay on your feet. You don't let it beat you down. You could give up, you could accept that this is what your life is, but you haven't. You're looking for a job, you want to get off the streets. You haven't let everything that has happened to you stop you from dreaming. You are far from broken. You amaze me. I wish I could be as strong and brave as you."
Orson turned his hand over, linking his fingers with Jared. "The thing is, there is no right or wrong. We both had a choice to make and we made it. There is no going back. No do-overs. We have to face the decisions we made. I did what I felt was best, and you did what you needed to. Looking back, yeah, I probably would have made a different choice. Maybe I'd have a better life or maybe things would have ended up the same way. I don't know. I'm glad you didn't come out, that you'll never know what it's like to live on the streets."
"But now, now that I'm a grown man and still hiding?" Jared closed his eyes, his hand tightening with Orson's.
"Do you want to keep hiding?"
"No, but I don't know how to come out now."
"You just did. You told me. It's a start. You don't have to wear a big rainbow flag to work tomorrow. Just slowly let the people you trust know. Take it slow. It's not like you have to let the world know. Those who care about you will accept it, the others don't matter. It's not like we talk to people about who we are sleeping with. Most people won't even notice, others won't care. Maybe start with your gay friends. Tell them, or hell, even ask them to set you up on a double date. It might be easier with others who understand you."
"Maybe." Jared sighed. "I thought you'd hate me for being a coward."
"You're not a coward. You did what you needed to. In my opinion, you did what I should have done."
"It's made you stronger. I couldn't have survived all you have. It would have broken me," Jared admitted.
"You don't know that. You might have found the strength you didn't know you have. You find a way to survive. It's what we all do." Orson smiled. "We're both messed up. We both have a past, but we both have a future. All we can do is take what we've learned from our past and work toward a new future. For me, that means a job and a place to live, then I can make new dreams. For you, it means being comfortable with who you are, taking small steps to open up to others, to be yourself."
Orson made it sound so easy, but he didn't understand the fear. It wasn't just as easy to walk out the door and be someone he'd hidden for years.
"Your parents can't control you anymore," Orson said.
"I know, but it still feels like they can. I hardly talk to them now, but just the thought of them finding out makes me feel like somehow they could take everything I have away from me. I know it doesn't make sense, but I still feel like I'm that seventeen-year-old kid."
"Whatever happened to Daryl?"
Jared pulled his hand free and sighed. "He met a guy about two years after I left. They're married now. They live on the ranch Daryl grew up on. Last time I went home, I saw them. It was hard. He's happy, and I'm glad he found someone, but it's hard because I wish it had been me. I wish I'd have been brave like he was."
"His parents didn't disown him?"
"His dad died shortly after I left for school, and his mom didn't like it, but she was older and couldn't run the ranch. She had to accept him or lose everything. I know my parents and half the town shun him now. My parents said it was a good thing that he and I went our separate ways because I didn't need friends like him." Jared stood, taking his food over to the trash and tossing his silverware into the sink. "Imagine what they would say if they knew I was gay too."
