Page 23 of Pain
"Hey, everyone handles things differently. I think most men would squirm hearing what we do, but you needed to know. Carter would have sugar-coated it all and had you believing we were something we're not. Any member of this team needs all the facts. Now you know the worst of it, so the rest shouldn't be too much of a shock to hear about."
"Is there a lot more?"
"Not a lot that would shock you, but there are so many levels to what we do that even I don't know them all. I'm computer illiterate. I have no idea what Bryon, Carter, and Trenton do all day, and while they know what I do, none of them want to do my job. We all have our talents, and we all make it work by doing what we do. You, being a computer geek, will end up in the back of the house on the computer all the time. You'll help get the information that I and the others need to do our part of the job. The team wouldn't work without all of us." Xander grinned. "We're like a big fucked up family. We all have our own talents, but put us together and it somehow works."
"Hmm, that's not how my family was." Matt thought about his sister and mother, wondering what they would think when he told them he'd quit his job and couldn't tell them anything about his new one.
"Yeah, mine wasn't either." Xander straightened. "Bryon and the team showed me what true family is. It doesn't always mean related."
"It's good to know you guys are all so close." Matt ran his hand down his pant leg. "I've got a good family, but right now, they are a bit much. They want to coddle me. They don't get that I don't need them smothering me. I'm trying to deal with things, but sometimes it's easier alone, ya know? My sister tries to mother me, while my mother tries to reassure me. I swear if one more person promises me it's going to be okay, I'll punch them. No one knows if it's going to be okay, no one can promise me it will be. I'm not stupid. I know what the chances are that I'll never hold Faith again. None of them understand. They don't know what it's like to have this happen. I hate that they act like they know, because they just don't."
Xander didn't say anything, just stared at Matt.
Oddly, the fact that Xander didn't try to make excuses for them, didn't try to explain why his friends and family were acting that way, was refreshing. Matt took a deep breath. "Sorry, sometimes it just gets to be too much."
"It's okay. Your days have to be filled with ups and downs. I won't even claim to imagine how you must feel. I've never been a parent, and never had a good relationship with my parents, so I can't know what you feel."
"Angry." Matt sighed, not sure why he was telling Xander, who was practically a stranger, all about his feelings. "I'm mad at whoever took Faith. I'm mad at everybody who was there and saw nothing. I'm mad at the media for not making her disappearance a bigger issue. I'm mad at God for letting this happen, but most of all, I'm angry at myself for letting her down, for not protecting her like I promised I always would." Tears filled his eyes, but he blinked them away before they could fall.
He sighed as he stood and started to pace. "I know I couldn't have been there, but maybe I could have had the sitter meet her at school, had another parent walk her home. I could have taught Faith to fight, to know better how to get away, protect herself."
"The what-ifs are endless, it doesn't change the here and now." Xander watched him.
"I know. I've told myself that a million times, but I guess I can't control anything happening now, so I look back and wonder if I could have controlled anything that happened then. My mind never stops."
Xander nodded.
"Fuck, I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I don't even know you."
"Maybe that's exactly why. Maybe you need someone who will just listen and isn't emotionally as involved as you and the others are."
Matt shrugged.
"None of us are going to tell you how to feel. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong way to feel with what you are going through. If you need to talk, I'm here. If you just want someone to hang out with, who you don't have to talk to, I'm here. You want me to fuck off, I can do that too. The one thing about our team is we know where your mind goes, we know the fears you face, we know how bad this really could be. You don't have to hide from any of us. We won't push, in fact, unless we have information about Faith, we probably won't bring her up unless you do first, but know, if you do need to talk, we are there. I'm here."
"How do you do it?"
"Do what?" Xander asked.
"Deal with knowing how bad it is out there? See what happens to those kids? How do you stay sane?"
Xander took a deep breath. "I guess knowing we have a little part in trying to stop it. To know that by doing what we do, we aren’t just saving one child, but many. Sadly, new perps pop up all the time, but one by one, we put a stop to them."
Matt sat back down. "I know what you said you do, but that only stops them from physically doing anything, right? They could still arrange, kidnap, hold?"
"They could, but one of the side effects of what we do is that over time, they lose their drive, their bodies change, both physically and mentally. There have been studies on it. We take more than just something physical from them. We cut deeper. Most won't go back into it. Honestly, after the information we give the police, most won't ever see the light of day again, but those that do, life will be forever different for them."
"You mentioned police before. How do you do all that?" Matt asked.
Xander nodded toward a group of teens headed their way. "We'll explain everything once we are at the house. It will all make sense, and we can answer all your questions."
Matt nodded. "Sorry, I need to remember this can't be friendly conversation."
"You'll get used to it. You'll get so you don't want to talk about it. It's a job, and like any job, when you leave work, you try and put it from your mind. Unfortunately, some cases stay with us more than others, and for you right now, I'm guessing it's never far from your mind."
Matt shook his head as he stared at the ground. "I'm obsessing over it. I don't eat, I don't sleep. All I do is search the web. I'll finally end up passing out from exhaustion and sleep ten hours, then go right back to it."
"That's not healthy."
