Page 85 of Pain
"He won't kick you off the team. You, Dyson, and Kasey do all the dirty work none of us want to do. It's not like you're easily replaced. The demand for what we do increases, he can't cut a man from the team and keep up the pace we do." Matt tugged him close. "I'm sorry I've caused problems."
Xander shook his head. "You didn't cause this. Neither one of us expected this to turn in to what it has." He cupped his hand against Matt's cheek. "There are some things we need to talk about though."
Matt tensed. "You want us to leave, don't you? It's too much having us here?"
Xander shook his head. "No, I don't want you to leave. In fact, I've never enjoyed being home more since you've come to live with me." He kissed Matt softly. "Leave the dishes for later. Let's go sit down." He linked their hands and gently tugged him to the couch.
"What's up? You have me nervous."
"It's about something Faith said to me. I didn't know how to respond." Xander released Matt's hand and tugged on his beard, trying to think of how to start the conversation.
"Stop that." Matt swatted Xander's hand from his beard. "You do that when you're nervous."
"I do?" Xander laughed. "I never thought about it before." He released his beard and tried to relax with his hands on his lap.
"What did Faith say?" Matt turned to him.
"She asked me if I was going to be her other daddy." Xander reached for his beard, but stopped himself before he gripped it.
Matt's mouth opened, and he made a gargled sound, then shut it again. His eyes were wide as he shook his head. "Wow, I didn't expect that."
"Yeah, me neither. I told her I cared about you and I would always be part of her life, but that me being her daddy was something that you and I would figure out in the future." Xander gripped his beard again. "Fuck, that sounded wrong. I don't want you to think that I plan on us—"
"No, I understand. You were talking to Faith. You had to say something. I just never expected this from her."
"We can't blame her. Since she came home, she's seen us together and learned to lean on us to get her through the bad days. We can't blame her for wanting it to last. It's just that you and I have never really talked about what we are to each other. It started out as just casual sex, but it's morphed into…." He shrugged. "I don't know what we are now."
Matt stared at him. "What do you want to be?"
Xander ran his hand over his beard, moving it from the bottom back to right under his chin, then sliding his fist down it again. "I don't know. I mean, I'm not the domestic kind of guy. I don't know how to be a family man."
Matt laughed. "What do you think you've been doing for the last few weeks?"
Xander swallowed hard. "I could go to prison at any moment. How can I be a good father when I could get arrested any night I go to work?"
"And I couldn't be? I'm hacking into systems." Matt sighed. "That is the hardest part for me. If I ever got caught, I'd lose Faith."
"We wouldn't let that happen." Xander didn't know how he'd stop it, but he'd take the blame for everything to keep Matt safe. "Besides, you'd probably be offered a job for the government hacking for them instead of serving any time. They love people with minds like yours."
"Still, it scares me, but I don't want to stop. We do too much good."
Xander nodded. "We do."
Matt rubbed his hands down his pant legs. "You sound like you don't want anything long-term between us. If that's true, then it's okay, but you're right, for Faith's sake, we should figure out what we are doing. It's not fair for her to hope that—"
"I don't know what I want. She freaked me out when she asked, and my first thought was to panic and a million reasons why we wouldn't work went through my mind. I mean, she said she didn't want to move, she liked living here, and I actually thought about giving you the house and getting a new place for me to avoid thinking of us having a future. But then I had a couple of days to think about it, and I realized, we already are pretty much doing the married thing. We might not have said the words, signed the paper, but in every way that matters, we act married. So that forced me to think about my feelings, which is something I've never been good at. I've always stayed away from relationships. Until you, I'd meet someone, spend a night or even a few hours at their place, and move on. Until you, I never had another man in my bed." Xander stood, needing to think. He started to pace the living room. "But now, the thought of you and Faith not being here, the thought of being here alone, I don't like it."
Matt nodded.
Xander leaned against the wall, staring at Matt. "What I feel doesn't matter. What do you feel? What do you want?"
Matt sat silent for a moment, and Xander was sure he wasn't going to like whatever Matt was going to say. He braced himself for the worst.
"When I lost Jill, I never thought I'd want to be serious with anyone again. My focus was on being everything Faith needed. I was so worried about being there for her, that I forgot that I had needs too. It was after Faith was taken, when you suddenly appeared in my life, that I realized I needed someone there. I needed someone to lean on, to help get me through the bad days, to make me laugh. Then she came home, and I thought I'd be okay, but I needed you more then. I didn't know how to react to her, but you, you have a way with Faith that I'll never understand. When I couldn't be enough for her, you were."
Xander stepped forward, kneeling in front of Matt. He really needed to tell Matt about his past, but now wasn't the time. "You are always enough for her. Don't you ever think differently."
"I might have been, but you made it easier, you connect with her in a way I can't. You and her share something that I don't have with her. You make her smile when I can't. It wasn't until you started talking to her that she'd sleep alone. She started opening up more. She would sit alone with you and not anyone else." Matt smiled weakly. "It's a good thing. It might be hard at times for me to understand, but you are what Faith needs, just as much as you're what I need."
