Page 60 of The Road Home
"Even if it's just here? I can't be more when we are in public." Jared worried he was only giving Orson half of what he needed.
"It's okay. I hope in time that might change, but for now, it's enough."
"You're sure?" Jared slid his leg between Orson's.
"Yeah, I'm sure. If it's what you want. I don't want you uncomfortable."
Jared closed his eyes for a minute, thinking about what he was about to agree to, worrying about what would happen when it ended, when Orson finally decided that hiding at home wasn't enough for him. Already his emotions were going haywire with what he was feeling for Orson. Could he handle watching him walk away when he needed more?
"It's okay, we don't have to. I know this isn't what you want."
Jared opened his eyes, staring at Orson. "But it is, and that is what scares me. Sooner or later, it won't be enough for you. You'll want more, and I'm not sure I can give it to you. I'm not sure I can ever be what you need."
"You're what I need right now. It's enough. My life is a mess. The last thing on my mind was dating or finding someone to spend time with. I need to focus on working and getting my shit together. No one needs to know what we do here. I'm okay with it just being us."
"And when we go out?" Jared worried that Orson would want things out in the open, the way Richard and Tyler were.
"It's just like any other time we've gone out in public. We are friends, roommates. I'm not going to force you to come out if you aren't ready."
"I just feel bad because look at what you gave up so you could be out." Jared shook his head. "You walked away from everything you knew so you didn't have to hide, now I'm asking you to hide again."
"No, you're not. You are asking me to hide us, not me. I'm gay and out. I won't hide who I am from anyone, but that doesn't mean I have to be public about who I'm with or what I'm doing. You're not asking me to change. You're just asking me not to out you. That's a big difference."
Jared ran his fingers down Orson's arm. "I don't deserve this."
"What do you think you deserve?"
Jared sighed, falling to his back, staring up at the ceiling. "A lonely life without someone because I'm not brave enough to come out like you did."
"No one deserves that. You're hardly the first guy not to come out. It doesn't mean you have to suffer for it." Orson leaned over and kissed him before pulling back just a half an inch from his mouth. "So what are we? Friends with benefits? Lovers? Boyfriends?"
He loved that Orson wasn't backing down. It would have been so easy to say everything they did was a mistake, but it didn't feel like a mistake. It felt so right and perfect that it scared Jared. He'd never had such a feeling of rightness in his life. "I like boyfriends. Something neither of us has had since we left home."
"I'm glad we can figure it out together." Orson closed the distance between them, kissing Jared again. When he pulled back he sighed. "I don't know about you, but I need another shower."
Jared laughed as he nodded. "Yeah, it's a bit sticky." He pulled Orson to his chest again. "We'll shower, grab breakfast, then I'll drive you down to the gym."
Orson shook his head. "I need to learn the bus routes. I'll go on my own, but I would like to go to the hospital with you when you go. I'll spend the evening with Harry while you work, if that is okay?"
"It's perfect. I like knowing you're close." After another lingering kiss, Jared finally sat up, forcing Orson to sit up with him since he'd been practically on top of him again. "Go shower. I'll meet you in the kitchen. After we eat, I'll do some laundry and stuff around here while you go talk to Richard."
Orson nodded, but hesitated. "So, you're okay with us?"
"Yeah, I was more worried about you. If you're okay with us not being public, then I'm good with this too. In fact, I couldn't be happier." Jared leaned in for one more kiss before playfully swatting Orson on the thigh. "Go shower or I'm going to join you in there and we'll get nothing accomplished today."
"Yes, Sir." Orson laughed as he climbed out of bed.
As Jared watched him go, he hoped he wasn't making a mistake. As right as this all seemed, it could backfire quickly, and he wasn't sure either one of them were ready for the fallout of that happening. They needed each other too much, but at the same time, being together could easily destroy them both.
