Page 40 of The Road Home
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Orson flipped through the job descriptions on the internet, looking to see what he was qualified for. There were a few, but since he'd only been in Utah for a short time, he didn't have any clue where any of them were located. He made notes in the notebook beside the computer, so he could ask Jared when he got home later.
It was strange being at the house by himself, but Jared had suddenly decided he was going to go to the gym, and honestly, Orson was glad for the break. They'd been walking on eggshells around each other since they'd kissed the night before.
Remembering the kiss, Orson sat back, forgetting his job search. It had been the first time he'd kissed someone since that ill-fated day in his parents' backyard. He hadn't meant to kiss him. It hadn't been even a thought in his head until he started to feel Jared's cock hardening against his back. While it probably should have freaked him out after being raped so many times, it had a completely opposite effect on him. His own body had responded, and when he'd looked up, seeing Jared so close, he didn't even think about reaching out and pulling him down for a kiss.
It had been the most amazing kiss he'd ever experienced. That wasn't saying much since Jared was the second guy he'd ever kissed, but it had been so much more than he ever imagined a kiss could be.
He'd spent half the night awake thinking about the whole thing, trying to work out exactly what he was feeling about everything. It was confusing to have the desires he was having, yet his only memories of anything physical were painful. The kiss with Jared didn't scare him. He was sure that Jared would never do anything to hurt him, but he wasn't sure if things went farther than that how he might react.
Maybe Jared was right, and they were both too fucked up for anything to happen between them. He didn't want just sex with Jared. He wanted to hold him, kiss him, and feel what it was like to be close to another man for a change.
He still had to decide for sure if he was going to stay with him. It was a hard decision now. He almost wished he hadn't kissed him, because before that happened, he had already made his choice to stay. He just hadn't said it out loud. Now, he was questioning everything.
No matter how awkward things were now, he would be crazy to leave, but he didn't want to make things uncomfortable for Jared either. Just the fact that he'd skipped out and gone to the gym showed that, like it or not, things had changed between them now.
Orson stared at the computer screen, frustrated, and wishing his life wasn't such a fucking mess. The one person he was comfortable talking to was the one person he couldn't talk to right now. He could hardly talk to Jared about his feelings for Jared.
He thought of Harry. He was the only other person he could turn to, and he was unconscious in a hospital bed. Thinking about him humbled Orson's mood. He hardly had a right to complain about his own life when Harry was still fighting for his.
Jared promised to drop him off at the hospital later to visit while he ran some errands, but he couldn't keep spending every afternoon there watching Harry sleep, especially once he found a job. He was going to have to cut back his time there. It wasn't like he was doing much more than sitting there anyway, but he liked to believe that Harry knew he was there and took some comfort in knowing that someone gave a shit about him.
Orson sighed as he turned off the computer. It was pointless to even look for a job when he didn't know where it was located. If it was clear across town, there would be no way for him to get there. He'd talk to Jared when he got home, and he would check in with the shelter tomorrow and make sure he was still on the waiting lists. If he got lucky, a job would open up for him.
It was still early in the day, but Orson had a lot to do. Just because things had changed so much between him and Jared didn't mean that he wasn't going to keep to their original deal of helping with the yard. The work would keep him busy and he would have something to do other than watch TV and think about the kiss he shared with Jared.
He laughed as he stepped out into the backyard. Who was he kidding? He'd never forget that kiss. Even if it never happened again, it would be something that he would always think about. He wondered if Jared was thinking about it. Was it nothing more than a slip-up to him or had he been affected by it also? The fact that he had responded by saying, 'it wasn't just a kiss', had him hoping Jared felt the intensity he had. He hated to think he'd been the only one who had felt the shot of lightning down his spine when they first touched.
He pulled the lawnmower out of the shed and wheeled it around front. As he started it and pushed down the first path of lawn, he imagined what it would be like to live in a place this nice permanently, well, not permanently, but at least until he managed to get his own apartment. He wasn't going to deny he liked staying with Jared, and having a real bed to sleep in was already a comfort he didn't want to give up. He thanked God every night for being able to lay his head on a soft pillow and pull warm blankets up around him. It was something he would never take for granted again.
The sun beat down on him as he mowed, causing sweat to drip down his spine. Even that was a great feeling. Being able to do something productive, to feel satisfaction at having a job to do was something he needed. Again, he thought of his job search, thought about Jared, thought about moving in with him. No matter how uncomfortable it might be after the kiss, it was an opportunity he just couldn't pass up. It was the easiest and most sensible path to getting on his feet. He could deal with his attraction to Jared and push it aside. There were more important things to focus on anyway. He couldn't get stuck out on the streets come winter. He'd never make it.
He'd tell Jared he was going to stay, but make sure to work it out so that until he could pay rent, he was earning his keep in doing things around the yard and house. He wouldn't be a freeloader. Jared was giving him a chance to get his life together, and that would be what he focused on and what he did. It was what was most important.
*****
Jared stared at his reflection in the mirror, hardly recognizing the man staring back at him. He'd hidden who he was for so long that he wasn't sure how to become the person he wanted to be anymore.
How was it that he could be so strong and secure in his professional life, but insecure and weak in his personal? He had no problem standing up to his colleagues when they had a professional dispute, but to stand up for himself when it came to his sexuality was a whole 'nother ball game.
He set the weights down and rolled his shoulders, trying to sort through the mass of emotions that were bombarding him. The kiss with Orson had thrown him for a loop. Not only had he not expected the kiss, there was no way he could have imagined any kiss could cause his toes to curl and his body to react the way it did.
As rude as it might have been to leave Orson alone at the house for a few hours, he needed to get away and try to clear his head. Every time he even glanced at Orson, his body reacted just as it had when they kissed. He needed to get things under control before he did something they would both regret.
The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Orson. He deserved to be loved and cared for. Jared wasn't the man for that. Not while he was still struggling to figure out his own life. Sex was for pleasure, and while he didn't doubt for a second sex with Orson would be more pleasure than he'd ever experienced in his life, it would also be wild and rough, and that was exactly what Orson didn't need after years of being used on the streets.
Orson needed someone who would take their time and treat him right. He deserved to be able to go out in public with someone. With him, Orson would be stuck hiding in the shadows just the way Jared did.
"Hey, how's it going?" Richard, the owner of the gym, walked over. "Haven't seen you in a while."
"I'm okay," Jared lied. "I've been working a lot. Figured I had a few hours today to escape and I'd come in. What's new? Got everything ready for the wedding?"
Richard rubbed his hand over his beard. "Yeah, it's actually coming together. Tyler's been amazing making sure we have everything reserved and ordered. It's hard to believe that in just a month I'll be married."
"Hell, you two have been acting married since you met." Jared had known Richard for a couple of years and had watched his romance slowly fall into place. "Nothing's going to change but your tax status."
Richard laughed as he straddled the bench. "Very true. So, what is new with you? Anything exciting?"
