Page 48 of Pain
The door to the room was partially open, and after hearing another sniff, Xander gently pushed it the rest of the way open. His heart ached seeing the little girl's room with a pink bedspread, the top of the bed filled with stuffed animals. There were toys along one set of shelves, and books along another. A small desk sat beside a dresser, but what had his full attention was the man sitting in the center of the room, his arms wrapped around a zebra stuffed animal as he cried.
"Matt?" Xander slowly sank down beside him. "Come here." Without thought of what he was doing, Xander pulled Matt into his arms and onto his lap. He cocooned him in his embrace, holding him tightly against his chest. It was one of the few times he'd really seen Matt cry. He figured he had to have bad moments, hell, any father would, but until now, Xander had seen very few.
"I miss her so much," Matt whispered.
"I know you do." Xander kissed his temple. "Tell me more about her. Is the zebra hers?"
"It's her favorite. Her mom got it for her when we went to the zoo. She sleeps with the damn thing every night since, but it holds up. You'd hardly know it was that old." He held up the zebra as if showing Xander the lack of wear. "She hates sleeping without it. When we went to Disneyland a year ago, she forgot it. I had such a hard time getting her to sleep. I bought her ten other stuffed animals, but none of them would do. She only wanted the stupid zebra."
Xander smiled. "Did you have anything when you were little?"
"Not that I slept with, but I had a stupid wrestling figure that I carried with me everywhere I went."
"I had a duck. I don't know where I got it. Probably something my grandma got me. She was always buying me weird things, but I slept with that duck for years. I wouldn't go to bed without it. I have no idea what happened to it."
Matt took a hard breath as he wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. "I keep thinking about her having to go to sleep without it every night now. If I can't save her, I wish I could at least get this to her, so she'd have something to hold on to."
Xander kissed Matt's forehead. "Hopefully, someday soon, you can hand it to her and she won't have to ever sleep without it again."
Matt sighed, slipping out of Xander's arms, and moving back to the floor. He turned, leaning his back against Faith's bed. "I feel like I'm losing hope. I feel like if I give up, I lose all chance of getting her home, but then the longer I go without her, the more I feel like I need to just give up." Matt raised his gaze to meet Xander's. "I don't want to give up on her."
Xander wasn't sure what to say. Everything sounded so cliché. He slid around, his back against the wall so he was facing Matt straight on. "I have news, but I don't want it to give you false hope, but I think you deserve to know everything. Bryon disagrees, but I can't keep secrets from you."
Matt's head snapped up. "About Faith?"
"No, but about the information the psychic gave you."
"It's true?"
"They are still looking into it, but there is a location they've found that matches what the file said. They need more time to dig into who lives there and do all that computer digging that you guys do, but I thought you deserved to know that the place does exist. This doesn't mean the woman didn't just pick some random location and lie."
Matt nodded. "But Faith might be there?" He shook his head. "Could she really be there?"
"I don't know. Bryon didn't want to talk to you until they knew for sure, but I knew you'd want to know."
"He's afraid I'll go there myself."
Xander gave a single nod.
"Do you know where it is?"
"I didn't ask. I'm letting them do their job. We handle this case the same way we do any other. For now, every other case is on hold while they deal with yours. They are putting every resource into it. If Faith is there, we will know it, and we will get her."
Matt ran his fingers through his hair. "They're right, you know? If I knew where it was, I'd go. I'd break down the door, search the house, kill anyone who tried to stop me."
"I know, that's why no one is telling you where this is. You need to be here when Faith comes home, not arrested and sitting in a prison cell."
Matt stood, holding the zebra in his hands. "It might not be there."
"No, it might be nothing."
"But it might be something." Matt set the zebra on the bed, then ran his fingers over the pillow. "I thought I was handling things okay. The team helped to keep me busy, I was starting to feel like I could actually breathe and get through the day when I woke up. Then tonight, I was just sitting there reading and I thought I heard her laugh. It cut right through me. I came into her room to remember, and just lost it. It's like everything I've been holding in for the last few weeks bubbled up and I just couldn't be strong anymore."
Xander stood, closing the distance between them. "You don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay to be scared, it's okay to worry, and it's okay to miss her." He pulled Matt into his arms. "It's good to come in here and remember the good times."
Matt started to cry again, his head pressed against Xander's chest. "I miss her so much."
Xander closed his eyes, wishing he had a magic button to push to go back in time and stop all of this from happening. He hated that there was nothing he could do or say to help. He held Matt for several minutes, letting him cry.
