Page 36 of The Road Home
"Just fish. I had a huge fish tank. My parents didn't want hair all over the house, so all I could have were fish or birds. I never wanted birds, so I had fish. I've always wondered what my parents did with them once I was gone. I always wanted a dog. My friends had them, and I was so jealous." Orson sat up. "Thanks for talking to me. It helps."
"I wish you would have told me you had nightmares. Sleeping pills can help with them sometimes."
Orson shook his head. "I had a doctor offer a while back, but I didn't want them. I can't risk sleeping that soundly when I'm on the streets. It's too dangerous not to be alert to what is going on around me."
"Well, maybe if you move in here, you can try them. I understand if you don't want to take them. I just thought they might help."
"Thanks, but I don't know if anything will help. I can't remember the last night I didn't have a nightmare. Like I said, not all are this bad, but I always wake up freaking out. It takes me a while to get back to sleep, if I go back at all." He sat up, untangling himself from the sheets that were wrapped around his legs. "I'm sorry I woke you."
"It's okay. I'm glad I could be here. I wish there was more I could do."
"Having you distract me helps. It pushed the memories from my head." Orson brushed his hair back from his forehead. "Sometimes the dreams are worse than the actual attack was."
"Is it always the same one?"
Orson nodded. "I'm not sure why. It wasn't the worst one, but it's the one I dream about." He hoped Jared didn't ask about the dream. He didn't want to discuss it. It was bad enough he had to deal with it, Jared didn't need details too.
"You know I'm right down the hall if you need to talk at night and I don't hear you. You can come wake me anytime." Jared brushed his hand down the sheet on the bed.
"I'm okay. There's no reason for both of us to lose sleep. I've learned to handle it most nights. Tonight was just one of the bad ones." Orson was still trembling slightly.
"Come here." Jared opened his arms.
Even though it felt foolish to have another grown man comfort him, he went, needing the touch and the compassion to help push the demons away. He leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Jared, accepting his warmth and security.
Jared's hand caressed down his back. "They can't hurt you here. You're safe."
Even though Jared meant in the house, Orson took it to mean in Jared's arms, because it was the safest he'd felt in years. There was something about Jared that helped to ground him, bring him peace, and at times, almost forget what a mess his life was. From the day they'd met at the clinic, Jared had been easy to talk to. As weird as it should have been being in his arms, it felt like the safest place in the world to him.
He forced himself to pull back after a few seconds, not wanting the hug to get awkward for Jared. "Thanks. That helped." It really had. He wasn't trembling any longer and his pulse was almost back to normal. "I'll be okay."
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" Jared asked, still looking concerned.
"No, go get some rest. It shouldn't take too long for me to get back to sleep. The good news is I seldom get two in a night." He gave Jared a weak smile.
"I wish you didn't get them at all." Jared gave Orson's shoulder a squeeze.
"Me too." Orson took a deep breath. "Thanks again."
"Anytime." Jared stood and went to the door. "Remember, I'm just down the hall if you need me. Don't hesitate, okay? I want to help you."
"I know. I promise if it's bad I'll let you know." He wouldn't, but at least he could let Jared think he would.
"Night."
"Night." Orson smiled as the room was again cast into darkness and the door clicked shut.
Alone again, he pulled the blankets over him better, straightening them before rolling on his side and pulling one of the pillows into his arms. It wasn't as comforting as having Jared's arms around him, but it would do. Being close to Jared like that stirred all kinds of emotions, ones he didn't think he was still capable of feeling anymore. They weren't really sexual, but intimate. A longing to touch him, be close to him, and even be held. The hug had been the most comforting thing he could remember feeling in a long time. It was almost as if, just for a few minutes, he could let his guard down, knowing he was safe with Jared and nothing would hurt him.
It wasn't good to feel that way toward him. For one, he was just here for a short time, if he did decide to stay. It wasn't as if Jared would be around forever. Using him as his safe place wasn't a good idea, because once he was gone, it would be harder to stand on his own after having the security Jared offered. It also wasn't fair that when Jared was trying to help him get on his feet, that he take advantage of him for even more. A simple hug or touch meant so much, but it also intensified his feelings each time. Jared was having a hard enough time with his own problems. He didn't need to add all his own insecurities onto his shoulders too.
Orson gripped the pillow tighter to his chest as he thought about Jared's offer to move in. It was an amazing opportunity, one he'd be crazy to pass up. To be able to have a comfortable place to sleep every night, along with a shower and laundry was a dream come true. Still, he didn't feel right taking advantage of Jared's kindness. He didn't have a way to pay him back other than keeping the yard up, which he was more than willing to do. It still didn't seem enough. He'd already done so much for him. Once he had a job, he was willing to pay rent, but who knew how long it would take to get a job. He had no references and no employment history. Hell, he didn't even have an address. He would if he moved in with Jared, and that was a plus, but it was all so overwhelming.
He rolled to his back, staring up at the ceiling. This was exactly what he needed to get on his feet, but there was so much to think about. Was there a bus close by so he could get to work? Was there a way to even pay to ride the bus? He'd seen a sign up at the shelter when he went to talk to Celeste that mentioned free bus passes, maybe he qualified to get one. He needed to check on everything.
After so many years having nothing go right, it was hard to even think that things might be looking up. He owed it all to Jared. Without him, he would still be sleeping on the ground, probably still with his arm healing on its own and his chin infected.
He closed his eyes, thinking how great it would be not to have to worry that he might get raped every night. To be able to go to bed and not have to sleep with one eye open, always ready for the next attack. The worst that would happen to him at Jared's was the constant nightmares that he was sure he would forever have to deal with.
It was odd how he trusted Jared. He really had no reason to trust him any more than anyone else, but he did. He had from the day they met. He'd been nervous, and over time being around him was easier, but he never feared him. Never felt as if Jared was going to hurt him in any way.
Jared was amazing. He'd been shocked to hear his story. When they first met, he didn't have a clue he was gay. To hear how close their past experiences were was a bit shocking. It really showed the difference one simple choice could have in a person's life. Had he done what Jared did and hide who he was, let his parents talk him into forcing that side of himself back and pretending to be who he wasn't, he might be a professional cello player.
He dreamed of playing on stage with an orchestra. He'd given up that dream years ago, but when things got to their worst it was that dream that kept him going. Images of sitting on stage playing for an audience. That was where he would go when he was being attacked. He'd let the music play in his mind, imagine himself playing, and let the music take him away.
Just the thought of music had his nerves calming and his body relaxing. Everything was okay when the music was playing. Closing his eyes, he let the music in his mind carry him to sleep. He'd deal with everything else tomorrow.
